"Sometimes even life is an act of courage." ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca
When I was twenty-four, my best friend suddenly died in a car accident. She was like a sister to me, so it plunged me into a deep depression. I have been struggling with depression since I was about fourteen, but it got a lot worse after she died.
Sometimes honestly, suicide seemed the best possible solution to what I thought would be another fifty years of sadness. I wasn't depressed every day and there were weeks and months when things looked better. But the depression always seemed to come back and worn me down.
Despair
In Andrew Solomon's book The Noonday Demon, he states that it is easier to convince a schizophrenic that their delusions are not real than to convince a depressed and suicidal person that life is worth living.
"With depression, you don't think that you have put on a gray veil and see the world through the haze of a bad mood. You think that the veil has been removed, the veil of happiness, and that you really see now."
That sums up exactly how I felt. I needed others to have hope for myself when I didn't have one. I was lucky enough to have a great network of family members, friends and professionals. I had a doctor and an amazing therapist who helped me a lot.
I read everything I could know about depression and went to see people who went through similar things. I felt less alone to speak openly about the darkness I was experiencing. I longed for authenticity. The support I received kept me alive and gradually I started to heal.
Hope
As of this writing, I have not been clinically depressed for two years. I am blessed with so much love, purpose and happiness. If I had ended my life at that time, I would never have met my great partner, would have become a consultant or would have seen my nieces grow up.
I could not skip these painful years, but I wish I knew that everything would be fine, that I could recover and that life could be worth living. What I'm saying is give time a chance to heal you, give life a chance to get better. You will have to fight for it, but it can happen.
Hope is such a powerful thing, and suicide is the ultimate state of hopelessness. If you associate yourself with the hopelessness of a suicide but can also hold and communicate your hope for him, this is a great gift. They may not thank you at the time, but one day they could. It could be what brings her through the night.
The secret we keep
Suicide is far more common than you think. Every fifth person thinks that at some point in their lives they no longer want to be alive, but it is socially unacceptable to admit this. We walk around and think we're the only ones and have to be totally crazy if someone else next to us thinks the same thing.
It makes sense for our brain to look for ways out of suffering, especially if we feel that we are a burden to others because of our suffering. Usually we can dismiss this as a bad idea, as an extreme and permanent solution to our problems.
But what if the suffering does not seem to end? What if the pain goes on and you can't take it anymore?
The one you leave behind
If you are deeply depressed, you may think that the only way to end your suffering is to end your life, but you are really only passing it on to the people you know and love. It is estimated that fifteen to thirty people are severely affected by each person's suicide. You have questions about "What did I do wrong?" "What have I missed?" "What could I have done?" The people who are left behind are also at higher risk of suicide.
It is painful to hear when you are desperately trying to escape. I don't want to blame anyone. But instead of passing this pain on to others, you could try to turn it into something positive. Even if that's just your own recovery and survival.
Some of the greatest creatives and altruists are people who have known deep pain. It was their experiences that prepared them and enabled them to do something good in the world. We'll all die someday. So if you do nothing else in this life, do your best with all the years that life gives you.
grief
I was at a conference recently and the moderator, a therapist who specializes in working with people who are suicidal, told a story. She was walking down the street when a woman stepped into the traffic almost accidentally. The therapist was too far away to grab the lady and instead shouted "Don't leave us!"
This story brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me of the loss people feel when they lose someone, especially through suicide. I think of the pain I felt when my best friend died, of absolute grief, and then I imagine how much worse it would have been if she had died from suicide. I'm so glad I didn't do it successfully to my family.
Security Planning
I suspect many are currently feeling suicidal because we were all isolated, some with mental health problems and without support. others trapped with their abusers; others still feel overwhelmed by the financial struggle. If you felt suicidal, the first thing I would suggest is telling someone. It could be a friend, family member, therapist, or hotline.
I know this can be scary. They may fear they think you are crazy or take you to the hospital. I can't say for sure what will happen, but I can say that if you choose someone who is good, they will most likely ask you some questions and try to work out a plan to protect you while you feel that way.
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Understand what you think and feel. There is a big difference between feeling like you sometimes don't want to be alive and planning to end your life. It's all important and it's okay to talk about it. If the first person doesn't respond well, that's fine. tell someone else. There are good people out there.
Maybe you read this and think that if you died and your family didn't miss you, nobody would care. Well someone would. Maybe someone you haven't even met. Someone who will never get to know a person like you. They are completely unique and nobody can replace you. Please don't leave us.
About Ella
Ella is a social worker who is passionate about mental health. She loves to write, hike and watch films. You can read more of her work on her Mind Balance Café blog.
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