"The most painful thing is getting lost in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too." ~ Ernest Hemingway
At Eagle Point Elementary, where I was in third grade, there was a very cute boy. Jason was the object of affection for apparently every third grade girl. Every day he made a list of the five girls he thought were the cutest. The list changed every day. Whoever took first place that day was the girl Jason decided to go with. (Was "with" a thing in everyone's elementary school or just in a suburb of Minnesota? What did that mean anyway?)
I still remember the exhilaration when I pushed my friend Caroline for first place. It was short-lived. Caroline was hard to beat. My father got wind of this top 5 system and sat me down to say, "Never wait until you're at the top. If you have to convince someone how great you are, they shouldn't be at your top. "The next day I decided against the competition.
Adults are more subtle than Jason, but my father's "Top Spot" lesson was a valuable one.
In my twenties I met a guy who ran cold and hot with me and made me insecure and obsessed with the relationship. I followed my father's warning and ended things abruptly.
It was very painful at first and I wondered if I had pulled the plug too quickly. But within a few months, I realized that there was no happy future with this person – they either weren't interested enough in me or were unable to build a secure, intimate relationship. In any case, I had avoided a bullet.
Here is a scenario that I often see in my psychotherapy practice: You meet someone and fall in love. After about a year of dating, you definitely want to get married and have children. Your partner is happy in the relationship, but not ready to move forward.
First of all, you are patient and personable. But at the end of the second year, you're frustrated putting your life on hold while your partner "finds out".
When you seem to have reached the end of your rope and seem ready to go, your partner often asks for more time.
You waver between anger and panic until your fourth year, but you feel like this has to work because you can't stand the thought of starting over with someone.
In the fifth year, your partner announces that he may never want to marry or have children. In fact, they want to see other people.
If you have ever fallen in love with a person who avoids engagement, you know that it can be difficult to tell when you need to be patient and when to pull the plug. Are you leaving someone you love just because you have different schedules? How much time do you give your partner to decide whether to come in or not? In other words, should you stay or go?
Does this seem familiar to you?
"He won't commit because he's still past his first marriage, but if I can hold out, he'll see how good I am for him."
"She had a traumatic childhood and does not trust men. It is difficult for her to be faithful. But she is working on it."
"We have been together for five years, but he is still not sure. He says he will know if he knows."
If so, let's look at how you got here, why you stay, and what you can do next.
Your parents give you your first example of how to give and receive love. Unfortunately, sometimes they are not the best role models, especially when it comes to relationships.
Did one parent give priority to work and never take time for you? Or did you feel valued as long as you followed the rules and were carefree, but avoided if you were having trouble or needing extra attention?
This treatment teaches you that the people you love are not reliable, that you are "too much" for people to love consistently, or that you are not valued as much as their work, their hobbies or the other people in their lives.
But what if you had great, constant, loving parents? You may even really admire their relationship and dream of having a similar one yourself. So what?
Look at your early romantic relationships. These can be a good or bad prototype for your future connections.
For example, say that your high school friend told you that he loves you, but blew you away to meet his friends at every opportunity. Or your first girlfriend cheated on you repeatedly. Our minds can accept that love should be felt this way.
Another, but equally difficult scenario is that you didn't have an early romantic life that you could talk about. You feel like you have never been chosen as special. In this case, you may feel that you are lucky enough to get attention and that you shouldn't be too demanding.
If this sounds like you, you may have an “anxious attachment style”. Someone who is well connected may strongly prefer being in a relationship and feels best when connected, but would rather be alone than in a relationship where their needs are not met.
When you are anxiously connected, any relationship, no matter how unsatisfactory, is better than being alone.
In his book Attached, published in 2012, the psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine wrote: “Basically, safe people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often concerned with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them again. Avoiding people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. "
I wish I could tell you that if you do everything right and deal with yourself properly, the scales will fall from your lover's eyes and you will be at the top. But you are probably already doing it and it doesn't work. There is no magic formula to get someone off the fence, but here are some ideas to keep in mind:
1. Don't bet your future on someone else's potential.
People grow and change during a relationship. After the first year or so, the desire to share your life, the depth of your feelings, and the enthusiasm to get involved with you are unlikely to increase exponentially.
Are you getting enough for yourself now?
In her bestseller Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert, a writer who has documented her own relationships in detail, writes: “I have fallen in love more often than it is important to me to count on the greatest potential of a man with the man myself, and I've held on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long), waiting for the man to rise to his own height. In my romance, I was often a victim of my own optimism. "
Be realistic. Is the person in front of you that you really want? Or are you waiting for your imagination to adapt to who you might be?
2. Sometimes you have to make it clear what you can accept or not.
Ultimats have a reputation for lending armor to bullying, tampering, or other means of armor to bend to their will.
Ambivalent partners often feel victims of an ultimatum. You don't want to be pressured to change the status quo and take the risk of intensifying or losing the relationship. But that is exactly what has to happen often.
Everyone should have a conclusion about what they want from a partner in a relationship. If you communicate your wishes and your partner ignores them or cannot fulfill them, you should go. Honoring what is not negotiable for you is the cornerstone of healthy self-esteem.
A couple I know tell a story about the first night they were married. When they went to bed that night, the man, as he had often done, confided that he had doubts; Maybe they had married too quickly.
This time his new wife looked him dead in the eye and said, "Why don't you come out now and come back when you find out?"
It was not the first time that he expressed ambivalence about the relationship, but it was the last time. "I resisted that night," the man laughs.
3. Is there any hope at all?
Sometimes the person who is having problems with the commitments recognizes that they have a problem and want to work towards a change. You may feel that the problem is your fear, your trauma, or your relationship history.
If you are really working to find out, it could be a reason to hold onto a relationship a little longer. However, there should be a time limit on how long you are willing to look at someone while your own needs are not being met. Discussing this with a trusted third party like a therapist can be very helpful in this scenario.
Engagement is not the finish line – it is the starting gate
Do you want to put your future on someone you have to convince to be with you? It is important to note that a healthy connected person can become anxiously connected if they live with an evasive partner for too long. The worst-case scenario is not a breakup. You spend years of your life with someone who is unable to be in a relationship.
Say your partner doesn't want to lose you, but isn't interested in changing the underlying dynamics of the relationship. Then you will be bound to someone who is unable to show real intimacy, who makes fun of all expectations and who is unable to prioritize you and your happiness. You will (somehow) have the obligation, but no closeness or trust. This is the worst result.
How will your story end? The answer depends on your tolerance for speaking
for yourself and your willingness to take the risk of being on your own. Don't let your partner take your time, self-esteem and happiness. Our lives are determined by the quality of our relationships. Look for the partner who clearly puts you at the top of his list.
About Tonya Lester
Tonya Lester, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Brooklyn, NY. She specializes in relationships, fear and parenting. She believes that a good life is filled with meaning, curiosity and, above all, meaningful connections. You can find out more about them on their website www.tonyalester.com. You can also follow her on Instagram at tonyalesterpsychotherapy.
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