“If we counted out the people for the slightest sin, we wouldn't need long to to achieve that Life. Because being social means forgiving. "~ Robert Frost
When you think of forgiveness two things may come to mind.
The many spiritual healers and gurus who will speak about its meaning, including but not limited to Buddha quotes.
And the person you think you will never forgive.
Forgiveness has a largely religious or spiritual connotation.
In Buddhist teachings, resentment is compared to clinging to hot coal, as it only results in you being burned. In Hinduism, the Vedas associate resentment with carrying a bag of negative memories and feelings, leading to anger and unresolved emotions that affect the present and the future. In Christianity, mercy is shown only to those who practice forgiveness when others have sinned against them.
Ironically, what comes least to mind is the state of your actual brain when confronted with the puzzle of forgiveness.
It is only recently that the scientific community has begun to study the effects of forgiveness from a neurological point of view.
A large number of studies have found links between the daily practice of forgiveness and improved mental and physical health.
In addition to lowering blood pressure, heart rate and general stress, it has been scientifically proven that the act of forgiveness improves sleep and reduces fatigue.
Rarely has a topic received approval from both the scientific and religious communities. The results of these studies, along with several others, fit perfectly with what many spiritual leaders and religious doctrines have concluded about forgiveness.
The psychologist Charlotte Witvliet carried out such a study and asked her patients to remember an old grudge.
She found that they not only affected the bitterness mentally, but also physically. Her blood pressure and heart rate increased, causing an increase in anxiety. Thinking about a past betrayal was stressful, uncomfortable, and anxious.
The only way out, says Dr. Frederic Luskin, co-founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, is through forgiveness.
Your brain has an indicator of happiness called the nucleus accumbens. Throughout your life, your fortune meter can jump back and forth on a scale from one to ten – ten is the happiest.
While you go about your daily routine (breakfast, work, social activities), the nucleus accumbens sends messages to the amygdala – the pleasure center of the brain – in order to stimulate it when something pleasant happens (e.g. a good meal) or stimulate it negatively when something unpleasant happens (from minor violations and minor disagreements to major fights and bad arguments).
As humans, we have two options for how we react to negative interactions and experiences.
In our misery we can either think about the boss who fired us, or the roommate who betrayed our trust, or we can choose to let it go.
It is natural for us to think. That’s the easiest for us. What we fail to realize is that the very name or reference to the ruminating offense can provoke a reaction in our nervous system. The amygdala is activated in 27 seconds and releases cortisol, the stress hormone. The same reaction you would have if you were followed by a wild animal.
These hormones stay in your system for a few hours until they are metabolized. Frequent activation of these pain sensors lowers serotonin levels and can even lead to depression.
On the other hand, letting go of the emotions or forgiving them drains the strength of the situation and releases dopamine in the brain.
For a while I was one of the few who couldn't have a positive influence on the practice of forgiveness.
Despite my best efforts, I could not let go of a deep betrayal by a close friend and roommate who had caused traumatic events in my life through derogatory rumors, lies and homophobic comments.
In view of the past, I practiced what Dr. Luskin describes it as "decision forgiveness". I consciously forgive my abuser without letting go of the emotions associated with the event.
For years I told myself that I had let go of these memories, but I never let go of the sting associated with them. This led to a temporary decrease in hostility. It wasn't until much later that I realized that I was living my present life through the lens of the past, filling reality with events from my betrayal.
When this option is not checked, these frequent reminders of our betrayal / past pain can lead to the incident becoming part of our identities.
Instead, Dr. Luskin suggests “forgiving emotionally”. This would require letting go of the bitterness, losing their perception of the crime, and leaving them in the past.
In most cases it is only emotional forgiveness that changes personal life and mental health permanently.
Emotional forgiveness is troublesome for many, mainly due to the relentless desire to hold the perpetrator accountable for what he has done. We are hardwired to seek vengeance or justice and we misunderstand it as the only thing that brings us peace.
Forgiveness gathers the narrative that the person "got away with the crime".
The real crime, however, is the fact that the resentment lives on in you for months or years and festers in your psyche. The proverbial poison that you drink and expect your abuser to die.
Assessing your harm and releasing your long-held resentment has nothing to do with your perpetrator and therefore does not require that you reconcile with him. Real forgiveness doesn't require two people. It just requires that you divert your attention from your abuser, simply because energy flows where the attention goes.
Emotional forgiveness takes three steps.
Grieve
This happens when we openly recognize the pain we are feeling. Reflect instead of react. Learn from the experience rather than writing it off through guilt. Sometimes it takes months just to draw attention to the "scourge elephant" in the room.
Empathize
An essential part of emotional forgiveness, difficult as it may be, is to develop empathy or compassion for the perpetrator. I am mostly reminded of the phrase, "Hurt people, hurt people". It is almost circular and denotes a balance. It comforts me to know that we are all in this eternal cycle in which we pass on our personal pain to another.
The only way to break this cycle is something that our ego strongly resists. Empathy. Putting yourself in the perpetrator's shoes and asking why he could have done what he did can help. This does not justify their actions. instead, it satisfies the mind's need to understand. As Neale Donald Walsh writes: "In the Master's opinion, understanding replaces forgiveness."
When you understand you realize that everyone, despite their best efforts, is a slave to their conditioned past.
When you understand you realize that a person's actions are hardly their own and they have reacted as their ego knew.
If you understand, you will notice how often you may have reacted best, as your ego can.
Let go
The final act requires that you detach the appendix from your story and keep the memory and teachings of the incident without the negative emotion that comes with the memory.
This can be difficult as memories are always better conjured up if you remember how they felt.
When you let go of the negative emotion, you may be able to look at the incident from the outside. An image without a fog of emotions provides more clarity. You may find that viewing a memory without the bitter emotions associated with it leads to insight and wisdom.
By letting go one can bow to the past without being tied to it. The next time you are faced with forgiveness, don't think about the person who hurt you. instead you think of yourself.
When neuroanatomist Jill Bolte Taylor had a stroke at age thirty-seven, she was tasked with rewiring her entire brain from scratch, including relearning to read and write. Even so, she felt happier after the stroke because she said, "I couldn't remember who to be mad at."
About Aashna Sanghvi
Aashna is a 24-year-old writer from India. She focuses on writing articles on global politics and now dares to write on spirituality and philosophy. Aashna has a degree in business administration and is hoping to write a book on personal growth / healing and self-help. She also enjoys diving and mindfulness meditations.
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