“Life is not about surviving the storm. It's about learning to dance in the rain. ~ Vivian Greene
Compassion is one of the greatest gifts of humankind. In times of suffering, such as after the death of a loved one, those affected rely on the empathy of others to survive their ordeal. Too often, however, when someone is in grief, we just offer "I'm sorry for your loss" for fear of accidentally exacerbating their pain.
To speak as someone who has unexpectedly lost their husband after a little over three years of marriage – and who has advised many people who have lost loved ones – I deeply understand what it feels like, both personally and professionally mourn.
All mourners appreciate the sympathy shown to them, but there are some expressions of sympathy that are more helpful than others. Here are five do's (and dos) for people who want to comfort those who grieve.
Talk about the lost person, do not assume that calling out their name or stories about them will worsen the sadness.
What hurts me the most is when people don't talk about my husband Jim. There were many people who thought bringing him up for discussion would hurt me or add to my sadness. The opposite was the case.
I would tell you I love talking about Jim and I always will because that's how I keep him alive and with me. I like to hear a funny story about him or a memory that someone would like to relive.
Many people wanted to be there for me – even to remember Jim – but not knowing what was appropriate, they did nothing. The last thing I thought about as I was in the pain and shock of losing him was who I hadn't spoken to recently or who might be available for a fifteen minute conversation.
Griever are not in a psychological state of mind to reach someone. Please contact them. We need all the support we can get.
Ask questions, just don't ask open questions.
One of the most common things you hear in sadness is "Do you need something?" Or "How can I help?" These are the most stressful questions to ask a sufferer. You are from your heart and have the best of intentions behind you, but decisions are very difficult for someone who is already overwhelmed with sadness, shock, fear, etc.
For example, one of the most stressful things to do when you are grieving is food. Sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Every client I work with who has lost a loved one says that eating causes them the same stress.
One of my clients is blessed with a family member who makes peanut butter protein balls so that my client can meet her nutritional needs without having to cook.
My life was made so much easier by having friends and family bringing me pre-cooked food. All I had to do was put it in the fridge until I wanted it. It was one less thing to worry about.
So when you ask a griever if they need anything, make a simple choice: "Would you like soup or salad?" Or give them a multiple choice question – A, B, or C. You have yet to make a choice, but it is not based on perpetual options.
Offer to get together, but don't assume that the suffering person wants to do the same things that they did in the past.
Meet the victim where he is and not where he was once.
Jim and I loved road trips to soccer games and live band gigs. Today I can only enjoy these things with people I feel very safe.
A lot of people just assumed that because I had enjoyed it before, of course I would go back to it. It doesn't work that way. Joy is a difficult emotion after grief because you almost feel guilty about being happy. Perhaps this is how some people deal with their grief, but the vast majority that I have encountered do not.
I would much rather spend the day quietly in nature or have friends call me and say: “How about we come over and watch a movie? You don't have to entertain or attract us. Stay in your pajamas. "
Leave the little things out of conversations, don't disturb the mourner with little things.
Grieving or not, when a friend or family member faces a major problem in life, you want to help them whether you are suffering. Life is about helping one another whenever it is needed. That is, if it's a legitimate problem.
For example, I no longer have patience for pettiness. I don't care about the traffic or the weather or the rude cashier at the grocery store. Jim died two and a half years ago, and it's still a struggle to get out of bed and make it through the day. With this kind of daily struggle, I no longer have any tolerance for these worldly conversations. And I guarantee you that I am not alone.
Do yourself and the griever a favor – if your problem is just irritating, talk to someone else about it.
Be open and patient with breakouts and breakdowns and don't judge.
Just because a mourner looks better after a few weeks or months does not mean that he or she is no longer suffering. It just means they can improve their looks better. The suffering within continues and the daily struggles persist even though they are not seen by the public.
Small burdens can derail us. For example, the game between Michigan and Michigan State was delayed due to a rain delay, and in Colorado the local broadcaster lived on the game in Colorado. You would have thought I lost my dog. I called my brother (hysterically) and he took care of the problem in five minutes.
You feel like you have overcome so many challenges that the frustration of not understanding what is going on around you is spiraling you into a spiral. Therefore, you can only approach life one day at a time. So, resist the urge to judge someone else's progress or decisions. Those affected are really doing the best we can.
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In conclusion, it is so important that you stay who you are. Don't try to change the way you act or interact for fear of how you will make the grieving person feel. Just be who you are to them and remember that normality is not a goal, let alone a goal. Your life will never be the same again, but your consistent presence and authentic support will just make the grieving process a little less overwhelming for them.
About Samantha Ruth
Samantha Ruth is a psychologist, transformation speaker, coach and the leading international bestselling author. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from the University of Michigan and a Masters in Clinical Psychology from the Center for Humanistic Studies. Sam unexpectedly lost her husband two and a half years ago when he died of a congenital heart disease he knew nothing about. Sam has been featured on PsycheCentral.com and Live Happy Magazine, and their website is samantharuth.com.
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