“Loving means risking not being loved for it. Hope means risking pain. Trying is risking failure. But the risk has to be taken because the biggest danger in my life is not to risk anything. "~ Leo Buscaglia
It was the day after my friend suggested and I felt sick with fear. I couldn't understand this feeling. I loved my friend; we lived together and I didn't want to part with him, why was I so worried?
I googled furiously in search of answers. I was concerned that this was a sign that the relationship was not "right" and it made me feel even more anxious. I was worried that it was my gut feeling to speak to me and I would regret not listening. But there was another part of me that didn't want to leave the relationship. It was very confusing.
"Maybe I'm just scared of being alone," I thought.
However, as someone with a tendency to fear, I also wondered if this was just another expression of it. Finally, after about a month of sleepless nights, worries, and googling, I came across a forum that mentioned ROCD or anxiety.
What is ROCD?
"Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of OCD in which the sufferer has intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts about the strength, quality and" true nature "of his or her love for his partner. Obsessions at ROCD involve dealing with the adequacy of a partner as a partner, the general level of attractiveness, sexual desire or long-term compatibility and often occur in otherwise completely healthy relationships. “(Center for Obsessive Compulsive Disorders in Los Angeles)
It gave me a great feeling of relief to know that what I was experiencing was actually fear and I didn't have to leave my beautiful fiancee.
I took a relationship anxiety course and it was a tremendous help for me. I have learned so much about myself and can now enjoy my relationship again. I want to share what I have learned in the hope that it will help someone else.
The difference between fear and gut feeling
My main concern before and after learning ROCD was: "What if this is actually my gut feeling that tells me I have to go?" This is a scary question that is very common in ROCD patients. There is also no definitive way to answer this question, which is frustrating. Fear hates insecurity.
One thing that helped me was to remember that I've been obsessed with many things for most of my life. For example, when I was single, I wanted to know with absolute certainty that one day I would meet someone and be happily married. I would calm down with friends and family and worry endlessly. This fear felt similar.
If I had worried unnecessarily in the past, it would be obvious that I could do the same in my relationship.
fear of conflict
The interesting thing about healing relationship anxiety is that it seems to uncover different wounds for different people. This way it can be a gift because it triggers a lot of self-discovery and growth.
For me, it exposed the fear of conflict and lost me.
When I was growing up, I felt I had to put my feelings aside to "keep the peace". As a result, my adult relationships sometimes feel like a choice between losing the person I love and losing myself. I had to learn that conflict can be healthy; it doesn't mean that a relationship is not right.
I used to find it difficult to express my opinions and needs in my relationship. I had to test the assumption that conflicts are uncertain.
Fortunately, I have found that the opposite is the case. You cannot have a healthy relationship without conflict. My partner has a strong opinion, he doesn't let me off the hook so easily and we are very different in some ways, but I never felt insecure when we were debating a topic.
Without conflict we are either not honest or sacrifice our needs, which can lead to the feeling of losing oneself.
Fear of making the "wrong choice"
I love my parents and I know they did their best, but there are things about their relationship that I don't want to repeat in my own.
Relationship anxiety is often related to the first relationship we were exposed to. There are a variety of things that we might have seen in our parents' relationship: domestic violence, infidelity, divorce, abandonment. It's easy to become hypervigilant if you don't repeat our parents' mistakes, at least if we notice them. Add to that the idea of "the one" and our fear of missing something or "settling down" and we have a recipe for fear of relationships.
Sometimes when my partner says something insensitive or we see things differently, I'm still worried. But I can see that I am triggered and stabilize again. Sometimes it's about talking to him about it. But often I just have to take some time to process the emotions, to see what has been triggered in my past, and to calm myself down.
Recognizing your specific sensitivity areas can help you distinguish between doubts about your partner and old wounds triggered.
Unhelpful beliefs about love
Our culture's ideas about love are very unhelpful. We grew up in Hollywood films that show love as passion, desire and finding “the one”. This is not a fair reflection of everyday love for someone.
Sometimes we feel in love with our partners and sometimes we don't, and that's fine. The feeling of love comes and goes, but we can choose the act of love every day. Life is busy, we all have annoying quirks and sometimes we are tired and grumpy. This is not conducive to constant feelings of passion!
I have learned to observe the loving feelings. Enjoy loving feelings when they show up, knowing that they will return when they are not there.
I think there are many people we could be happy with, not just one perfect person. My partner is certainly not perfect, but he is a good person whom I love and respect. We have a lot in common, but we are also very different in some ways, which means that we learn a lot from each other. I am so grateful that I didn't throw our relationship away as it is now one of the most valuable things in my life.
If you think you're struggling with relationship anxiety
If you are in a generally healthy relationship and have been scared in the past, especially when it comes to relationships, there is a good chance that you are afraid of relationships. I encourage you to look deeper. Read more about it and you might see a therapist who understands ROCD.
Be careful with well-meaning friends and family who may suggest that you should split up if you are not sure. Many people, including therapists, don't understand fear of relationships. I would also suggest staying away from romantic films and TV shows as this will most likely lead to unhelpful comparisons.
There is no way to know the future, and there are no guarantees in life. There is no way to know whether our partner is 100 percent “right for us” or not. And if so, I don't think anyone would pass the test because we're all flawed in some way.
Loving is a risk and one cannot avoid it. Of course that's scary! But over time we can learn to deal with fears and to love ourselves and our partners better.
About Ella
Ella is a social worker who is passionate about mental health. She loves to write, hike and watch films. You can read more of her work on her blog Mind Balance Café.
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