"Don't waste time looking back at what you've lost. Keep going because life shouldn't be traveled backwards." ~ Unknown
When I was thirty-eight, I was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer. One thought persisted during my treatment: "I can't wait until this is over and life is back to normal."
I held the belief that things would go back to the way they were, and all that had to happen was that the treatment ended. It gave me something to focus on that felt real in a time of disturbance and uncertainty.
Unfortunately, when the treatment ended, there was no normal treatment.
My hair was thinning and was now curly than it had been before. I had reconstructed breasts that felt strange. And the mental and physical fatigue from the treatment did not subside. I needed a daily nap to get through the day.
Words often stuck on the tip of my tongue and could not come out. And I sometimes had trouble fully remembering the recent events.
I felt fragile as if I was a little less than myself from cancer.
Worst of all was the almost constant concern that my cancer would return and I would never regain my stamina. I was a corporate finance attorney who had to work full-time again but couldn't.
My life not only felt different, it had been turned upside down.
There was a voice in the back of my head that kept telling me that cancer had somehow changed me and that I had to find out how. But that sounded like more work than I had the mental energy to do. And I was afraid that finding out would interfere with my life even more.
So I convinced myself that I just need more time. And when I was asked how I was doing, I told people that things would normalize again.
Even though time helped to heal my body and memory, I still felt bad. It was like being a viewer watching a film of my life in front of me. The film's star looked and sounded like me, but didn't feel like me.
This took about a year. Until the day I heard my boys laughing hysterically and wondering … when was the last time I laughed? I couldn't remember.
At that moment I decided that it was time to find out how cancer had changed me and what this meant for my future.
When I admitted it to myself, I found myself angry with all the things I had lost because of my cancer. This list contained both big and small things. Loss of income and customers. A vacation in Disney World with my boys. My hair and nails from cancer.
I knew I had to grieve over these losses, but was concerned that I would get stuck in grief. Because daily gratitude had helped me stay positive through cancer treatment, and because I had become careless in my practice, I committed again. Every night I was grateful for at least three things I had experienced that day.
And then I realized that there were things I had to be thankful for because of my cancer. Cancer made me slow down. I spent more time with my boys. And I learned to be more resilient.
So I started adding them to my gratitude practice.
One of the things I was particularly grateful for was the help my family received. Even from people I hardly knew. They brought food, brought my boys to school, and / or planned game dates to distract my boys (and give my poor husband a break).
As I thought about these actions, I realized that my core value of serving others had changed. I still wanted to serve people, but in a more personal way so that they could live happier and more fulfilling lives, which is not exactly what corporate finance work does.
That's why I felt so bad. My values had changed, but I hadn't been listening.
I didn't know exactly what that meant for my future. But it didn't matter because I was finally clear about what was different and how to move forward to create my new normal. My redefined value was my compass for it (and eventually led me away from my legal profession and into a new company).
Although this story is specific to my life, my experience is not unique. A natural part of life includes life-changing experiences and events. Things that bring insecurity and disruption (and remind you of how fragile life really is).
A cancer diagnosis or other illness. Death of a loved one. Even a divorce.
It is human to want things to normalize again. But instead of being caught in this trap:
1. Identify and grieve for your losses.
Disruption brings loss (often many things). It is normal to feel anger, sadness and other emotions. To continue, you have to grieve your losses and process your emotions.
Get help when you need it. People were made to connect and help each other. So there is no shame in doing what we are made to do. It will also help speed up the healing process.
2. Practice gratitude and at the same time concentrate on the positive aspects of your situation so that you are not in grief.
There are many things to be thankful for in everyday life, regardless of what is happening. I recommend paying special attention to the little things you may have taken for granted – like the smell of hot coffee that tore you out of bed after a late night, the feeling of hot water on sore muscles during your morning Shower or the wind chimes in front of your bedroom window that rocked you to sleep.
And no matter how difficult life becomes, there is always something to learn or take from it. Identify what you learned, how you grew, and / or what came out of your experience.
3. Reconnect with your personal values to see how they may have changed.
Life-changing experiences can change your view of life. And that can lead to changes in your personal core values. Your values are your inner compass in life, so it's important to take the time to figure out how they may have changed.
For example, you may have previously valued performance above all else, but now peace is a peak that has changed your definition of success – which means that if you do less, it is okay.
If life is disturbed, you cannot return. But you can regain control and create your new normal.
About Heather Moulder
Heather Moulder is a lawyer and executive coach who helps successful but unfulfilled professionals create success from the inside out for a fulfilling career that comes with a real life in Is in line. Contact Heather for weekly tips and resources on how to train your mind for resilience, overcome overpowering and self-doubt, and safely create a more fulfilling, balanced lifestyle that is fun.
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