"Today I want you to think about everything you are instead of everything you are not." ~ Unknown
If you are a sensitive person like me, you might think that being sensitive is problematic. Especially when it comes to love and relationships.
Perhaps your partner or one of your parents described you as "too sensitive". Perhaps you feel overly emotional or overly reactive to things or take things personally that don't bother your partner, or you are easily irritated or grumpy all too often, or you feel the urge to be much more alone than you should think in a healthy relationship.
If so, you can believe that you are really too sensitive.
Now sensitivity can cause problems in our relationships if we act unconsciously and feel at his mercy. This brings out the more difficult aspects of sensitivity.
I know that all too well. Not knowing that I was a highly sensitive person and not understanding how to handle my sensitivity was the main reason my first marriage ended in divorce.
And even before that, for most of my life I thought that something was wrong with me, because I now recognize that my genetic trait is highly sensitive.
I hear the same thing from so many sensitive women I speak to.
But I want to turn this perception upside down. Because high sensitivity is often misunderstood and completely undervalued. Especially when it comes to marriage and intimate relationships.
Think about it: What more do most women want in their relationship?
You want your partner to pay you more attention. To better understand what's going on for them. To be able to react better to her words and gestures. Be more tender with them. To be more aware of them.
I always wanted my first husband to be deeper with me. More caring and empathetic. More in contact with oneself and one's feelings …
If you too want more of the above in your relationship, then what you want is more sensitivity. All of these things are what "sensitive" means.
Sensitive is defined as: coordinated, aware of the subtleties, caring, sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, understanding, empathetic, conscious, responsive, lively to …
Sensitivity is exactly what we need more in our relationships, not less. It's a asset in love.
And if you are a sensitive person too, you were built to be them. To bring all of these juicy joys into your relationship.
If you were born an HSP this is cause to celebrate. We are made for love
Once we have done our own work to develop the best aspects and tackle the challenging parts of the feature, we gain access to what we need, including the depth, connection, understanding, love and passion to have the ones we want most with our partner.
In other words, we develop into the best possible role model for a loving relationship – a non-sensitive people should strive for it.
Of course there are unhealthy ways in which our trait can be expressed. Paths that lead to more pain and struggle than harmony and love in relationships. These rather “negative” aspects (such as “sensitivity”) are really only expressed when we have not learned to work consciously with our sensitivity.
As soon as we do this, the "negative" aspects fall away, leaving us with all the good parts that are most needed for the healing and flourishing of relationships – and even for the healing of our world!
Many things let us play the negative aspects, but I have found that the greatest thing is to consider old, outdated (and frankly wrong) judgments about sensitivity as a bad thing. Because it makes us feel critical of ourselves and feel bad about who we are.
If we abuse our sensitivity and look down on ourselves, we are ashamed, we close, we become more negative.
When we are at war with ourselves in this way, we cannot open our hearts to others or to life. We likely feel like others are at war with us, so we take things personally and feel gripped by negativity and inner turmoil. We cannot come out of sensitivity to ourselves or to others because we are too stuck.
I know because I have judged myself many times in the past for my sensitivity, and it just forced me into a hole and hid my light under self-assessment and anger at myself. This anger spread left and right and spread to my husband, hurting our marriage and leaving us miserable together.
After our divorce, I found out about HSPs and that I was one. What an aha moment! I stopped trying to crush my sensitive nature when I learned to accept and even love her. I felt safe to honor it and much happier and more relaxed in my skin (finally!).
Then the best parts of my sensitivity could naturally shine through. And I was able to forcefully lead my second marriage into one that by my definition is now amazing.
How you can use the healing power of your sensitivity in your relationship
I bet a lot of the things you were self-critical about are actually aspects of your sensitivity! That was the case with me. Consider and answer this question:
How could the things you have judged about your sensitivity be the things that are most needed in order to establish your relationship with the depth and health you long for?
Take the time to recognize the brilliance of your sensitivity, the healing it can bring to your world. You are wise by nature, so go to your own mind and heart to find your answers.
Here are some pointers from my experience and my thoughts to get you up and running:
Could your emotionality be the antidote to the numbness and separation that are so often the kiss of death in an intimate relationship?
Could your ability to feel great feelings be the deepest and most lasting source of love in your partnership and carry your partner through the tide?
* next deep level?
Could your natural tendency to view the little things in yourself and others as defects or problems help you diagnose the areas that need to be healed or developed in your partner – and in yourself – in order for you to be Couple Can Thrive Together? Could it be the calling to become the most conscious, most empowered, most loving version of yourself, able to master both the joys and challenges of love with grace?
The same tendency to be bothered by little things and easily irritated by your subtle attunement to details could also be exactly what helps you really know and deeply focus on and help your partner to really feel known and loved? (My sensitivity helps me know the inner world of my husband without a word from him and enables me to understand what he is going through. He has often told me one version of these words: I feel as supported, seen and loved as I do I have the feeling that you really understand me. I am in awe of how good we can feel. "Hearing that feels like music to MY ears.)
Could your philanthropic tendencies and over-worrying about making sure your partner and others in your life are not upset be the compassion and conscientiousness we need to survive and thrive as a species? Exactly what inspires others to take care of one another with the utmost care and kindness – once you've learned to show the same grace to yourself?
Could your need for peace and quiet to decompress just be the example other people need to put an end to this toxic, fast-paced culture that is robbing us of actually enjoying life – and even the planet of life robbed yourself? Could it be exactly what our society needs to learn to slow down and relieve stress so that each of us has access to the love, insight, and creative problem solving we need to be in our partnerships and on this planet across generations to be succesfull?
When I realized that my sensitivity was an advantage, I was able to climb out of the hole of self-rejection and shame and change my portrayal of my relationship.
I could suddenly pay more attention to my partner, offer a little support here, a little insight there, say exactly the right thing at the right time, because I am so sensitively aware of finding creative solutions to control these inevitable sticky moments who have couples let my big heart out and are all the things my partner should be for me: loving, calming, conscious, understanding, respectful.
I started to live the kind of love I had only dreamed of before. And it started. My husband has learned to be more empathetic with me, to be more caring and attuned to me. Much more sensitive.
We can pass on our gift of sensitivity to our partners by modeling it and showing the way.
Do you see how your sensitivity is an underutilized healing resource in your love life? The very responsive superpower of sensitivity that you embody enables you to lead your relationship in a much healthier and more loving direction when you honor it.
A goal should be not only to feel good about your sensitivity, but also to become more sensitive. In a healthy way.
The lack of tenderness, the instinct to switch off and disconnect, the lack of empathy, compassion and understanding that is so destructive in our marriages and in our world – it can end here with you. Now. Your sensitivity is the cure!
We sensitives are that special variation of the human being that is needed to move our relationships towards healing, if we only give ourselves the sensitivity, care, tenderness and encouragement we need by believing in ourselves instead of us to abuse yourself.
We are the ones who lead us and others back to our hearts, back to compassion, caring and in harmony with others. Back to sensitivity.
First tell yourself the truth:
They differ from the "norm". But different in the way it is most needed for love to flourish in your home and community.
If you really believed that, would you finally begin to appreciate the qualities that make you what you are, you? Would you do anything to cultivate it instead of crushing it? I would. I am. Let's do it together.
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