"Change is inevitable, growth is intended." ~ Glenda Cloud
How much time passes when you live under the pain of resentment? Have you ever wondered whether your bitterness prevented you from living your true destiny? Does someone else accuse your life and your future?
Only now can I admit that I have spent years pointing my finger at everyone else. It was easier for me to say that they were to blame than to take responsibility for my own decisions. For me, achieving perfection was the confirmation of my success. If it was unavailable, it was obviously someone else's fault.
Up to a day I took the time to watch the documentary by Tony Robbins, Guru, for the second time. Amazingly, if you look at something again or read a book twice, you get something else.
There was a young girl who was struggling with the lack of love she received from her drug addict father. After admitting that it was her father's love that she longed for the most, Tony Robbins led her to a groundbreaking perspective.
He said to her, if you blame him for everything that went wrong, like not being daddy's girl, don't forget to blame him for being a strong woman. He reminded her that she could blame him, that he wasn't around, but shouldn't forget to blame him for teaching her how to handle it at such a young age.
Suddenly I felt a change in me. I connected deeply with anger and somehow it didn't feel that hard anymore. What happened? I unexpectedly realized that the pain of my resentment was indeed a gift.
I have a lot of emotional weight in my heart, some of which are still left. My heaviness is rooted in childhood memories that hurt and confused me. At the blissful age of eleven, when I thought life was pretty safe and stable, the carpet was pulled out from under me.
Infidelity and infidelity had crept into our house and turned everything upside down. Everything I knew disappeared as my mother whirled around screaming and crying. She was so emotional and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Her anger was sad when she put all of my father's belongings in black garbage bags.
One by one out of the door, like little pieces of my heart that she is just bagging and throwing out. She put them on our lawn and I stood there grieving.
She didn't see the little girl crying in the corner. Someone forgot the little soul that was traumatized by these great emotions. Nobody stopped the chaos for a minute to notice that my heart was breaking too. My memories of Christmas traditions and Saturdays in the supermarket never came back.
Everything changed and I hated this new life.
From then on, everyone around me always looked sad. I remember listening to my grandmother trying to comfort my mother when she cried in her bedroom for weeks. I can still see the shame on my father's face when he visited us from time to time.
The raw vulnerability and sheer helplessness I felt during those years was probably the most painful part. The feeling of being abandoned and dealing with all these intense emotions was so exhausting. The pressure to find things without a sense of direction made me unhappy all the time.
A seed of undeniable pain was then planted. I would spend years caring for this seed as if it were my purpose in life.
When I was growing up, the change seemed fine to me, but the days of confusion were just endless for me. My new normal was abnormal and the finality of the chaos ended when I accepted the idea that my parents would never get together again.
My mother stayed behind to keep everything together and it was a struggle to watch over the years. For the sake of her children and with the little strength she still had, I watched her work tirelessly to keep the memory of a good life.
Despite her commitment to her children, the inevitable happened: her young children grew up. We created our own version of our childhood memories and our seeds of injury started to bloom.
It is a shame how pain, resentment and fear spread like wildfire in us. It shows in the friends we meet, the partners we choose and the weaknesses that destroy us.
When things fall apart, it is difficult to think clearly, let alone take a path to success. It's much easier to point your finger at someone near you and blame them. But after feeling heavy for years, I was tired. I was ready to let go of this luggage.
That evening I thought about what Tony Robbins said to the girl: "If you want to blame people, blame them for everything."
This is how I turned into gratitude through resentment:
If I have been hardened by the things that I did not get as a child, then I have to be grateful for the life skills that I now have.
The ingenuity that I have acquired over the years is immeasurable. I'm not saying this out of arrogance, but out of pride. I used to be annoyed with the lack that I grew up with, but now I'm so grateful because it made me more resilient. The desire to want more promoted an enormous determination in me.
When I blamed my parents for a difficult childhood, I also have to thank them for teaching me how to be a great mother.
The insatiable desire to feel loved, noticed, and important gave me the ability to get in touch with my son at the most basic level. I know how important it is to build and maintain this relationship with him because that's all I've always wanted to have a close relationship with my parents.
When I have been saddened by the years of confusion in my life, I have to acknowledge the beautiful clarity that is present in my life.
The tears shed were not in vain. Instead, they washed away a certain way for me to travel. I can see the gift of my letter. The dreaded confusion created my innate ability to connect with the pain of others and to articulate what they feel.
If I allow the pain of my grief to increase, I must not forget to appreciate the goodness in my life.
I know what it feels like to be sad, but that made me experience happiness on a whole new level. I like really simple things like a good cup of coffee. I can feel happy when I do absolutely nothing with my husband. Most of all, I can live with a feeling of true satisfaction in my life.
If I found guilt in everything that I thought had gone wrong in my life, I am indebted to all these people forever.
The agony that I felt was targeted was meant to be part of my life. I love the people I couldn't forgive and who promoted hatred within me even more. Because of them, I now live a full life with more to come.
You see, it's all part of the life plan. The people we despise, the anger we cherish and the bitterness we nurture are actually the tools we need to grow and develop. The goal of the transformation is to gain a higher consciousness in our life.
There is no achievement in getting stuck if the goal is to go through these milestones. The problem is not in another person; It is the fixed perspective that you protect permanently. Don't prolong the experience of real joy. Time flies.
Turn your bitterness into sweetness, and your purpose will reveal it to you. Dig deep, not to find faults in others, but to find the gifts in your soul. that is the gift of your pain and the beauty of everything you have suffered.
About Jamie Hannigan
Forty-one-year-old Jamie Hannigan decided to pursue her true passion for writing by sharing her insights about life with others. Through her blog posts at www.jamiehannigan.wordpress.com, she would like to get in touch with her readers on a personal level and give a deeper insight into some of the complex life situations. She strives to build lasting connections with everyone she meets and believes that every soul is destined for greatness.
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