"When you are lonely, when you are alone, you are in bad company." ~ Jean-Paul Sartre
I have spent most of my life surrounded by people, which is probably why I never realized that I was lonely. For most of my adult life, the only quiet times I had to myself were the beginning and the end of the day. Otherwise, my mind was flooded with chatter, notifications, and distractions.
This constant noise made me mask the depths of my loneliness. I was bombarded with texts and distractions at all times, but I lacked deeper connections. As the years went by and I got busier and busier, I found that I was actually taking steps to cut my time alone. I would watch TV until I fell asleep. I'd check my work email first thing in the morning.
In retrospect, the situation was obvious – I was afraid of being alone with my own thoughts – but at the time I just thought I was productive or just wasn't bored.
I only realized my problem when my laptop suddenly broke. On a cool afternoon, when I was curled up on the sofa ready for a new girl, it unexpectedly turned off and I was faced with my own reflection on the black screen. My phone was charged.
With no distractions, work, or social media to bother me, I suddenly realized that despite all my activities and invitations, I was deeply lonely. And that made me deeply miserable without even realizing it.
That afternoon I realized that I was afraid of being alone. I looked at my relationship with myself and found that it was missing.
The prospect of being stuck in my own company was so daunting for me that it made me act. I had gotten so good at filling my mind with gossip that I didn't know who I was when I was alone. I was definitely one of the many Americans who, according to a 2017 report by State of Mobile, spend more than five hours a day on their phones – never really alone, after all. But I didn't know how to start being less lonely.
I didn't just want to rely on others, so I made a plan to build my relationship with myself.
I then decided to take care of my deliberate alone time. First, I figured out when I had space to be with myself. Then I identified the times when I was having the hardest time being alone. Finally, I picked out the obstacles.
That left me with a solid three-point strategy: I had about three blocks of time during the day that I could mindfully have alone time. My mornings and evenings have been the hardest for me. And my phone was the main driver that kept me from my goals.
My plan was to have three sections of time to yourself: time for yourself, time for meditation, and time for something that doesn't involve a screen. But before I did any of this, I had to remove the biggest obstacle: my phone.
Although it kept me connected to the world, it kept me from developing a deeper relationship with myself. I noticed that I used it most in the mornings and evenings, so I invested in an old-fashioned alarm clock and went for a strict rule of not using screens after 9:00 pm.
Usually my morning started with staring at my phone notifications. Instead, I got up and took a fifteen-minute walk around my neighborhood. At first it was boring – I really wanted to be distracted. But the more I did, the more I was able to notice birds chirping, reflect on my plans for the day, unravel the confused feelings of the previous day, and look forward to my first cup of coffee.
I also worked in a five-minute meditation. At the time, meditation was new to me, so I figured five minutes would be short enough to get used to the habit. I quickly realized that I had to invest in an app to do guided meditation, which really helped me stay consistent and get real benefits from it.
Finally, I filled my evenings with reading and painting. Both activities are manual, which means I couldn't check my phone while doing them. I was able to rediscover my love for books, and while I'm not very good at painting, the process of creating tangible art has helped fill the void on the evenings I would normally reach for my phone.
Research shows that loneliness is detrimental to your physical and emotional wellbeing, but you don't necessarily have to look outside to heal your loneliness.
All of my habit changes pointed to one final conclusion: you cannot rely on others to feel better. Learning to agree to being alone was critical to my journey with me. You cannot start working on real relationships with others until you have a solid relationship with yourself.
It took a crucial moment for me to bring the reality of the situation home. From there, I had to actively work out time for myself – not just time without other people physically present, but also time without distractions, notifications, phone calls, or emails.
Time that was only mine.
Finally an optimization was necessary. I tried doing it on my phone but found it impossible so I removed it. I originally tried to walk for half an hour, but the time without equipment has been stressful for me. When I started meditation, I thought I could do it without an app, but found myself turning into negative thought patterns or falling asleep.
My point is, I didn't get it right on the first try. The most important thing for me was this moment of realization. From there, I could keep trying until I found methods that worked for me. The results have been amazing in the long run. I have a better picture of myself and have found that my relationships with others have improved.
Because I have made it my goal to feel my feelings instead of drowning them out in a blurring of notifications and escapes, I am overall more present and more self-confident than before, which helps me to accept myself and is centered. Nowadays, when things get rocky – and that happens as an inevitable part of reality – I can draw from my reserves and go with the flow.
It was uncomfortable, it was difficult, it was frustrating, but it was definitely worth it.
About April Klooster
April Klooster is a wellness coach dedicated to helping people lead healthy and fulfilling lives by developing the strength of their minds and bodies. She lives in Red Bank, New Jersey and works with clients around the world. You can reach her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/AprilKlooster
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