“I smile because I have survived everything the world has thrown at me. I smile because when I got down I got up again. "~ Unknown
If you had only asked me two years ago what gas lighting is, I could not even have told you, and I was not a victim either.
That's the gas light thing, it can unwittingly creep into your life and before you notice it, it can lead you to a turning point where you doubt your sanity and your life gets out of control.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which a perpetrator creates an uneven dynamic of power that causes his victim to doubt his reality.
Gaslighting is insidious in that it can begin subtly and, if the victim's trust is lost, can lead to other forms of abuse that force the victim to meet the needs of the offender.
I was in my twenties when I met Chris * (* name changed). He was charming, he added me, he made me laugh, and the chemistry between us made us practically inseparable. I was in love, my life was perfect and there was nothing to bring me down from the loving high that I felt.
However, it did. There was a crash and only three years later I was in the middle of a breakdown thinking about suicide.
I cannot determine exactly when the gas light was started. I had something I thought was misunderstanding – I was just "stupid", forgot things or made a "big deal" out of nothing. Chris has always been the "head" of the relationship, and I was "lucky" that he corrected me when I made these mistakes. I had no idea that this was just the beginning of what was to come.
Then one day, I was going to confront Chris for cheating on me after finding evidence on a phone he was using when he said the words that were my doom: "You know imagining things the first sign is madness, right? "
A man with a cold look stared at me. "You're crazy, I don't know how to be with someone who's made up lies about me." I looked at the phone, which was empty, and no evidence of messages showing that he had been unfaithful. They had definitely been there and I had seen them, or at least I thought I had seen them?
I no longer lived with the Chris I loved. instead, he was replaced by a Jekyll and Hyde, who was loving on some days and calculated and manipulative on other days.
These character changes were another form of ammunition in the gas light mind games that allowed the gas light to go undetected. Giving me good days made me think things weren't as bad as they were, a form of control to prevent me from leaving the relationship.
Chris also had more power accusing me of being "ungrateful" when I tried to protest behavior that was later unacceptable. "After what I did for you the other day, do you blame me for that?" How could I have a negative view of him after everything he did for me? And so the abuse continued.
Every day I walked on eggshells without knowing what I would do wrong with Chris, and I became a shadow of my former self and lost all confidence. With my loss of trust, I lost my ability to defend myself and was exposed to other forms of cruel abuse as a result.
Although I felt that my life was going to fall apart, I rarely thought about leaving. Instead, I clung to the relationship and tried to repair the damage that I thought had been done.
Even if I had decided to go, I would have the feeling that I had no one or that I was not going anywhere. For over two years he told me I was crazy, so I started to believe that this was my truth. I thought if I turned to someone to get support it would only make me mad or not believe me.
It still brings a tear to my eye that I couldn't open myself to my sister, one of the closest people in my life. After seeing the dark circles under my eyes and weight loss, she asked if I was fine. The only answer I could say was "I'm fine." The sad truth was that I wasn't feeling well, I was far from it. My life was in chaos and I felt that I couldn't stand it any longer.
The effort to live in fear finally took its toll and I hit rock bottom. I felt there was no other option than to commit suicide if I didn't go.
Somewhere in me I took the last ounce of strength I had to leave. I was faced with a flood of messages from Chris that changed from promises of change to messages of hatred after he lost control. How, I don't know, but I couldn't keep in touch and keep him out of my life forever, and I'm forever grateful for the strength I had at that time.
Despite my depression, I still could not determine that the relationship was abusive, whether through denial or lack of knowledge, and did not seek support. Instead, I had panic attacks in the following years, never felt safe and was very afraid of certain people.
I was so manipulated that I assumed that this behavior was just further proof that I was "crazy", and so I lived in this shame for another ten years.
Finally, two years ago, I did one of the bravest things I could have done: I listened to the low voice in me, the low voice that had told me in the past twelve years that things were not right. The low voice that had been silenced by my perpetrator that appeared to be "crazy". The low voice that knew I should have gone but didn't have the confidence to listen.
I now realized that a low voice was my gut feeling and told me that my life could improve, but I had to open up and seek professional support.
It takes a lot of courage to open up after abuse and to perform important healing work. With our request for support, we open ourselves up to be vulnerable when it was our exploited vulnerabilities.
We trust people after trusting people who have hurt us.
We allow opportunities to feel emotions and have a voice when our emotions and voice have been ignored or silenced.
Without support, however, we risk remaining abusive or repeating patterns in which we lure poisonous people into our lives.
This is not an exhaustive list, but these are some of the things that I have learned and done as part of my recovery, which have started to love and trust myself again.
I would like to point out that I am talking about "abuse" in this section because gas lighting is a form of emotional abuse. I would also like to point out that when we determine that we have experienced abuse it is important that we do not disclose it to the abuser. Accusing a person of abuse can increase the risk of negative consequences. Instead, ask for help from those you trust / professional support.
I accepted the abuse.
The recognition of abuse was a long and sometimes difficult but necessary process.
Because of the manipulation, I was often asked whether what I remember was correct. I have also spent many sleepless nights explaining what happened and apologizing for Chris.
These rationalizations and interviews were a coping mechanism to avoid that the pain of admitting someone I loved could hurt me. As I am patient with myself and ready to trust the process with my therapist, I am slowly realizing that I have been abused.
I often uttered the words "but he wasn't like that all the time". I learn that abuse, regardless of time, even if it is only 20 percent, is abuse. When we start to heal, we find a new respect for ourselves and are no longer willing to accept any form of abuse in our lives.
Throughout the process of confirming that I have experienced abuse, I was gentle with myself. I had to take time to grieve the relationship with the person I loved and who I still love sometimes.
I have given myself permission to feel feelings that I had to feel. I cried, felt great sadness and fear, and felt anger. In the raw state, every emotion was necessary, and now that I come from the other side, I have a newly discovered love and acceptance for myself, without the shame and guilt in which I once lived.
If we want healthy relationships, we need boundaries.
“Borders” is another term that was added to my vocabulary shortly after the start of therapy. A limit sets a personal limit for what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable to us. Limits can represent our emotional, physical, or spiritual needs. They can be different for different people in our lives, e.g. Family, friends, partners, colleagues and can be adapted to the trust that we develop in one person.
Before I learned borders, I felt selfish because I had my own needs. What was not clear to me is that setting boundaries is by no means selfish and instead starts from a place of self-love, self-respect, and self-worth.
I also feared that setting limits would result in me being abandoned and rejected without realizing that people who respect our limits are the ones we should keep in our lives and those who should we shouldn't remove.
With a better understanding of the boundaries, I was able to understand the role I played in relationships; by not being sure how I want to be treated. As an example, I would tell Chris that if he yelled and scolded me, I would need space, but I never followed him. Unintentionally, I told him I had low self-esteem and made myself the target of abuse.
To set a limit, we have to communicate our needs and, if necessary, implement consequences if they are not met. This can be difficult, especially if we have experienced some form of abuse that has caused us to lose our voice, but it will get easier with time and practice.
To share my limits, I talked to trusted friends and my therapist about what was going on in my life and what I needed from someone. These people listened to me and gave me the opportunity to practice what I want to say.
Over time, I started communicating things that are important to me and my well-being. I no longer feel compelled to do things that I don't want.
Boundaries are reciprocal, of course, and my ability to respect others' borders instead of feeling abandoned has also improved. I'm not perfect at it, but it does give me the opportunity to meet my needs and it also improves my relationships.
I am learning to have fun again.
How ironic is it that you only leave an abusive relationship so that your life feels controlled; Only this time is it an inner tyrant, the internalization of all the abuse you have experienced ?!
For years my inner voice was adamant: "You are worthless, you are stupid, you are so stupid." Sometimes it was just as bad, if not worse, than the abuse. I also had the constant fear that "something would go wrong", so I was constantly hypervigilant looking for threats and risks. As a result of internal criticism and hypervigilance, I lost the ability to have fun and could not let go of my guard.
It made it easier for me to realize that these internal attacks were flashbacks and emotional scars from years of constant diminution and enlightenment.
I have learned that, although they can be scary, they are only thoughts, but are not true and cannot hurt me.
Mindfulness was a powerful means of overcoming these attacks. When an attack was triggered, I noticed that it happened, not responding, just noticed. I was then able to introduce mind stops where I could stop the toxic thoughts at their first sign with a counter-thought like "stop" or "I'm safe now".
It is one of the most difficult parts of my recovery to have fun again. There are times when it's more difficult, especially when I have a lot of stress in my life. It is a journey and takes time, but my inner tyrant has lost weight and I have more fun in my life.
Above all, I treated myself with love and compassion for what happened.
My therapist has repeatedly reminded me that you did the best you could with the means at your disposal. Before I heard this, I constantly condemned myself that I didn't leave the relationship earlier and waited so long for support. I felt wasted for years and felt like a failure.
When I judged myself, I found that I was still injuring myself. When I started to heal, I was able to transform my experience from self-criticism to self-compassion.
Emotional abuse is both short term and long term destructive and creates feelings of fear, confusion, hopelessness and shame. It is not surprising that I was unable to take care of myself during the abuse. Again, I wonder, like anything that is more difficult than others, on days when I can't be kind, how a loved one would react to me in these circumstances.
Every person will have different experiences, mine is just an example. As I write this article, I want to draw your attention to the devastating effects of gas light and spread a message of hope.
If someone reads who has or has experienced abuse, we can live a better life in which we no longer live in fear. As our trauma begins in relationships, it can also help us have access to trustworthy and healthy relationships to heal.
It is not a quick process, but things can and will improve every day. After being pushed to the deepest depths of my life and making it where I am now, I am living proof that we can have a better life.
You are beautiful, you are loved and you are a survivor. Be nice to yourself.
About Hayley Brooks
Hayley is a social worker who has dedicated her career to empowering and advocating others. She is also a survivor of domestic violence and, as part of her recovery, picks up what she learns on her path to self-love and shares it with others in her writing.
Do you see a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
