"I've met people who are competitive and unfriendly, but when you get to know them, you realize that they are vulnerable – that skipper or reluctance is because they are furiously cycling underneath them." ~ Matthew Macfadyen
It was impossible to miss the dismissive gesture and disgusting look on her face in response to my comment.
"You radiate empathy", I had honestly told my therapist.
"And what if I blow off this compliment or ignore it?" she countered. Then she waited as usual.
"Ah, it feels awful," I stuttered as the lights of insight began to flicker. I was very aware of an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and stomach. I felt that I had just deeply hurt someone's feelings.
This experience hung in the air for a few moments and offered enough time to cross the boundaries of consciousness.
Was it really that clueless and was it easy to ignore compliments? Was that the horrible feeling others had when I did not acknowledge or unconsciously suppressed what they offered as a compliment or a kind word? Was it like being on the receiving end of the discharge?
When I left this session, I started with the usual deliberation of thinking about everything that had happened and the feedback I had received. Growing up with minimal encouragement, I began to realize that it was taking a tremendous amount of time before I realized that compliments from others were real. I was rather skeptical and often didn't really hear them.
I hadn't noticed that compliments could be accepted at face value and wasn't always laden with hidden agendas and ulterior motives. I didn't think compliments would be given because I just wanted to offer appreciation. Something big was noticed – something big was recognized. Period.
So where did such a suspicious nature come from?
As a child, I did not readily trust the motive behind a well-spoken praise, as it was often a double-edged sword for me. I would get a compliment from my mom, but it quickly became a way for her to talk about how wonderful she was and how much of her exceeded mine by leaps and bounds.
I remember one experience when I felt great interacting with student leaders. I began to share my sense of pride with my mom and got off a few sentences before she paused. The subject changed in the way she worked with and influenced her students. The message I had internalized: Sharing doesn't mean you will receive approval or a compliment for what you share.
After I excelled academically, my father dismissed my Masters as "Mickey Mouse junk". He has rarely acknowledged positive experiences with more than one "Hmmmmm" or "Oh". The message I had internalized: sharing doesn't mean there is understanding and appreciation for what you share.
Without many experiences that offered encouragement, acceptance or recognition, I lacked a background to deal with compliments. My strengths and talents weren't recognized and I hadn't learned to appreciate them. I tended to distrust sincerity and downplay positive contributions.
With the help of a coordinated therapist, I began a journey of learning to trust what was offered to me instead of refusing it. With a delicate glimpse, I was able to fix my automatic distraction button and understand that others really saw and confirmed my strengths when they paid compliments.
Here are some ways that helped me fix the discharge after becoming much more aware of my tendency to distract positivity.
1. Look for the positives.
I started observing something good around me, challenging myself to see the positive and focus on it instead of giving in to our natural tendency to negativity (the tendency to focus more on the negative, myself when the good outweighs the bad).
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I looked for examples of encouraging feedback and real compliments that came in my way or that others were given. I kept a thank you journal and remembered what I cherished every day. I retrained and rewired my brain to really see positivity and focus on it.
2. Know when my old conditioning reappears and how this can affect someone who pays a compliment.
I consciously challenged myself to believe that other people only had good intentions instead of projecting feelings from my childhood experiences with my parents. I challenged every suspicious internal dialogue that came my way. And I remembered how good it would be to others if I allowed myself to feel good when they praised me instead of rejecting what they said.
3. Receive and acknowledge compliments.
* I looked for them and was less inclined to suppress what I was hearing. I practiced offering a grateful and gracious thank you instead of allowing my mind to doubt, deny, distract, or reject the positive feedback.
A wonderful by-product of working against layoffs is that I am naturally more positive and appreciative of others. I spontaneously offer more heartfelt and serious appreciation, thanks and compliments to others. I am actively looking for ways to do this in my daily interactions and am working on expressing empathy.
Only recently, after seeing a mother interact positively with her cubs in the local park, did I risk paying a compliment. "Excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed how wonderful you were with your sons and how happy they seem."
The woman was pleased with the feedback on how pleasant it was that someone noticed. She then turned to her boys and told them what had happened. All four of us felt encouraged!
I am grateful that I am now much better able to hear, believe, and receive positive feedback. I purposely try to enjoy positivity and it makes me and life much more valued.
About Jan Bates
Jan Bates is a retired educator who has worked as a teacher in dormitories and the public school system. She participates in various volunteer roles and sees opportunities in them to develop interpersonal skills. She still deeply appreciates the radical influence of a seasoned AEDP therapist on her life.
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