"Forgive yourself for not knowing what you did not know before you lived it through. Honor your way. Trust your journey. Learn, grow, develop, become." ~ Creig Crippen
When I was a child, my immediate reaction to most things was " I'm sorry."
Did I have to miss class because of an excursion for another class? I'm so sorry.
Did something bad happen to someone I knew? I'm so sorry.
It didn't matter what the situation was or whether I caused it directly or whether I was involved in it in any way. Oddly enough, even in the best of situations, I'd find a way to apologize. I apologized for everything.
I probably apologized a hundred times a day (even in good situations). It was so much a part of me that when I was about ten my parents put a stuffed animal on me with a " I'm sorry" T-shirt.
I know you meant it with the best of intentions. We all thought it was pretty funny. I proudly showed it.
Little did I know then that people did bad things for which they had to apologize; I just thought it was a personality trait that I had. I couldn't understand why anyone would make a stuffed animal with a t-shirt like this (to actually apologize for something) except for someone like me.
As I got older, I didn't stop apologizing. It became a part of me deep down and over the years I took the blame for all sorts of things that were not only not my fault, but had nothing to do with me. It wasn't until I started to develop personally that I realized that this bad habit needed to go away.
I attended workshops, hired trainers and found some amazing leaders who help people break free and get what they want in life. They always made us process feelings from our past like anger, sadness, etc., and I knew that I really wasn't holding much anger inside of me.
I'm sure I've had normal levels of sadness and all the other negative emotions that you really don't want to hold onto when you can let go of them. But I worked through them and didn't see all of these groundbreaking changes that everyone else kept finding.
In my thirties I heard a Louise Hay meditation in which she said, " Guilt always seeks punishment," and this is why those of us feel guilty (especially about things that are nothing to do with us) don't always allow us to break through and let go.
I knew right away that I had to find a way to stop the excessive apology. To say " I'm sorry" when you're wrong or when something terrible happens is not a bad thing. It is the excessive apologizing and holding that guilt within yourself that can cause a number of problems.
I started to find other ways to say, " I'm sorry," and the best approach I've come up with is to replace apologies with gratitude.
This immediately changes our focus. It helps us to redesign the whole situation, to free ourselves from worries, fears and feelings of guilt and to develop a new perspective. As Kristin Armstrong beautifully said, " When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love pours in."
Although I hate to be late, I realize that if I'm a few minutes late for an appointment, it's really not the end of the world. The other person (or people) probably won't hold it against me for the rest of my life (as I could if I held onto that guilt). So I learned to say, “ Thank you for waiting. I know your time is valuable and I value it. “And then I'll try to do better next time.
When I have a conflict and can't make it to a friend's party or get-together instead of wrestling with it and thinking about it over and over and feeling terrible, I say, ”[ Thank you for inviting me. I would really love to be there, but I have a prior commitment. "I find gratitude in the fact that they invited me in the first place, instead of being guilty of not being able to be in two places at the same time.
When I disappoint someone, I really look inside to see if there is anything I could have done better. I remember being true to my beliefs too, and unfortunately sometimes that means disappointing others. I do my best and work to do better next time.
If I realize that I could have done something better, I can still apologize. It's not like I'll never apologize again if I work to stop apologizing. But it's not a gut reaction, it's not an instant reaction, and I think it's good to look back at the situation and really understand it. That way I can learn from it and keep doing better.
If you apologize too much, you can hold on to guilt longer than necessary. It should never be a first reaction or an intestinal reaction.
Apologize when you really feel regret and remorse in your heart and forgive yourself the rest. If you can find other ways to " I'm sorry" when a situation really is no excuse justifies it, it eases your stress, eases your worries, and allows you to focus on other things. Learn, grow, develop, become.
About Amy Kerman-Gutzmer
Amy Kerman-Gutzmer has been teaching yoga, meditation and mindfulness for over ten years. She has dealt intensively with energy healing, yoga, mindset and principles of success and combines her knowledge and love of these principles as a moderator at various events and workshops. She runs the online studio Everyday Yoga Escape, Inc. You can find her on her website EverydayYogaEscape.com or on Facebook, Instagram or YouTube.
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
