“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only requirement for happiness. If we are still holding onto anything in our hearts – anger, fear, or possession – we cannot be free. "~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Almost generally, many of the problems we face in life depend on our own expectations. Expectations of us. Expectations of others. Expectations of situations. Expectations for the world as a whole.
We can expect to be perfect and successful in all of our activities. We can expect to be happy with our life all the time. We can expect others to think and react the way we do. We can expect life to always go according to plan and that the world will be uncompromisingly fair.
To be clear, some expectations are perfectly sound and reasonable. For example, it is reasonable to expect that the people we love won't intentionally hurt us or care about when we share our feelings. On the other hand, it may not be reasonable to expect them to show their care in any particular way as we are all different.
Holding on to expectations can do us a lot of damage internally.
It can eat us up from within. It can lead us to frustration, anger, and resentment. We can hold others and ourselves accountable for the way things are. Or maybe we feel so hurt that we retreat into a shell to protect ourselves and withdraw from those who care about us and the world in general.
Then we can become indifferent to everything that life has to offer. Flat, uninspired and deeply unhappy. In the worst case, these festering feelings can lead us to very dark places.
In order not to fall into depression and to improve our quality of life, we must look for ways to let go of our inappropriately high expectations.
It's not easy, old habits die hard. Letting go of everything can be difficult. We grow on objects, habits, people, behavior and everything in between. But it is possible if we practice confidence, continuously work to let go, and be patient with ourselves when it is difficult.
Personal experiences: expectations of others that only hurt me
Over the years, my expectations of others have frustrated me and hurt me a little. I've exposed myself to disappointment when others didn't seem to give something that is important to me the same priority as I perceive it to be. As I type this, I realize how mundane it sounds. I understand that this is solely about my perspective and expectations, but it's also something that I've had to fight hard at times.
This view was not only reserved for those who are closest to me. A former manager (and something of a mentor in a work environment) once said to me: "Carl, you know your problem is that you expect too much from people."
And in this short sentence there is a very large element of truth. Something I struggled with.
I have come to realize that I have expectations of others in different circumstances and this always leads to disappointment. It could be a frustration with a good friend who pulled out of plans at the last minute (even if they had a good reason). A work colleague could miss a deadline that I think they should have taken more seriously. It could even be related to a stranger not acknowledging that I just kept the door open for them.
Any disappointment that I feel in one of these cases depends entirely on my own expectations. What I expect from others or how I expect them to react. Even so, emotions don't always make sense, so I had to consider myself if I fell into this harmful pattern.
Strangely enough, I can also be frustrated with my own frustration – because I expect to be better. I am someone who values calmness in my life and sees myself as quite rational and reasonably emotionally intelligent. When I let perceived “violations” shake this calm, I inevitably think about how far I still have to get.
Self-examination without judgment
Experiences like this and how I react to it made me confront myself.
Why did I feel offended or hurt? Is it all ego or does something deeper matter? If there is something deeper, what can I do to address the bigger problem instead of stewing my feelings?
What was the benefit for me to carry this energy for a long time? What good would it do my relationships if I expressed my frustrations?
Was I guilty of not having had my conversation and of not acting as an adult? Is that the person I want to be? Can i do better?
Do I expect so much from other people because I expect so much from myself? If I relaxed a little, would it allow me to do the same for others?
This self-inventory is an important step for all of us if we want to develop ourselves in any way.
We all have our strengths and we all have areas that require attention. Without beating ourselves up, we sometimes have to ask ourselves some difficult questions. If we want to avoid negative reactions in the future and deal better with expectations and emotions, we have to understand them.
In my case, I realized what a waste of precious life it is to hold onto negative energy. I don't want to be the person who holds a grudge. I don't want to carry anger or resentment with me. I don't want to be the person who gets bitter. Now I am learning a lesson, if there is one to learn, but then I release the negative energy so that it doesn't burden me.
I have found that some of my frustrations point to areas of my life that may require attention.
If it's a friend who keeps breaking promises, we may need to address the issue directly, have an open chat, and purify the air. Or maybe that's just not the friend for me. We can grow in and out of relationships as much as we can bond with them.
I have also noticed that my ego is often involved in these scenarios. I feel offended because I take things personally – that someone declines me or doesn't honor something important to me, and so they can't value our time as much as I do. But often when people disappoint me it has little to do with me and everything to do with their own circumstances.
I have to pay attention to that and work. I'm far from perfect, but I'm getting better and now less of my behavior is selfish.
I've also made peace with the fact that I may not always be as Zen as I would like to be, but that's okay. My journey is my journey. It is important for me to realize who I am and to work on being the best version of myself that I can be.
Also, I am sure that even the Zenist of the monks is not immune to the strange expectations and frustrations that creep into their day.
I have also tried to develop a practice and habit of gratitude in my life to offset the pain of unfulfilled expectations.
When we feel gratitude, true appreciation and joy for something, it is difficult to stay in a negative space.
Gratitude enables us to celebrate others for who they are, rather than denigrating them for not being who we want them to be. We can accept the fact that we are all different, we are all fallible. We all have our own little strange and wonderful ways. That's it to be human. We can choose to judge less. We can choose to accept and move on.
We can choose to let go.
Letting go is a journey
Expectations are a natural part of life. Not all are necessarily negative, but they often need to be balanced. When our expectations cause us pain or make us someone we don't want to be, we need to learn to let them go.
It doesn't happen overnight. It's a journey. It means taking the time to develop new habits – such as self-reflection, ego challenge, and gratitude – that will support new paths
And paradoxically, our unfulfilled expectations sometimes signal something else that we have to let go – like friendships that are constantly exhausted or a career path that remains permanently unfulfilled. This means that we need to get back to us from time to time to make sure we are on the right track for ourselves. And we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about what is really important to us in our life.
Letting go not only means confronting ourselves and making challenging decisions, but also overcoming some of our greatest inner fears and perceptions. What we thought needed may not be what we actually need to be fully fed. For example, we can recognize that we need to validate ourselves instead of looking to other people for validation and interpreting every little thing perceived as evidence of our own unworthiness.
It is undoubtedly difficult to learn to let go of our expectations, but it is also necessary to maintain our relationships, peace and sanity and become the best versions of ourselves.
Are you ready to let go?
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