"I wish, when you are lonely or in the dark, I could show you the amazing light of your own being." ~ Hafiz of Shiraz
When we think of illness, we don't usually equate it with loneliness. However, there seems to be a great connection between the two conditions.
The fact is that we are most connected to our body when dealing with health challenges: We are one with ourselves. Even when we have thoughtful and caring family members in our inner circles, they can never really understand what we are experiencing on a physical, psychological, and spiritual level.
Illness is lonely, but loneliness is not just about being alone. it's a state of mind. To be lonely means to feel separate from the people around you, be it from an interpersonal or a universal perspective. Those who are lonely feel empty and drained.
For years I have been thinking about the connection between loneliness and illness. My reflections began in 2001 at the age of forty-seven when I had my first attack of cancer.
When I was raising three teenagers and doing a routine mammogram, I learned that I had an early-stage breast cancer called DCIS. I had the option of receiving radiation that would result in a badly deformed breast or having a mastectomy. I decided to take the last option. I thought it was better to live without a breast than to be badly deformed.
The shock of the diagnosis intensified my already complicated feelings about being an only child. My loneliness became deeper because my surgery was the week of September 11th. While the country mourned the terrible terrorist events, I mourned my chest. The presence of inner and outer grief increased my already intense feelings of loneliness.
I have selected the best surgeons in the country and my recovery from the operation has been very good. However, I struggled emotionally. No matter how many hugs my husband gave me and told me how beautiful I was, I couldn't get rid of the idea that part of my femininity had been removed – the part of me that fed my three amazing children.
Despite all the love around me, I felt a deep feeling of loneliness that I could not adequately describe or shake. What helped me the most was leveraging my lifelong journaling practice. My diary had always been my confidante and best friend, and its role became increasingly important during that time.
Fast forward to the present. I think of a good friend's experience of loneliness as she overcomes her health challenge (she has stage 3 lung cancer). If you met her you would think I want to be that woman – she has it all: a wonderfully devoted husband; many friends; a successful interior design business; and what appears to be a full, deeply spiritual life.
She works primarily in an upscale California community, bringing magic and joy to the homes of some of America's finest properties. Because she has such a magnetic personality, many people turn to her for love and support, but sometimes when life changes outside of our control we can no longer offer that type of support and we can only try to give ourselves helping yourself to stay afloat.
We all know how life can shift from one day to the next. What happened to my boyfriend over the course of two years was terrible.
In the early morning hours of January 2018, she lost her beautiful home in the Montecito mud avalanche disaster. The following year, she watched her mother's slow death from lung cancer. After being crushed by these two events, she got up and continued with her design projects.
Just when she thought that there could be no more terrible news, she was asked to deal with another life challenge – a cancer battle.
It all started at the end of her work day when she came home and told her husband that she felt weird but couldn't see why. They decided to visit the local emergency room, where an EKG was done. Doctors found that the lower part of her heart was not working.
The end result was that she was told she needed a pacemaker, but in preparation she had a chest x-ray which showed a large mass on one of her lungs. The first priority was to treat her heart problem and then deal with the lung mass, which turned out to be malignant. Chemotherapy and radiation followed.
Under normal circumstances this story is terrifying, but in this particular case the terror was compounded when her mother recently died of the same disease and was in the middle of a pandemic. My friend's own health sparked memories of the last few months of her mother's life and her slow deterioration in hospice care.
Like me and others who have been on a cancer journey, my friend ponders the fragility of her life – but she is often overcome by a deep sense of loneliness and sadness.
It has been said that there is a "cancer personality". Those who are generous, loving, and tend to keep their feelings within themselves are more prone to the disease. My friend asked me if I was scared when I got my breast cancer diagnosis. I told her there was fear, but my overwhelming feelings were that of loneliness.
"Having cancer was the loneliest experience of my life," I told her.
"Oh thank you for telling me," she said. “I felt it myself and wondered if it was normal. It makes me relieved to hear that you felt the same way. "
When I found out about my friend's health challenges, I was reminded again how lonely illness can be.
I thought back to the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The message was given to me through a speakerphone in the office that my husband and I shared when we were seated next to each other. He hugged me tightly as I looked at the black and white photos of my three children on the wall and wondered how their lives would change if they lost their mother.
I was glad that my husband listened carefully to the doctor's words as I was alone in my thoughts – thoughts that I could only express in puddles of tears. A deep feeling of sadness permeated my being. Knowing that something cancerous is growing inside your body is daunting.
No matter how many hugs my husband and children gave me, I couldn't get rid of my deep feeling of being alone. Even when I write this article, I feel alone. I never wanted to join cancer groups, which may have helped dispel my feelings of loneliness. I had a feeling that it could be exhausting to absorb other people's stories. As an empath, it would drain me and I needed space for my own healing.
The fact is that we live in very lonely times even without illness. Social media and video calling have now replaced face-to-face human interaction, and in many ways loneliness has become an even more common epidemic, even for those who aren't battling cancer.
Whether it is health issues or the isolation associated with quarantine as a result of the pandemic, loneliness is a serious mental health issue. Studies have shown that loneliness can shorten your lifespan by 26 percent, make you more prone to depression, decrease immune function, and put stress on the cardiovascular system.
According to Mayra Mendez, a psychologist in Santa Monica, California, the most helpful thing about loneliness is knowing that it is not something that is happening to you. It's something that you can control. She says it's important to find new and creative ways to deal with loneliness and connect with others, by whatever means.
Ways to deal with loneliness
Video chat with friends or loved ones who may also feel lonely but feel too scared to admit it.
Write a letter to someone you care about and let them know what you are going through, share your feelings and ask them what is going on in their life.
Pick up a new hobby so you can meet like-minded people. It's much easier to develop a deep bond when we bond through shared passions.
Take an online course to interact with people with similar interests.
Learn a new language so you can connect with more people.
Play digital word games with new friends. We don't always need deep conversations to alleviate our loneliness. Sometimes it just helps to have fun with someone else.
Make friends with a book.
Let us never forget: We are born alone and die alone. But in between we can do a lot to nourish our souls.
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