"Success is how high you jump when you hit the ground." ~ George S. Patton
Much of the difficulties and struggles we go through in life are based on our resistance to change. At some point we are stuck in painful circumstances, but we fear facing our reality and doing the work that is necessary to initiate positive change. After all, the enemy we know is better than the enemy we do not know. It's not that bad, we tell ourselves.
So we settle down, give up our desires, try to make the most of what we have – and that works for a while. Until it becomes unbearable to get stuck. Until we acknowledge that it makes us sick if we don't deal with our reality. Until we realize that resisting change is betrayal. Until we say enough!
Looking back, I heard the call for change all my life, only I didn't recognize it because of my weak self-confidence.
I was a sensitive child who experienced everything on a deeper level. Growing up in a difficult environment, experiencing trauma at a young age, and feeling unloved and unkempt for everyone contributed to my self-worth problems.
Standing up for myself only brought more pain and rejection, so I turned inward and buried myself deep inside. I became invisible, calm, and a good girl on the outside, but on the inside I felt broken and alone.
Over the years I learned to mask my pain and shame with denial, arrogance and control. As Brené Brown shapes it, please-perfect-performing became my unconscious state of being – and it led me to success by conventional standards. But inside I felt restless and separated from myself and the world.
Ultimately, this conflict between my inner turmoil and my outer person took a toll. Anxiety, depression, and symptoms of C-PTSD descended on me and I began to unravel.
You say that transformation begins when the desire for change overwhelms our fears about it. Here I was at the bottom, admitting defeat, tired of living a life of pain, and ready to finally take the responsibility to change it, however difficult the road to recovery may be.
In my thirties it became clear that it was not useful for me to run away from the pain. If I swept things under the rug and pretended everything was okay, I could be in control for the moment, but the problems just got bigger. After all, running away from me, neglecting myself, and giving myself away was no longer an option. I had to choose to show up – I had to find my way back home.
1. Commit to healing – transition from abandonment to personal responsibility
The pain that built up over the years occurred in the wrong places. There was a lot of conflict all around me and I was very ashamed that I had failed as a mother, wife and friend. I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, thinking I should know better, do better – be better.
This only increased my efforts to control everything and everyone around me, which of course led to further conflict. I was in a vicious circle of trying to fix things but doing everything wrong – until I gave up control and pulled all the energy back into me.
Most of us will first look for changes in our external circumstances when we are not satisfied with our life. This works fine to a certain extent, but at some point we hit a wall and realize that we need to look inward and change too.
Making an appointment with a therapist was scary, but in hindsight it was the best decision I have ever made for myself. Having to tell my story and having someone listen compassionately and without judgment was something I never grew up with. I worked with an EMDR specialist to integrate past trauma. I wrote about my pain. I walked away I screamed and cried.
It was painful to face my demons. To allow myself to touch the anger, I kept myself in bottles for decades for fear of what it could do to me if I let it all out. To face the fact that I have abandoned myself all these years just as others abandoned me when I needed them most. Touch the rawness of my pain Say things out loud. To hold space for myself when I dared to feel what I needed
Healing is not for the faint of heart. That is why so many choose never to do this job. It's exhausting, confrontational, and there are no guarantees. You need to be willing to do difficult work, take action, and step out of your comfort zone to face fears that you may have escaped your entire life. You need to be willing to take a punch and risk emotional pain as you move through your fears. Often times you will be tested and tried to give up.
Go on! Show up and do the job – your future you will thank you!
2. Radical self-care – transition from self-neglect to self-worth
It wasn't until I started putting myself first that I realized how negligible I was to my own health – physically, mentally and emotionally.
When we are everything to everyone, we may feel productive and valued, but it is also exhausted. And it's not sustainable. This is a recipe for burnout and feeling powerless and neglected.
In order to deviate from self-neglect, you must first and foremost invest in yourself. This starts with setting healthy boundaries, listening to your body, and owning your sanity. They realize that like plants, you too need to be nourished and cared for to thrive.
Self-care begins with creating healthy habits that encourage relaxation, grounding, and growth to reduce stress. It's also about eliminating stressors by setting clear boundaries on what you allow – saying "no" when you have to and "yes" only when you want to. It takes time to recharge and replenish before you are overwhelmed – body, mind, and spirit.
Radical self-care goes one step further. It is recognizing your addiction and the habitual behaviors that you hold onto and move on to new ways of being and behaving. It's not about chasing people or energizing relationships that are toxic to your wellbeing. The obsessive need to control the result is eliminated. It's about realizing your worth and putting yourself first and realizing that only then can you really be present to others.
If self-care wasn't modeled for you as a child, it might feel selfish at first. Do not neglect yourself. Do the job of repairing yourself and give yourself the love and care you need and deserve. You have the power to take control of your wellbeing and meet your own needs – this is how you move from being chronically overwhelmed, anxious and depressed to a more balanced lifestyle. This is how you take back your inner strength!
3. Mindfulness – transition from autopilot to awareness and compassion
One of the ways I neglected myself and blocked change was to keep myself busy. Work, kids, home, relationships – there was always so much to do. This prevented me from addressing the bigger issues – I felt disconnected from myself, overwhelmed by my circumstances, and alone in my struggles.
In search of anything that could help me with my paralyzing fear, I started to practice mindfulness. I learned to breathe rather than act on my reactive impulses, to observe what was happening in my body during stressful times, and to notice the habitual thought patterns and beliefs that went through my head when things weren't going my way went.
I started to watch how my thoughts added to my stress. For example, I noticed that if something went wrong, I would judge and criticize myself for every misstep and question my character in shame (self-rejection). If my husband was late from work, I would worry that he had an accident (catastrophic). If my girlfriend hasn't checked in for a few days, I assumed that she no longer cares about me (assuming). I would not rest if the house was not clean and the children were happy (perfectionism).
I was chronically worried about our future. Stressed and fearful, I would work overtime again, emotionally overeating, snap at the kids, complain and worry while neglecting my well-being.
When I brought these automatic reactions and emotional and thought patterns to light, I was able to break the cycle. I realized how I had sabotaged my healing by allowing my subconscious to control my life. Discovering that I was largely standing on my own path, causing my own suffering, was a sobering but liberating experience – it meant that I could change it!
Instead of criticism, I switched to compassion and positive self-talk. I started taking breaks when I got tired instead of frantically pushing myself through. I learned to let go of worrying thoughts when they emerged and instead took steps to alleviate my discomfort – by walking, watching a comedy, gardening, or calling my mom to distract me.
I processed my frustrations by writing instead of passing them on to others. I've learned to ask for what I needed and to say "no" to what I didn't want. I adjusted to my body and learned to breathe through hard feelings. Instead of resisting them and running away from them, I let them run through me and knew that eventually it would all be over.
It was not easy to break away from autopilots and habitual thought patterns. Sitting in meditation was very difficult at first. I could only muster a few minutes of consciousness before my thoughts wandered and I would lose myself in painful feelings again.
Gradually, however, I learned to notice that I was getting tangled and I caught my breath again. This created a space between thinking and reacting – a space where I realized that I had a choice. As I brought the practice into real life, I gradually learned to slow my reactions by taking deep breaths and then reacting consciously rather than habitually.
It is very difficult to learn to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings and to stay in the moment despite the storm you feel within you, especially for those of us who have experienced trauma. When it gets difficult – and you will too – remember that nobody is perfect and everyone has problems in one way or another.
Don't give up. Do your best to meet your inner experiences with presence and compassion. Remember to love yourself through everything that comes up – all parts of you need to be seen, accepted and integrated.
4. Healing trauma – transition from betrayal to acceptance
Healing is an exploration of who we are on a deeper level. As we rediscover ourselves, we find out what has been lost, reconnect with our wounded parts, and remember what we want to honor, support, and strengthen in the future.
Once you have established a distance between the triggers and your reaction patterns, leave room for healing. Here you discover that you have the power to convert your pain into strength.
Anchored in mindfulness, stop glossing over your wounds and – with compassion for your pain – show up to deal with what hurts and may have hurt for decades. You are no longer willing to give yourself away. Instead, face our fears, breathe through the pain trapped in your body, and slowly disassemble your story about your inherent worth and place in the world.
Journaling was a major part of this process for me. As I got my thoughts and feelings down on paper, I was able to step back, see patterns, and figure out how to shift my responses to be more constructive in the future. By letting go of my pain, I was able to distance myself from it and let go of the grip that negative emotions had on me. I've learned to detach and let go.
When I became curious and looked at my experience from a higher perspective, clarity and insight followed. I was able to write about my fears, difficult feelings and pent-up trauma. I explored my tendencies towards co-dependency, control and overfunction and looked at what I could change.
Writing about my pain helped me develop compassion for myself as I slowly published the stories that held me in the past. As painful as the process was, I kept showing how all those years of masking pain, running away from fear and not taking responsibility to heal what needed healing was a form of betrayal. I decided to surround it with love instead.
My pain became fuel for awakening, my wounds became a birthplace of resilience, inner strength, empathy and wisdom. When I hugged myself – both strengths and weaknesses – I showed myself to the fullest of who I was. I came home.
5. Empowerment – transition from self-rejection to self-love and wholeness
Many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves that we have been ashamed to believe and now accept as truths. These stories keep us deeply hidden and feel "less than". Untested, they sabotage our lives and prevent us from being who we really are. Challenging and rewriting these beliefs can cause us to loosen up and move forward again.
Growing up in a largely invalid and disconnected environment, I believed that I was different from everyone else and that something was wrong with me. I didn't feel loved, seen, or heard. I thought I didn't care. I wasn't important to anyone. I believed that nobody would ever love me.
Mindfulness helped me to reconnect with my heart, to recognize my true nature and to recognize which untruths had to be let go of. As I worked to identify past pains and long-held beliefs about who I believed I was, I began to express myself more authentically. I better realized where my life was out of alignment and took conscious steps to build a life that was more aligned with my authentic self.
It felt empowered to finally get up and assert my worth, my needs and my limits.
As I began to acknowledge my own feelings, meet my needs, and give myself the love and care I longed for, my confidence and resilience also grew. I realized that I didn't have to overcome pain. Instead, I incorporated it into my self-love equation and realized that my painful experiences had taught me how strong I really was. I started to trust myself and to follow my inner guidance and learn to flow with what was to come based on self care and self love.
The opposite of self-betrayal is self-love. The journey of transformation is truly a journey of self-love and wholeness. It is the realization that we are inherently worthy – not flawed, smaller, or damaged in any way as we have been led to believe.
It is inappropriate to drop all programs that we have accepted as truths about ourselves and our place in the world. It shows up even when things are not convenient. No more self-rejection, no more exile and no more injustice.
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My journey has changed me more than I can count. I found inner peace where before there was only turmoil and fear. I came through a painful past and turned injuries into resilience. I embraced my vulnerability and accepted the complexities of who I am without having to deny or shame parts of myself.
I learned to trust myself because I knew that I could use my inner strength to deal with whatever comes next. I've shifted my energies to building and supporting myself instead of focusing on what is wrong or missing in my life. I became my own ally – I learned to love and support myself no matter what.
Instead of giving myself up all the time, I gave up the past, woke up to what I really was and began to live from this truth wholeheartedly and without excuse.
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