"You've been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try to approve of yourself and see what happens." ~ Louise L. Hay
For years I dreamed of starting my own business. Exactly ten years.
While there are a few reasons why it took so long to take the plunge, postponement is high on the list.
It is hard work switching careers, uncomfortable leaving a steady paycheck, and nerve-wracking to think about failure.
Even after months and years of learning, studying and getting certified, when it was no longer a question of having the skills, the uncertainty about success was enough to keep the can in forcing the knees and marketing myself.
I was afraid of failure. I was afraid of not being perfect. I was scared that people would think I was joking. And I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to do all of the work involved.
So I dragged my feet and passed my work on to "Future Me".
However, I've done that for everything.
"Tomorrow Sandy" can do the washing up. She takes care of planning the doctor's appointment. Oh, and sign her up for the tough talk I have to have with my mom too.
At some point I realized that I often hesitated because I needed everything to be perfect.
I wouldn't be working on a craft project or cooking a new recipe if I didn't know it would come out flawlessly.
Or I would tweak projects at work down to the last second and beyond to get more work done.
Or I would agonize over every text and email I sent, often choosing not to send a message unless I knew exactly what to say.
But as you can see, I am far from this version of myself.
I've since started my own business (and I love it!) And I've put my best tools on paper so as not to hesitate any longer – although I actually hesitated while writing this post (ironically, I know!).
Today, my fear of "good enough" didn't stop me from sharing actual, helpful advice and rethinking to get moving and not get stuck.
Because if we get stuck, we tell each other stories. So here we start. With this story we tell ourselves why we hesitate.
What we consider postponement is
We have this misconception that procrastination is laziness.
But procrastination is an active process. You are choosing something other than the task that you know you should be doing.
In contrast, laziness doesn't care. It is apathy, inactivity and unwillingness to act. It's a kind of "I could, I just don't want to" attitude.
But when you hesitate, you feel even more stressed out about worrying about getting the job done. You're just avoiding stress and struggling with motivation.
Because that's why we hesitate.
What procrastination really is and why we do it
Procrastination is a technique for avoiding stress. It is an active process to temporarily avoid discomfort.
We unconsciously say: "Present Me is not ready to experience this discomfort, so I will pass it on to Future Me."
(We do this as if we were asking a stranger to do the work for us. Researchers have seen at fMRI that when we think about our future selves it illuminates the same part of the brain as when we think about strangers .)
The really cool news is that by overcoming your procrastination habit, you will strengthen your general resilience to adversity.
This is how I define resilience: the willingness to feel discomfort.
Examples of postponement
Postponement is difficult. Sometimes it's obvious that we are. Sometimes we don't quite realize it (for example, when I had to water the plants right away instead of writing this blog post).
Here are some examples:
Instead of starting with important tasks, scroll through Instagram
Postpone work orders until the last minute
You want to start a new positive habit (dieting, exercising, or saving money) but repeatedly delaying it while telling yourself, "I'll start soon."
You want to start a business but waste time in "research mode" instead of taking action
Do a simple, less important task that “needs to be done” before you begin
Wait until you are "in the mood" to get the job done
5 steps to end the hesitation
Now that we know what it is and why we are doing it, let's see how we can stop.
1. Motivate yourself with kindness instead of criticism.
What really keeps us from moving forward is the language we use when we talk to ourselves.
Thoughts like:
I do not want.
It will be difficult.
I don't know how to do it.
It might not turn out as well as I want it to.
I will probably fail.
It's getting so boring.
This is what we think, what makes us hesitate. I mean, when you read these thoughts, they just feel so demotivating, don't they?
This negative self-talk has a good intention. It tries to keep us from discomfort.
Unfortunately, the opposite is achieved because it increases stress by making us feel bad.
If you talk to yourself with kindness, just like you would to a friend, it will feel so much more motivating.
So think about what you would say to this friend. It could sound like:
I understand it will be uncomfortable but you will be done soon and then you can relax.
Once you start it will be easier.
You can do it!!
If it doesn't turn out perfectly, at least you've practiced more.
If you fail, you have learned so much.
2. Create a pattern breaker.
This negative self-talk has simply become part of your procrastination habit.
Because this is what procrastination becomes – a habit – and habits consist of a cue, a routine and a reward.
The keyword is thinking about a task that needs to be done.
The routine is to speak the negative self-talk that leads to procrastination.
The reward is less stress. (Don't stress, as avoiding the task is still a little stressful because we know it has to be done at some point.)
To break the habit and create a new one, you need to introduce a pattern breaker.
Mel Robbins has a great one she calls the 5 second rule. If you think "I should do this" before the negative self-talk begins, count backwards "5-4-3-2-1-GO" and move on.
I find this helpful when I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
When I am having trouble getting motivated to do something difficult, like post about procrastination, my pattern breaker is "I can do hard things". Not only do I break the pattern, I also motivate myself positively.
When I have trouble completing a boring and tedious task like my taxes, I use something like "I'm willing to be uncomfortable now so that Future Me can be at peace."
3. Break up the task.
One of the great drivers of procrastination is overwhelmed. Overwhelming occurs when we look at a project in its entirety, either not knowing where to start, or when we feel that all of the work involved is too much.
If the next task is too big, or if you don't know where to start, your first task is to either 1) make a list, or 2) figure out the smallest thing you can do first.
The whole house is a mess? I bet you know where that one sock goes!
Another example, I had social anxiety and going to the gym was overwhelming for me.
So I split it up into:
I just have to put sportswear in my car, that's it.
I just have to go to the gym. I can turn around if I want when I'm there.
I just have to go through the door. I can always go.
I just have to change in the locker room, I can.
To be honest, I never turned around and went home. Because once I took the small, easy step, the next small, easy step was doable.
What leads me to the next step …
4. Just set five minutes.
Studies show that if we only commit ourselves to five minutes, 80 percent of us are likely to continue the task.
Five minutes is nothing. You can do anything for five minutes.
There is an 80 percent chance that you will continue working after these five minutes, but even if you don't, you are five minutes closer to your goal.
And you took one more step to break the old habit of not starting.
It's a great win-win situation!
5. Reward yourself or make the task more enjoyable.
Another problem with looking at a large task in scope instead of the next five minutes is that the reward is too far away or not satisfactory enough.
If you are trying to lose weight, 20 pounds are weeks and months away.
Or if you postpone your taxes and expect no return, the reward becomes "not jailed".
So if you bring in more rewards sooner, this will quickly lead to a new getting started habit.
But even if the task itself becomes more pleasant, it becomes less monotonous.
To write this post, I pulled on my softest bathrobe and reached for my baby's bathtub when he was a kid to take an Epsom salt foot bath under my desk while I was writing.
I will be starting my taxes in the next few weeks and I already plan to have a glass of wine and super fancy cheese and crackers while I sit down to make them.
I save myself listening to super nostalgic music from the nineties when I'm training so that this time is special and fun.
What would open up for you if you stopped hesitating?
We spend so much more time avoiding the inconvenience of a task than we do with what it will be like when the task is completed.
If you stopped hesitating, what would your life open up?
Would you start your business because you are no longer afraid of feeling uncomfortable if you “fail”?
Would you just enjoy life more if you weren't in a constant state of stress because of a list of things you are putting off?
Would you finally lose weight or get in shape and feel great if you put yourself through to get started?
The end result
Procrastination is an active process to avoid temporary discomfort (it is not laziness!).
By overcoming your procrastination habit, you build up your emotional resilience.
Note the negative, demotivating self-talk and motivate yourself with friendliness through criticism.
Create a pattern breaker before the negative self-talk gets on you.
Stick to just five minutes and you'll either keep going or be at least five minutes closer.
Reward yourself or make the task more enjoyable so that you avoid less discomfort.
About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy is a former anxiety-ridden and insomnia coach. She helps career-oriented women and working mothers to cope with their stress and anxiety, to motivate themselves with kindness instead of criticism, to face life's challenges with graceful resilience and to really enjoy life without all these unnecessary worries. Her coaching and her free resources like the Stress Detox Mini Course help women regain control of their lives to live more fully and freely.
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
