As the Black Lives Matter movement grows in importance across the nation and around the world, many of us are encouraged to use the skills we have learned to improve ourselves – such as ours Telling the truth, setting boundaries and breaking people – gratifying pattern – to improve our communities, our countries and our world.
Those of us who are allies are well placed to hold discussions about racial justice with our family members, friends, and co-workers. Historically, however, many of us have resisted these conversations for fear of being awkward, the anger of others, or the possibility of rupturing relationships.
In the past, I pushed my limits to racist relatives below average. Instead of saying, "Hey, what you just said was really racist." I usually chose to remain silent. I justified my silence with one or all of the following excuses:
"I can't change your mind."
"You won't listen to me anyway."
"There will only be an argument."
"If this becomes a debate, I don't know enough facts to justify my side."
Now I understand that silence is violence – and complicity in racism is racism.
Some activists claim that allies are most useful when we work with our racist relatives to promote racial justice. Others warn that bitter arguments with racist relatives are a waste of energy – energy that could be better used to create real change for black people.
Whether you choose an offensive stance (proactive involvement of your racist relatives in racial discussions) or a defensive stance (against racist relatives who make racist comments) is critical if you know how to deal with borders racist family members. When conversations become ineffective or toxic, we need to know how to exercise our power and how to create security for ourselves.
With these four tools, you can set limits to your racist relatives and preserve the emotional energy you need to avoid burnout and continue to engage in anti-racist activities.
1. Clarify the values that enable you to express yourself.
If we plan a difficult conversation, we can find motivation and strength in our values. Our values are our fundamental beliefs that help us determine what is important to us.
My basic values include integrity and authenticity. I am passionate about speaking from the heart, am honest and act morally.
When it comes to having difficult conversations with family members about race, I ask myself: What would it be like to act with integrity here? What would it mean to be completely authentic in this conversation? For me, this means not being silent in difficult conversations, addressing racist jokes and comments as soon as they are spoken, and sticking to my beliefs, even in the face of the anger of others.
What are your basic values? Honesty? Loyalty? Generosity? Compassion? Think about how these values align with your intention to speak out against racial injustices. When these conversations become difficult, you can find comfort in the truth that you live in accordance with your basic beliefs.
(If you want to discover your deepest values, but are not sure where to start, Scott Jeffrey's Core Value List with over 200 personal values is a good place to start.)
2. Prepare yourself with a specific language.
Cross-border discussions, especially with relatives, are among the most challenging discussions we can have. To reduce the pressure we may have to conjure up the perfect words at the perfect time, it helps to prepare yourself with a few key phrases that we can use to set our limits and re-assert ourselves.
In a recent Instagram post, trauma and relationship therapist Jordan Pickell made some great suggestions on how to tell someone you love that he's racist. It contained suggestions such as:
At the moment you can say: "This is really racist / insulting / ignorant."
Set a limit where you don't accept racist comments: "Don't make racist jokes around me. If you do, I'll go."
Concentrate on the feelings / effects of her words: "When you say that, I feel angry / disgusted / confused."
You can also come back to it later: "What you said recently does not suit me well."
Remember that boundaries are statements of what we accept or will not accept. The goal of a border is not necessarily to change someone else's behavior, but to create security and integrity for ourselves. The most perfect limit may not stop Uncle Joe from making racist jokes, but it can protect you, your children, your mental energy, or your home. Examples of simple limits in this sense are:
"I won't speak to you if you make racist comments."
"If you make racist comments, I'll hang up."
"If you continue to make racist comments, I will not bring my children to your home."
"I cannot tolerate your racism and I no longer want to get in touch with you."
3. Use the broken record technique.
If our borders are defensive, we may get involved in circular and lengthy arguments. Your relatives could say:
"You can't tell me what to do!"
"You take this too seriously. Ease yourself."
"Show me the numbers. Prove it."
Remember: you don't have to justify your limit. You don't have to explain yourself, recite the latest statistics on police brutality, or address that person's heart that racism is really, really bad. Instead, try the broken record technique.
Created by Richard Lavoie, a national class management expert, the broken record technique is a simple but effective way to restore your boundaries without getting caught up in distracting arguments. To use this technique, simply repeat the same message three times, quietly, and yet securely – regardless of how the recipient responds.
Here is an example:
You: "Bob, I won't be talking to you if you are racist."
Bob: "Oh come on, let yourself go! You take this too seriously. "
You: "I will not take part in discussions with you if you are racist."
Bob: “Racist? That's ridiculous. Do you know what's really racist? Affirmative action. ”
You: "I will not take part in discussions with you if you are racist."
Bob: "Okay, whatever. I'm out of here. "
As you can see, repeating the same message calmly and confidently limits Bob's strength while maintaining your own mental and emotional energy.
4. Practice self-care after the border.
Especially when you are dealing with racism in your family for the first time, it can be particularly difficult to set these limits. It may feel like an enormous emotional change – and it is! You break a silence that you have held for months, years, or even decades, and that is serious emotional work.
After you set your limit, you may feel fear, guilt, or shame, even though you know intellectually that setting that limit was important and just. If you grew up in an environment where you were punished, injured, or neglected when you disagreed with a family member, learning the art of honest expression in the family is a radical act.
Self-sufficiency after the border helps you avoid burnout and replenish your resources so that you can continue to engage in anti-racist activities in your family and community.
Personally, after such a conversation, I really need rest. My nervous system is overloaded and frayed, and a nap or a cozy evening at home is an important way to get to my home. If I feel guilty, I contact a trusted friend who can affirm the justice of my border and keep me on track.
If we set limits to our racist relatives, we create personal zero tolerance zones in which we no longer participate in the racism of our relatives. It is difficult and demanding work, but it is absolutely necessary if we want to ally ourselves with the blacks who are fighting for their right to exist safely in this world.
About Hailey Magee
Hailey Magee is a certified Codependency Recovery Coach that helps individuals overcome the human-friendly pattern, set empowered boundaries, and master the art of telling the truth. She has worked with over 100 customers in the United States, France, Yemen, Ireland, South Africa and other countries. Sign up for a free 30-minute consultation to learn how coaching can lead you to live from a place of strength, authenticity, and inner peace. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit their website www.haileymagee.com.
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