"Where there is anger there is always pain underneath." ~ Eckhart Tolle
As a parent with special needs, I have the feeling that I am in constant anger and fighting mode.
I fight with my children on the home front.
I am fighting for their right to have access to services.
I fight for their acceptance.
I fight for my children to help them make progress.
Being in constant combat mode can be overwhelming and exhausting.
In my weakness I let my feelings get the best out of me.
I lose control with my loved ones.
The one thing I regret for my daughter
One particular incident that occurred many years ago still strikes me today.
My daughter's headmistress told me that it caused many problems there. Her behavior disturbed her classmates and many parents had complaints about it.
"We believe that this school is not for you and it is best to find another school," said the headmaster.
I fought with the school to let it stay. This was the third school in which we had to fight for acceptance.
I felt like I was going to another dead end.
After this meeting, I went home and was greeted with a rush of screaming and screaming children.
In addition to this chaos, my daughter with autism poured the contents of every toilet bottle she could find into the bathtub. It's incredible how much children can do unsupervised in a minute.
At that moment I snapped and screamed.
"What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? "
"Why do you always destroy the house?"
"Why can't I have a moment of peace without causing you any problems?"
"I didn't register for it!"
"I don't want you!"
My daughter with poor communication skills stood there frozen. I saw fear in her eyes. She felt every ounce of anger I had in me then.
Why further screaming delays child development
When children behave badly, shouting at them seems a natural reaction. We feel that when we yell at them, we get their attention, we discipline them.
None of us like to be yelled at, and when we yell at our children, they are shut down rather than listening. It is not a good way to communicate.
Screaming can be particularly harmful for children in the spectrum, as it can lead them to withdraw into their own world and no longer deal with other people.
The more we connect with them and get in contact with them, the more they can thrive and grow. Screaming can never be a way to "discipline" them, no matter how stressful and frustrated we feel at that moment.
Don't shout – easier said than done
Trust me. Nobody understands this better than I do. When you're stressed and frustrated, the only solution seems to be to let go of all these pent-up emotions.
I have trouble getting my anger under control. There are so many times that I regret speaking and raising my voice to my loved ones.
With every angry word exchanged, I see my daughter withdrawing into her own world, and it hurts me so much. Your mother did it all.
The truth is, I'm not angry with my daughter for the stupid things she did.
It is not their fault.
My beautiful daughter doesn't make life difficult for me, she has a hard time.
For her sake I had to find a positive way to deal with my anger problems.
I had to help myself so that I could help her.
Anger is just a mask for another emotion
Anger is often a secondary emotion. It's a mask that covers a deeper feeling that I don't want to address.
Behind my anger are my fears, frustrations and insecurities.
More often than not, my anger stems from my inability to control what is outside of me.
I cannot change the school's decision not to accept it.
My daughter cannot receive adequate therapy support in our home country.
Instead, I had to be my daughter's therapist, and I felt insecure about my ability to help her.
All of these overwhelming feelings of being frustrated, being treated unfairly, not being respected triggered the anger in me. Unfortunately, my poor daughter had to endure her hot-headed mother's angry burns.
How I Address the Real Meaning of My Anger
To deal with my anger, I had to:
1. Acknowledge the emotions that I feel.
What am I feeling now?
I am angry.
When I tell myself I'm angry, I can calm down.
It is important to recognize and feel the anger in these situations. By addressing it, I acknowledge that I am important and it causes me to take a deeper look at what's going on behind the scenes.
2. Identify the emotions behind the anger.
What do I feel besides anger?
I feel rejected by what the school did, and I'm also concerned about having the time to find another school for my daughter, or if I can at all.
My anger always tries to tell me something. As soon as I hear it, I'm in a better place to understand the situation and turn to the healing process.
The clearer I become why I am angry and the more I acknowledge these emotions, the less my anger affects me. With more clarity, I can also find productive solutions to solve my problems.
How I deal with my anger
1. Replace negative thoughts with more constructive ones.
It is clear to me that my attitude influences the interpretation of my circumstances. It affects my thoughts, my energy and above all my actions.
Much of my anger and frustration can be managed better if I practice reframing.
Instead of saying: "My child is a brat who doesn't listen and wants to make my life miserable", I try to say: "My child doesn't quite understand what I want to tell her. I have to show her what she wants must do. "
By reformulating my thought process and describing my children and my problems, I can see things with acceptance, compassion and empathy.
2. Identify common anger triggers.
Recognizing my shared triggers helps me mentally prepare for the event.
I start by visualizing a typical situation and wondering how I can react wisely. The more I practice this visualization, the more appropriately I can react to such situations.
It also helps to record which times and moments cause these triggers.
3. Practice some relaxation / calming exercises.
The use of simple relaxation and calming strategies helps me to alleviate these angry feelings.
Some examples of common relaxation exercises:
Drink a cup of tea
Apply breathing techniques
Practice yoga and meditation
listen to music
Work out
Use of relaxation tools (e.g. tension ball)
Since I started practicing these exercises, homework and therapy at home have been more pleasant for me and the children. If you meditate five minutes before doing your homework, you will no longer experience frustration and stress.
4. Focus on the solution, not the problem.
When a problem arises, I focus too often on the negative situation and that makes me in a bad mood. I solve more things if I focus more on the solution instead.
First of all, I take the time to fully analyze the problem and create a list of possible solutions.
When I do that, I know I'm taking proactive steps to improve our lives. I focus on what I can control instead of reacting thoughtlessly to my circumstances.
5. Find humor in the situation.
Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.
Finding humor in a situation, even in the most difficult times, can be both relief and empowering.
I was in the car when my daughter suddenly started screaming and crying. I stopped the car and asked her what was going on. No amount of persuasion, hugs, or bribes could calm her down.
I felt stressed by the situation, so I desperately made funny faces and fart noises at her. and she laughed hysterically. After a good laugh, my daughter explained that she was angry with me because I had previously promised to take her to the store but would go home instead.
If I had replied angrily at the time, I would not have been able to help her, and the secret of her emotional outburst would have remained unsolved.
6. Take some time out.
When I feel a wave of anger, I try to apologize for the situation. Time out prevents me from saying things that I might later regret.
Finding a quiet area to cool off and practice some of the relaxation exercises above saved me on many occasions.
When the anger subsides, I find it helpful to think about what I can say before returning to the scene.
7. Practice forgiveness.
It is difficult to find peace when we are immersed in anger and pain. Constant internal hostility consumes our energy both physically and psychologically.
It helps me to minimize the hostility within me, to see everyone like my daughter – it doesn't make it difficult for me, but it is difficult for me. It is much easier to forgive when I consider that everyone else is fighting, doing their best and sometimes falling short.
By forgiving, I accept the events as they are. I let go of all negative attachments.
By forgiving, I take control of my life by saying that this act no longer defines me, but no longer controls me.
Through forgiveness I can finally find peace and continue with my life.
Learning How to Have My Anger
I saw firsthand how my anger affects my family. It doesn't serve them at all. Out of love and necessity, I will do everything to be a better person for them.
So every day I make every effort to control my anger before it controls me.
There will be days when I am still confused. We are all human and will never be perfect.
I acknowledge my mistakes and acknowledge what needs to be done to improve.
I'm getting there slowly but surely. I am and will always be at work.
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Does your anger control your life? What strategies have helped you work through your anger and let go?
About Stephanie
Stephanie Weiderstrand helps parents educate children in the autism spectrum on how to awaken their children's gifts. She has a daughter with autism and ADHD and two other children with other learning difficulties. She believes that the right connection and environment will get the best out of our children with special needs. If you have a loved one in the autism spectrum, sign up for Stephanes FREE 7-day email course. AWAKEN YOUR CHILD'S GIFTS.
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