"Only to the extent that we repeatedly expose ourselves to annihilation can the indestructible be found in us." ~ Pema Chödrön
When I was standing at the sink, I looked at the mirror. I couldn't avoid eye contact with the one person I didn't want to talk to. I had questions and knew that the reflection that looked back on me was unable to give the answers I needed.
My solution was a handful of prescription pills to numb my anxiety and bipolar Type II.
Every morning I popped Wellbutrin, Cipralex, valproic acid, lithium, and Adderall. It was the cocktail that got me through the day. It was about the only thing I could stay in tune with in my life. I knew something had to change, but where do I start? How do you cultivate a deep and meaningful life?
My mind and body could just as easily have lived on different planets. Sure, they had the same address, but they didn't know how to communicate. They had no idea how to help each other or that they were on the same team.
At this point in my life I did not understand how my thoughts and feelings could act as poison for my physical self. Or that my bad eating and drinking habits erased any will I had to live.
And my energy was like going on vacation but forgetting to turn off the lights in the car. When I woke up every morning I could turn the key, but all I would hear is silence. There was no more juice to take me anywhere.
My cocktail of pills worked like a jump starter for a car with an empty battery. I felt a surge of energy rush through me as it shot into the bloodstream. I'd have a couple of coffees throughout the day to keep myself buzzing.
I knew it wasn't a long-term solution, but it was the first time I felt alive. And for someone who has lost the will to live, pills can often be the first stepping stone to bring you back to yourself.
Imagine walking in the dark without the glow of the moon to guide you through an unknown forest. Your next step is followed by a crack as the ground collapses beneath you.
You come up, rub your eyes, blink a few times and find yourself in a blackness that swallows all meaning of life. You stretch out your arms and discover that you have fallen into a well no wider than a water slide tunnel. Now imagine that you hear a voice from the walls asking you, "Why do you think you are sad?"
This is what depression feels like. For me, pills were a rope that helped me climb. But it took more than that to find the light when I reappeared in the darkness of the night.
This second step into a deep and meaningful life is supported. I had started therapy before medication was prescribed, but it wasn't until I was on medication that I could hear what my therapist asked.
The therapy was like a first date for my mind and body. And like all great partnerships, they come together to create something more than they are apart.
During therapy I realized that for years my life felt numb and disconnected from reality. I also realized that I had lied to myself and held onto myself with negative thoughts and beliefs about who I was and what I could (or couldn't) do with my life. My therapist helped me unpack what was holding me tight and empty. This helped me uncover what I was looking for – a mind-body connection that reunited me with my soul.
When people talk about purpose, meaning and fulfillment, this is language that can only come from deep within the fire of your soul. A person who is separated from his soul has no will to live, he just exists. Like a piece of driftwood caught in a flood, they are carried ashore and back off the coast.
The third stepping stone is cultivating a deep life. I borrowed this idea from writer Cal Newport. He puts it this way: "Deep life is about focusing with energetic intent on things that are really important – at work, at home, and in your soul – and not paying too much attention to things that are do not do."
Newport divides it into four areas. These areas nurture your purpose, meaning, and fulfillment. They are the basis for a deep life:
1. Community (family, friends, etc.)
We all need to have a sense of belonging. We need to feel valued, needed, included, and supported. And we need to feel comfortable showing our true selves so that we can connect on a deep, intimate level.
To deepen my sense of community, I leaned on my family and friends. I stopped keeping my struggles a secret and shared what I was going through so that my loved ones could support me. I joined a community mental health group that showed me that others had similar experiences.
2. Craft (quality of work and leisure time)
We have to commit to something that is bigger than ourselves – a career path or hobby that offers a way for self-expression and a contribution to the world.
I started writing every day. It allows me to understand the often chaotic nature of my mind. And it gave me the opportunity to share my experiences with others.
3rd constitution (physical condition of a person with regard to vitality, health and strength)
This is an area that we often pass off as something that we will do "when I have the time". But really, that means you don't have time to fill up with gas if you run your car empty. The further you go without filling yourself up, the more likely you will feel stressed, burned out, and unable to cope with whatever you're juggling.
I am convinced that nothing I want to achieve with my life is possible without health being a priority. It has become one of my basic habits in life. Every day I will move my body with yoga and exercise as I have realized that this is my fuel for life.
4. Contemplation (matters of the soul)
This probably includes more of something that allows you to connect with your soul, like sitting in nature or writing diaries, and also less of the things that separate you from yourself, like distracting yourself with screens .
I adopted a meditation practice that was an anchor for my self-confidence and a connection to the world. I've removed myself from social media and instead fill my time reading books.
Many of us speak of how important these areas are to each of us, but get carried away by the urgency of the needs and demands of others when it comes to making them a priority. I found this to be a daily struggle that consumed me. Did I live the life I wanted or did I live the life others wanted me to? It made it clear that a deep life is not your standard life. A flat life is your standard life.
I was not happy or fulfilled because I did most of the things I did for others. What I failed to understand at the time was that our sense of accomplishment came from working on things that were really important to us and that resulted in a deliberate use of our time and energy.
My living and dining room are decorated with plants. It's a hell of a lot harder than I thought to keep her alive. Some need to be watered daily, others don't want a drop until bone dry.
I don't want my plants to survive, I want them to flourish. I want the plants to thrive and that requires daily intent. My only action might be to stick a finger in the ground, but this check-in gives me feedback on how to do it.
Community, craft, constitution and contemplation live and breathe reflections of your life decisions. They require a similar approach to plant care. They won't tell you when you are thirsty. You must anticipate their needs and encourage their growth if you are to enjoy the benefits of a deep life.
I sit down with myself for a weekly check-in so I never go back and forth between waterings for too long. I wonder what is the most neglected important area of my life? And what am I going to do about it? This gives me the power of consciousness. A chance to understand why I feel this way and what I can do to improve it.
The deep life is not a snake oil solution to the challenges of mental illness. It gives you steadfast direction when your life feels like it's falling apart. It's what keeps you straight and tight when life feels impossible. And it's the reflection that your soul needs because it gives you a reason to stay alive and move on.
As the author Francis Chan said: "Our greatest fear should not be failure, but the success of things in life that are not really important."
You are important. Your life is important And you deserve a rich and fulfilling life.
About Chris Wilson
Chris Wilson is a bipolar creative with a knack for personal development. He strives for productivity, minimalism and joie de vivre. He performs Simplify Your Why, where he shares lessons from overcoming his struggles with depression, Type II bipolarity, and entrepreneurship. He created a free course for anyone who wants to live happier, more productive lives with simplicity (with less stress). Click here to access.
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