"You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are." ~ Yogi Bhajan
Most of my life I felt that life was happening to everyone else and I just had to watch.
Another's parents came to see their graduation and celebrated with them. I went home alone.
Other people went to their own university degree. I didn't even bother to get my certificate sent to me.
Other people have made an appointment and experienced what it's like to spend their time with a large number of people to find out who suits them and who doesn't. Instead, I stayed at home and watched TV.
Other people made friends at work and made contacts with them. I went home and listened to their stories the next week. The cycle would repeat until the following week.
Other people eagerly married and issued their wedding photos. Mine was hidden in a closet.
Other people held large family celebrations and laughed at the laughter I wanted.
Other people were honeymoons or traveled to exotic places with people they loved. People with whom they held hands. I never thought that this would be possible for me.
I have thousands of other examples of how I've missed life, and I know that the majority of people would respond to each one of them: "Well, why didn't you make it? happened? Why didn't you make a choice? Why didn't you do anything ?! "
The honest answer is that I didn't know I had to do anything.
I thought I had to sit around and wait for something good to happen to me as I see amazing things happen to other people. I haven't seen them happen most of the time, and I haven't understood why nothing exciting happened to me.
I felt helpless and hopeless.
It is not that I was ungrateful for my life, although it should be described more precisely as existence. And yes, by and large it was a pretty good existence, but I was lucky enough to grow up in a society that offered a multitude of opportunities and possibilities … none of which I used.
I felt frustrated, drained and depressed because, in my view, life passed me quickly while others had to live it. Really live it.
And I never understood why …
Things have changed a lot since then, but it was sometimes difficult to see what I had done for myself or not.
Maybe you can relate. You may also feel that you should be thankful for your life, comfort, and health as you feel the stinging pain of a life that is not unloved but unlived.
You may also feel that you are watching from the sidelines while others can play the game of life.
Maybe you always wanted to join in, but also felt too shy, too awkward … INHIBITED!
And on this I write back my unlived life struggles – my inhibition.
There is something in me that has always held me back. Not only from bad or unwise, but also from good and fun.
Something in me always stopped me. The inside always felt fearful and insecure.
Even if I realized I should make decisions, I don't think I could have made any because I didn't really know what I wanted.
As a child, I was taught that you can't have everything you want. I think I meant that wanting something was bad and would only lead to disappointments. To avoid this disappointment and shame for my needs, I started to suppress most of my desires.
This made going out much more bearable.
But the things I just couldn't stop doing – like friends or new and fun experiences – made me very worried.
Not because it was bad to want them, but because I felt absolutely powerless to achieve them.
And so I was stuck in an unhelpful way of thinking, which was characterized by inhibition, self-doubt and passivity as well as underdeveloped skills. In combination this led to:
Friends with whom I have not come into contact
People I have never met and dated
I never went on vacation
Career opportunities that I miss out on
Parties I didn't go to
Celebrations I didn't attend
Real intimacy I was afraid of
I never made a connection
Words that I have never spoken
Dreams that I didn't realize
Opportunities that I have not used
A life that I have not lived
In the past, I saw myself as a person who just shouldn't be happy. A fun person just didn't happen.
I didn't know that I had to have fun and that I longed for it.
I longed for an uninhibited one. A light for me. An open me. It's fun for me.
I knew it existed, but I just didn't know how to unleash it.
I was an oppressed shell of myself. I looked inside out and watched how others lived a rich and fulfilling life, wanted to join them, but felt trapped in myself.
“Good girls are not ungrateful and selfish. They don't ask what they want. They are happy with what they have. "
Such a short message with such a big impact.
I suppressed myself at every level without really knowing what I was doing. Instead, I felt sorry for myself and was completely helpless.
It's not that I was lazy and loved to feel sorry for myself. I didn't know the glass wall wasn't really there. It looked real to me. For me it absolutely existed. I didn't know that it was just restrictive and inhibitory beliefs that kept me from creating the life I wanted and becoming who I wanted to be.
So I waited as I watched others live their lives.
Until one day I met some very different people than I did. Someone who was more like the opposite extreme. Someone who has always said "yes" to life and seized opportunity for opportunity and experience for experience.
He helped me see through my limiting beliefs and step through my imaginary glass wall. It was a difficult task at times, but it was very worth it. Anyone can do that. I am in no way a special case or exceptional, and therefore I know that it is possible for everyone if I can.
Here are the five most important things that helped me to free myself:
Don't believe your inhibitory thoughts
This is HUGE! Just because we think something doesn't mean it's true. It also doesn't mean that it is helpful or something we should react to.
Old thoughts feel real and true and are usually very strong. We believe them because they have been with us for a very long time. Yet they may prevent us from realizing how powerful we are in creating our own lives.
Just because you think you are too old for this or that does not mean that you are.
Just because learning something new is difficult or uncomfortable doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
Just because there are things you missed when you were young doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it anymore or that your chance is over.
We listen to thousands of restrictive and inhibitory thoughts and then rob ourselves of really engaging with life.
We need to become more aware of these thoughts in order to overcome them. That means we have to stop treating them as if they were absolutely true and valid reasons to choose not to participate in the game of life.
Allow yourself to want something
Maybe there is nothing you want to be aware of right now. That's okay. I was there too. We bury some things so deep inside that we don't even remember that they exist. Don't worry about it – everything will come back to you.
When you open up and are ready to listen, miraculous things happen. You will feel a push here or there. Something interesting will draw your attention. You will feel a little pull in your stomach that tells you that you want something.
And then it's about allowing that without denying it, invalidating it or pushing it away.
Just leave it there and listen.
Calm down and calm down
Reawakening your desires can bring unpleasant feelings. What you want can be embarrassed, and it can be difficult or even forbidden and depressing to get it back in your mind.
Learn to calm yourself down with these difficult feelings if they should occur.
You are not a threat. They are simply an internal response to interrupting the inhibition cycle. It may feel scary, but it's not wrong to break this cycle. You are doing something good and life-affirming and life-improving for yourself.
Speak to yourself in a compassionate, encouraging, and calming voice. Make room for all feelings and calm your nervous system by breathing deeply and slowly.
Everything is fine. You are not doing anything wrong.
You are safe and well on your way to getting out of the jail of inhibition and bravely entering the world.
Preparing and planning measures
If we haven't tried to do things proactively for ourselves, we don't have much practice. We may not yet know how to deal with the frustration and disappointment of learning something new, and it is not turning out as we hoped.
These are skills that need to be developed. It is a natural part of learning, and we need to practice overcoming our frustrations and disappointments so that we can continue to make things happen.
We cannot be stopped by the discomfort of temporary disappointment and frustration. These are just signs that there are different and better ways to get closer to what we want. They are not indications that we should do it wrong or give it up.
They are signs that we are trying something different and learning something new. They are proof that we are proactive in living and growing as a person.
Learn new skills and take action
This is the part "Doing it". It is exciting and scary at the same time. But here change happens in a visible way. This is the part that is easily recognizable.
It can also be the part in which the inhibition could lift its ugly head one last time before it recognizes its defeat. Don't give in! You worked hard for this moment, so keep going.
If you want to learn how to set limits, say the words.
If you are going to have a difficult conversation because you only have to take something off your chest, you have it.
If you plan to leave your partner, go.
Whatever it is, take action.
It is the penultimate part. You can do this too, especially now that you've prepared for it.
Take note of your feelings and confirm them. Speak to you with understanding and compassion. Calm down and calm down. Then take action.
Act even if it feels scary or uncomfortable. It's new and different, so it can feel like a threat. but remember that this is not the case.
You can do this.
Inhibition does not have to be a life sentence. Make sure this is not the case.
About Marlena Tillhon
Marlena helps people who struggle in relationships due to code-keeping, insecure attachment and unresolved trauma to develop and change in such a way that they finally get the love they have need. She works as a psychotherapist, relationship trainer and clinical director and loves to connect on Instagram or through her Facebook group and page Love with Clarity. She is an expert in human relationships and sees her as the elixir of life for a meaningful existence.
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