“You cannot create a conscious relationship with someone who is not committed to their work. But you can build a better relationship with yourself, and sometimes it looks like breaking away from the idea that you can change another person or convince them to grow. Choose yourself. "~ Sheleana Aiyana
What are the ingredients that will keep a loving romantic relationship flowing and sustained for many years? And what kind of love / relationship is best for long-term success?
These questions have been at the center of my personal and professional activities for several years, and given the high divorce rate, these questions are in the foreground for most of our minds. When I fell in love last year, I knew I was going on a transformation journey.
I met a woman. And for the first time in my life I thought I had met "one".
I had never had such feelings or thoughts before, at least not to the extent that I experienced them at that time. It was that passionate, physical, chemical, soul-bound kind of love. But over the months there have been disagreements, arguments, different views and perspectives on many issues, as well as old habits and uncertainties that have affected our ability to establish the relationship we both claimed we wanted.
After less than a year we came to the existential crossroads at which every couple before us navigated in the history of mankind in their romantic relationship at one point or another:
Do we blame the other for how we feel and what we experience, we call it ending and going on because it is too difficult and difficult to face all of this?
Or …
Are We Fighting For It? Do we work for it? Do we jointly take responsibility for our individual life experience – and do we encounter all wounds from childhood and previous relationships that are projected into this relationship and triggered by it – in the container of this relationship so that we can come out stronger and healed together?
Ultimately, after a month or two of mutual and not mutual, "We are in and we are out" I wholeheartedly chose the former and suggested while my partner chose the latter.
While I was clearly broken, frustrated, and angry, I also found real compassion for her and her decision. The work, energy and courage required to face inner pain and trauma for a lifetime are immense. It's far less work to just hold past and present others responsible for how we feel and experience life.
It is the type of mirror that only this type of relationship can offer, and it can sometimes be absolutely terrifying. Although I felt the situation was a nice chance to heal and grow together, I understood where she was in her healing process and how she perceived the situation, and why she decided to leave.
But at that point, I realized the difference between a healthier long-term relationship that lasts and the healthier or shorter-lived relationships that don't.
Relationships of any kind, especially intimate and romantic, are not a small undertaking. We come together with completely different life experiences, upbringing, personalities, backgrounds, cultures, beliefs, wishes, wishes, needs, trauma, attachment patterns, etc. And for some crazy reason, we expect everything to flow and love to flow naturally, or we may think our partner is the wrong person if it doesn't.
I think relationships are inherently complex:
From the soul's perspective, we have our karmic energy to exercise and learn deep life to learn from our partners and relationships.
From a biopsychosocial perspective, we have hormones and chemicals associated with a history of attachment schemes from our childhood caregivers.
From a physical point of view, we have sexual desires, needs, desires, fantasies and blockages.
From an emotional point of view, we all have male and female energies within us that demand love, intimacy, freedom, expression, security and polarity. And we can also throw in different love languages.
For this reason, romantic relationships with the right basic ingredients may be one of the greatest containers for challenge, growth, healing, and unconditional love that we can experience as human beings. They are amazing mirrors for our edges and our trauma at the deepest levels, due to the complex processes that take place at all times. They offer a constant opportunity to heal and to be healed.
The question is, will we choose to recognize these edges, patterns and wounds, and if so, what will we do with this awareness?
Behind the complexity and at the core of it all, I learned that building and maintaining a lasting, healthy romantic relationship does not depend on having everything in common or seeing everything at eye level. In essence, the relationship between both partners must be anchored in a foundation of awareness and love.
So what is a conscious relationship? What does that mean?
Both partners agree to commit themselves and to unite in love by being open and conscious enough to recognize their individual habits and the trauma triggered by each other. And they stand face to face as a team so that they can heal individually and thus be more aware and capable of how they bring love, intimacy, depth and beyond to one another at a certain moment.
The 5 pillars of a lasting, love-filled, conscious relationship
1. You have to be the right person.
We can spend the whole day discussing what this means objectively in relation to the above-mentioned aspects, but we all know that when we are with someone we cannot keep our hands from, we think about it all the time after, we visualize a future with, and we just can't imagine not being by our side. Simply put, we are in love and we know it.
Important to note: This means that we must also be aware of our own unhealthy patterns in partners, what is healthy for us and who / what is unhealthy for us. If you feel that you are the wrong person or "something is just missing" and you cannot put your finger on it, you need to look at your attachment patterns and wounds in the mirror before blaming them for their shortcomings.
If you really did and feel that it doesn't need to be cured or worked through personally, it probably means that you are simply not the right partner for you. Even if they check lots of boxes on paper and you love them very much.
Ultimately, you have to trust your heart and your higher self, even if it doesn't make sense logically. But out of love for God, don't trust your ego or your patterns. It's really easy to confuse the two.
2. You don't have to have everything in common and like all the same things.
If you do not like all the same things or are the same person, you are asked to leave your comfort zone consistently. This is a nice opportunity to explore yourself, explore your partner, challenge yourself and try new things in the world that you would never have tried otherwise. And research shows that this adventurous mentality keeps the spark alive. So be different. Differences can actually be better for the relationship.
3. You don't have to be on the same level of growth and personal development.
We weren't. However, both partners must be open and determined to do everything to be individually a healthier and healed partner. And it's probably easier or more difficult for a partner and less or more natural. Nevertheless, it is a crucial conscious decision.
4. You don't have to be perfect in the relationship or in the perfect relationship.
You don't have to be the perfect dream partner and you healed all your things, and neither did your partner.
I was not perfect in the relationship and neither was she. I was not completely healed and neither was she. But I realized that it doesn't matter. What mattered was how consistently and consciously we questioned our beliefs, perceptions and patterns, and tried to be better and do better out of love and respect for each other and the relationship. That brings me to the last and most important cornerstone number five…
5. Both partners must be equally obliged to consider themselves primarily.
You must be ready to do anything to become more aware of the projections, wounds, and traumas that limit the amount of love, intimacy, and healing energy that they bring in each moment and relationship as a relationship.
Then, from this conscious space, they must engage in work as a couple to heal and grow together while remaining deeply committed and committed to the container of the relationship. Simply put, both have to want it and be willing to do what it takes. Here we really broke down as a couple.
Ultimately, every romantic relationship and every interaction and every moment with another person is an opportunity to heal one another or to continue to hurt one another.
We can consciously choose courage, humility and a deep commitment to love and the circle of the relationship by remaining frank and expressing and possessing our pain in the wounds caused. or we can crouch and accuse others and situations, close our hearts, say and do hurtful things and run away – just continue the cycle of wounds and traumas and ensure the same relationship patterns with new partners that we bring into our lives
It is also extremely important to note that not everyone is ready for this type of conscious relationship. Frankly, most people are not. And that's why the majority of relationships and marriages that could last aren't.
You may not be ready or your partner may not be. You can try to get on the same basis, but if someone you love is just not in that conscious space or is unwilling to at least try to do the actual work and take responsibility for their experience, they to exaggerate and over becomes abusive. And that was something I had to recognize in my relationship and make peace with.
No matter how hard it is to accept because we love them so much, we need to know when it is time to release someone and wish them all the best on their own unique healing journey.
We need to know when to move away from someone who is unable or unwilling to invest work and effort at this point in their journey to build a healthy, conscious relationship and heal at that level.
And although it will be one of the most difficult things to let this person go – it was for me – it is the only healthy and loving decision you can make in this situation. For you and for them.
We need to keep the faith and know that someone who is just as amazing is willing to do the job and be a conscious and dedicated partner will eventually come into our lives. I really believe that this will happen to me and everyone on the planet who wants it as long as we commit to becoming more conscious, loving and doing our own deep inner work.
About Jeremy Scott Lambert
Jeremy Scott Lambert is a coach + psychotherapist who works with couples and individuals around the world. He has a passion for helping people build conscious relationships and their best lives. Check him out on JeremyScottLambert.com.
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