C Couples come to counseling for a variety of reasons, and the role of therapists is to understand the nature of couples' concerns and provide helpful tools. Sometimes, as therapists, we hear one partner complain about the things the other partner is doing, and often these things seem very trivial. We might also hear clients complaining about conflicts stemming from their partner's lack of emotional availability, along with their partner's escape or some other place to relieve stress, meet needs, or emotionally share.
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For example, a person might say, “My partner is always on the phone” or “My husband always takes calls during family time” or “My wife shares our struggles with her friends” or “My partner would rather play video games than be with me. “Then there are less trivial statements like:“ I think my spouse is having an affair. ”
Anything that undermines the security of the bond between partners and creates hardship can be seen as a threat to the relationship. The resulting hardship must not be viewed as trivial, regardless of how small and harmless the situation appears on the surface.
A rival of the relationship
A competitive bond is a threat to bond security, in which a person in a relationship turns away from the relationship and turns to someone or something else in order to meet their emotional or attachment needs. This is often experienced by their partner as a rival to their relationship – someone or something with whom they have to compete for the time and attention of their sweetheart
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Some of these emotional investments or activities by one of the partners may actually be fake attachments. These attachments are an attempt to mimic the needs of comfort, calmness, and belonging that a safe relationship would normally provide. It is usually the other partner (not the partner involved in the competing bond) who initially complains about distress.
The person participating in the competing attachment may or may not be aware that they are turning to another location to meet their emotional and attachment needs. This can largely depend on their own attachment style and level of emotional intelligence. Those who engage in the competitive bond are sometimes well aware of what they are doing but may try to deny the impact this is having on their partner or relationship.
Depending on the type of competing attachment (what or whom a person faces) and the frequency (how often it turns out), their partner may feel frustrated, jealous, hurt, and separated. The more often this happens, the more desperate the relationship can become. The attachment bond may then shift from secure to insecure, or a romantic attachment that was already insecure can add to that insecurity. In addition, satisfaction with the relationship decreases when a relationship is distressed by a competing attachment.
Studies are currently showing a connection between competing ties and insecure ties. However, it is not known whether one causes the other or whether an already insecure attachment or an insecurely attached person is more susceptible to developing or experiencing a competitive attachment.
While different types of competing ties tend to pose different threats to a relationship, there is a clear connection between a partner's desire to maintain competing ties and their romantic bond security and relationship satisfaction. In a study carried out for my dissertation research, it was found that the more a competing attachment increases, the more secure attachment within the relationship decreases. As the bond security decreases, so does the satisfaction with the relationship.
Competitive ties represent a fake bond in which a partner turns outside of marriage or relationship and to something or someone else to escape, calm, comfort, or attract attention as a substitute for unmet attachment needs. Competing attachments can include addictions, affairs, gaming systems, smartphones, family members, or anything else that could induce a spouse or partner to compete with that "other" for attachment to their partner.
Competing attachments against hobbies
It is important to distinguish the difference between a competing attachment and a hobby. Obviously, not everything someone turns to outside of a relationship will represent a competitive bond. Clients may have healthy bonds with other people or with things that do not violate the boundaries of the romantic relationship between two people and that do not create a sense of competition for emotional time, attention, or affection.
In general, hobbies do not threaten relationships because there are some emotional boundaries. Typically, hobbies are pursued for general enjoyment rather than an escape or an alternative to the benefits of their romantic partner. Hobbies have the potential to turn into a competitive bond, although securely connected people or relationships usually don't.
In my clinical practice, I have often heard female partners feel the danger of competing bonding because their partners come home from work most nights and miss even a bit of time connecting spend. Instead, they go straight to their game systems and play for hours until it's time to put the kids to bed or check in for the night. Part of what adds to the feeling of competing attachment is that a partner will regularly reach out to that "other" before contacting his own partner, or more often than his own partner.
Types of competing attachments
Research has not yet examined each type of competitive attachment individually or its respective effects on the security and satisfaction of relationships, also because new forms of competitive attachment appear and develop over time. Furthermore, competing ties and their effects can vary culturally. However, some specific types of competing attachments have been linked to decreases in relationship security and satisfaction.
Addiction
Studies on addiction and attachment help to explain how disrupted attachment ties and adaptation mechanisms in early life, if left untreated, can become obstacles to emotional flexibility and attachment in romantic relationships between adults. If emotional regulation and reassurance are not taught in the context of attachment bonds with a loved one, it can leave individuals more prone to turning to substance as a means of calming and escape. Basically, a failed attachment to a primary attachment figure creates an alternative attachment to survival mechanisms and defense mechanisms. This eventually translates into substance attachments or other compulsive behaviors for comfort, reassurance, safety, protection, and security.
It is shown that substances have analgesic (pain-blocking) effects that help to numb emotionally painful experiences and situations. People with addiction are unable to self-regulate their emotions internally. They often turn to substances or compulsions to regulate their feelings of pain or stressful emotional experiences. It has been shown that non-chemical processes like pornography and gambling have similar effects to chemical substances on the brain and can be used by a person to produce the same effect.
The more often someone turns to addictive behavior in order to meet his attachment needs, the less often he looks for connections to others. Addiction eventually becomes a substitute for human connection. Over time, this leads to a false sense of connection or a fake bond, as a real and secure bond bond involves a two-way relationship.
In romantic relationships, the consequences for the non-addicting partner are that they are left emotionally (and often physically) alone to deal with emotional stress and the pressures of daily life. Additionally, it is difficult to establish a safe and satisfactory connection with a partner who is not emotionally present, engaged, or approachable because of their addiction, especially if the addiction negatively alters the person's mood. The result is a relationship that is more conflictual, less emotionally engaged, more unstable or insecure, and less satisfying.
Social media, games, smartphones
With the advancement and availability of new technologies, the type and frequency of competing attachments have also changed. Internet addiction is a general term that encompasses a variety of online behaviors that are problematic for individuals and relationships. For example, addiction to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram has been labeled as intrusive in relationships and is linked to relationship dissatisfaction. Technoference is a term applied to the interference of technology in relationships, including romantic relationships. Another trending term is phubbing, or phone snubbing. This describes when a person turns their attention to a smartphone rather than their romantic partner or others in a social or personal setting.
As cell phones and gaming systems have moved from simple electronic devices to devices that encourage participation and interaction on the Internet, live human interactions have decreased. Adult online gamers have described how they sacrifice important aspects of their lives in order to maintain their online gaming status. Romantic partners report that technologies such as games and smartphones often disrupt the quality of time and connection, reduce bedtime at night, and affect time spent together for leisure activities. In other words, these partners feel that their relationship has taken a back seat to online gaming activity.
Those who have been phubbed report feeling that their romantic partner prefers a virtual world and connection with them over time, thus sending an implicit message about what their partner is about most appreciates. This has become so problematic in romantic relationships that self-help groups have been founded for “gaming widows” who suffer from technoference. In addition, interviews have shown that Technoference decreases relationship satisfaction and increases conflicts between romantic partners.
Pornography
Pornography is unique in that it can involve two different types of competing ties: addiction and infidelity (since many romantic partners view pornography as a form of infidelity). Often times, the addicted partner turns to pornography as a source of stress relief or to alleviate feelings of shame and separation in the romantic relationship.
Studies on the experiences of those partners who are not addicted to pornography show that they often feel they are in competition with pornography or the actors involved in pornographic material. Reversing the relationship into an addiction has also been shown to negatively impact the security of the relationship bond and the satisfaction of the relationship.
Affairs and infidelity
Infidelity in a romantic relationship (infidelity) is considered to be one of the greatest threats to the security of romantic ties and satisfaction with relationships. Infidelity is a major cause of divorce and a major threat to competing relationships.
In contrast to other forms of competitive attachment, this particular form may only have to occur once for the partner to consider it as a competitive attachment. What constitutes appropriate or inappropriate behavior towards someone outside of the relationship can mean different things to different people. For some, a one-off non-sexual encounter in which their partner turns to someone else may be acceptable, while others may find small flirtations that do not result in sexual intercourse unacceptable. For others, finding inappropriate, provocative, or sexual images or messages exchanged between their partner and someone else can constitute infidelity. The definition of infidelity depends on how the couple defines the boundaries of their relationship and how they define cheating.
Infidelity, even if only noticed, has the power, trust, security and satisfaction of the love relationship to undermine. Social media behaviors that violate relationship boundaries are also associated with relational insecurity and decreased relationship satisfaction.
It has been shown that factors such as attachment security and satisfaction are both consequences and causes of infidelity. Those who are securely attached are less likely to engage in unfaithful behavior. There is also a link between avoidance of attachment and interest in other partners, as well as strong associations between insecurity in attachment and infidelity in relationships. Unsatisfied attachment needs and low relationship satisfaction can contribute to people seeking connection and sex outside of their primary love affair.
Rival relationships
External or "rival" relationships may not constitute or result in infidelity, but they can nonetheless be experienced as competing attachments to the romantic attachment. A rival relationship can be any non-romantic relationship that a partner has with another person outside of their love affair, especially if the external person is perceived as attractive. This could be a friend of the opposite sex. Even family members can become competing bonds in some relationships.
In rival relationships, a partner can consistently turn to a friend or family member to discuss private emotional issues, seek solace or confirmation, or share friendly connections that are not with his partner or spouse within the love affair to be shared . Another example might be a partner exchanging text messages, emails, phone calls, or having private get-togethers with someone outside of the love affair, especially when their romantic partner is not invited to attend. The romantic partner may feel like they are excluded from or outside of their partner's friendship or relationship.
In therapy, clients can complain about the closest friend of their partner of the opposite sex or about a pushy in-law to whom their spouse often turns for advice and emotional support. Rival relationships involving family members who clients typically refer to as "intrusive" family members are associated with a weaker couple identity and have been shown to predict the quality of the couple's bond.
Interestingly, even in cultures in which men are expected to have a strong alliance with their mothers after marriage, women in these marriages often complain about the feeling of competing with their mothers-in-law for their place in the family unit. An example might be a husband who often puts his mother first by meeting her all needs, even after getting married. This type of competitive bond often goes unnoticed. Society tends to dismiss entangled mother-son relationships as potentially problematic, despite the ramifications for marriage or the son's romantic relationship. I am not referring here to a healthy attachment bond between a mother and a son, but to an unhealthy form of attachment (unsafe attachment) that results in a person being unable to safely and appropriately override parts of their attachment role if necessary.
Importance for clinical practice
Each of these types of competing attachments has a common correlation with the security of attachments (or lack thereof) and satisfaction with the relationship. As professional therapists, we know that the science is clear about the importance of human bonds throughout life. Primary attachment figures were originally thought to be important for infants and children. However, these roles were later recognized as important to all people at all stages, including those with whom we form strong romantic relationships as adults.
Each person has a different attachment style, which is classified as either secure or insecure. These attachment strategies are typically stable over time. However, attachment relationship ties can be defined separately from individuals, also as secure or insecure. In addition, there is plasticity in attachment relationships between adults. You can switch from safe to unsafe and vice versa. Problems can arise in romantic relationships when the security of the attachment relationship is compromised. This is important for therapists to understand how they are working with their clients to help them move from insecure to secure attachment and to build safe and satisfying relationships.
Competing bonds threaten the security and satisfaction of romantic attachment relationships and can become crucial moments that redefine a couple's relationship as insecure. This can additionally create a dead end for relational trust and stability, both of which can negatively impact relational satisfaction. Anything that compromises the stability and satisfaction of a bond bond is important for clinicians to be ready to intervene.
Not all things that someone turns to outside of the love relationship are considered competing ties. In order to form a competitive bond, it must cross certain boundaries or thresholds that lead to distress. When a relationship has a competitive bond and causes distress, the satisfaction of the relationship decreases. The less secure the bond between the couple and the less satisfactory the relationship, the greater the risk that the relationship will be broken. The security of attachments is strongly related to the satisfaction of the relationship. Both the bond security and satisfaction with the relationship are important factors for the longevity of the relationship and personal health. Relational satisfaction should remain relatively high and stable over time for most couples in committed relationships.
Attachment science provides a guide to treatment strategies and interventions for couples who come to therapy and report the existence of competing attachments.
Treatment recommendations
If a couple comes into your practice and complains about or suggests the possibility of a competing attachment, consider asking some assessment questions. These questions are based on the Competitive Attachment Scale I created for my dissertation study in 2015 with emotionally focused therapy trainer Rebecca Jorgensen and UCLA Professor Rory Reid.
1) Have you had any past experience or are you currently experiencing a sense of competition with the activities or relationships your partner engages in?
2) Do you feel like your partner is turning to another place outside of the relationship to meet their needs instead of turning to you?
3) Do you feel hurt, harassed or annoyed by this?
4) Do you feel that this was a problem in your relationship, caused a lot of conflict, or impaired your ability to get in touch with or to have a healthy bond with your partner?
Please also note the following treatment recommendations for couples who report distress due to a competing relationship:
Clearly identify and understand how the competitive bond is part of a couple's relationship system (its negative interaction pattern or cycle).
Identify competing attachment as an alternative (and ineffective) method of dealing / not dealing with emotional distress or failing to meet needs (poorly adjusted behavior).
Help couples turn to each other as safe bases / havens to regulate moments of emotional distress.
Help couples find alternative ways to deal with emotional dysregulation that do not cause relationship problems or break relationship boundaries.
Help couples identify their emotional / attachment needs and ask if those needs need to be met in their relationship.
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For more information on adult attachment research or clinical training in your area, visit the websites of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and its founder Sue Johnson.
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Anabelle Bugatti is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Las Vegas. She is a certified Emotionally Focused Supervisor and Therapist and President of the Southern Nevada Community for Emotionally Focused Therapy. She holds a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northcentral University. Her new book "With Relentless Empathy in Therapeutic Relationships: Contact with Challenging and Resilient Customers" should appear at the end of the year. Contact them at [email protected].
Knowledge-sharing articles developed from sessions presented at American Counseling Association conferences.
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Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to reflect the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
