“How brave the moon shines in your skin; numerically under the stars. "~ Angie Welland-Crosby
I have this recurring dream that I'm going to teach a yoga class. I stand ready to teach and nobody pays attention to me. They are all distracted or have intense conversations with each other and have no interest in joining the class.
When I start, the students get up one after the other and leave. I am ashamed and discouraged, even though I still teach.
I wake up from the dream with a sinking feeling in my stomach and heaviness in my heart. Instead of pampering myself and turning into sadness, I turn directly to the pain.
"Where did that come from?" This is the question I ask myself when diving into self healing. Just as the body has the ability to heal itself at the cellular level when injured, so do we have the ability to heal our emotional wounds.
I was never fired from a job or relationship. I was always the one who left. I'm not proud of that, but see a pattern that has developed over the course of my life since I was a child.
When I receive criticism, my insecurities are triggered. It has to be that I am not good enough as an employee, teacher, friend, partner. Obviously something is wrong with me. My instinct in these situations is to run, to walk before someone discovers my mistakes, before I feel more hurt.
I am afraid of being abandoned or rejected, so I withdraw at the first sign of conflict, like a turtle entering its shell the moment it senses danger.
When I look back on my past, I am left with overwhelming sorrow. When I pull the layers back further, I see the origins more clearly. Beliefs deeply rooted in childhood and cemented in youth. Wrong beliefs about being replaceable, unworthy and not enough.
Under the protective armor is an extremely sensitive and injured little girl.
A girl whose older sister locked her out of her room and refused to play.
A girl who was teased by children in the neighborhood for being crazy.
A girl whose best friend started an "I Hate Shannon Club" in fourth grade.
A girl who always saw her friends as smarter, prettier, cooler and more personable.
A girl who absolutely wanted to be accepted.
These deeply rooted wounds must be properly recognized in order to be healed.
When we feel vulnerable or hurt, we tend to close our hearts, clap, turn to anger, or run away instead of addressing the discomfort. None of these behaviors will heal our emotional wounds. They are only temporary means of relieving pain. To break these old, conditioned patterns, we must first identify where the feelings are coming from.
When we feel rejected
Let's be honest, people can be mean. We can be mean ourselves.
It can be hurtful and scaring to be left out, rejected, or to receive the harsh comments or behaviors of others. But often it's not as personal as we think. Often others hurt us because they are hurt themselves. Maybe it's not even intentional and the other doesn't know they're causing pain.
When we look beneath the surface of rejection, we ultimately discover feelings of fear and abandonment. But we can choose how we think about rejection and, consequently, what we feel.
While we cannot control what other people think, say or do, we can control how we receive and perceive. We can choose to let someone else's comments define who we are or how we feel about ourselves.
There are situations in which it is right to go away. But not out of fear, defiance or defense, but from a place of surrender and acceptance.
We can redirect our energy to people and situations that are positive and enriching. Mutually loving relationships and situations in which we encounter one another with kindness, support and encouragement. Where we don't tear ourselves (or ourselves) down, but rather lift each other into the highest version of ourselves.
There are innumerable situations that can trigger feelings of unworthiness, but I would like to focus on two specific ones that were particularly challenging for me.
When a relationship ends
Regardless of whether we leave or not, there is often a deep sense of loss when a relationship ends. These feelings of loss can recur anytime after we believe we have moved, especially when we see someone else take our place. A place where we once felt special, valued and adored.
I saw this when I saw my ex's new girlfriend move into a house that was once mine. The feeling of being interchangeable. Even if a relationship is ultimately not good for us and is no longer what we want for our future, it can cause sadness and insecurity when someone moves on.
Instead of indulging in these feelings, we can choose to be happy for the other. Happy that they found love and comfort in someone else. Happy with their own ability to heal and move their lives forward.
Not always easy when we have not found love or comfort in another, we are not healed and we do not get on with our own lives. What makes it even more difficult is that we often reject ourselves when we feel rejected by someone we loved. The antidote? Focus on finding love and comfort within ourselves to affirm that we are still worthy of love, and we do not deserve to be rejected or to feel rejected by anyone, including ourselves.
If we compare ourselves with others
Jealousy is a destructive emotion and can be triggered by a spontaneous comment, a sideways glance or a social media post.
We are happy and satisfied one moment, the next moment our ex updates his Facebook status to "in a relationship" or we see a post from someone who seems to be doing better in life and we get in sent a downward spiral This includes following profiles, comparing with others, anger, questioning our decisions, feeling regret … the list goes on.
In order to overcome the green-eyed monster, we must stop comparing ourselves to others and see our own unique gifts.
Often it is the desire to be someone special that drives unhealthy behavior and thought patterns. Remember, you are already special. You are already good enough the way you are. Without having to change or do anything differently. You can stop trying to be good enough and allow yourself to just be.
When I recently experienced conflicts in an interpersonal relationship, I spoke to my mother and said defeatedly to her: "I just try so hard to be a good person."
She said to me: “Then stop trying. You are already a good person. You don't have to try, it's who you are. "
The truth is that nobody has come before you or will come after you with your exact characteristics. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone or yourself. The fact that you even exist is a miracle. What a gift. Allow who you are to shine and allow others to shine without any insecurities, jealousy, or fear. Our true gifts are revealed when we realize that we are all as perfect as we are.
It is time to write a new story
Those old stories from childhood, the hateful words on the playground or the rejection of others no longer fit. You never did. We sadly allowed them to mean something about us and kept repeating the same story over and over. As adults we have the ability and awareness to see and break these old patterns.
Just realizing our old stories is a great first step. The next step is to create new stories that are more tailored to who we want to be and how we want to feel. And the final step is to support these new stories with our perceptions and interpretations.
Instead of interpreting a separation or dismissal as evidence of our unworthiness, we can tell ourselves that there is something better for us – and we deserve it. Instead of expecting people to reject us, we can focus on all of the reasons we should accept and realize that if they don't, it is their loss.
We can also help ourselves to deepen these new stories by surrounding ourselves with people who support, value and encourage us.
As I continue on my own path to healing, I am so grateful for an amazingly supportive friend and network of friends and family (including my sister who has become my best friend over the years), as well as an incredible pup who teaches me the importance of unconditional love every day (I recommend a dog for healing emotional wounds). Even if I withdraw or fall into old patterns, I am still surrounded by people who accept, challenge, lift, and inspire me to be the best version of myself.
My new dream goes like this: I come to class to teach yoga and the students come ready and ready to practice. You're engaged and excited to be there, and so am I. I am no longer insecure and afraid of rejection or abandonment. In this new dream I give everything I have and let my gifts shine. In doing so, I give others permission to do the same.
We are the authors of our own history. The kind of story we can have our best lives in. We can rewrite our history when it no longer fits as we continue to grow and evolve along the way. What will your story say about you
About Shannon Leigh
Shannon Leigh is a student and a creator of life. She is here to learn and share experiences with others by practicing yoga. She believes that yoga brings us back to our most authentic selves, and the best way to be a light to others is to cultivate self-love and acceptance. Out of unconditional love the magic of our life can unfold in the most beautiful way. Visit her at beloveleigh.com.
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