"If there is ever a morning when we are not together, there is something you should remember: you are braver than you think and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is that I will always be with you, even if we are separated. "~ AA Milne
Two years ago I expected a monumental shift. I couldn't tell you what had changed at that time, but my mindset moved away from the bolder side of my natural, projected extroversion, seeking comfort in the comfort of loneliness.
It felt like the waves were pulling back before a tsunami, and for the next two years I definitely felt like I was drowning more than once.
My father was diagnosed with cancer. I went through separations, professional challenges, struggles with family and friendships. I was diagnosed with depression and had my first real experience with debilitating stress and panic attacks. Then, last month, my father (luckily now cancer free) had a heart attack weeks after a very brave friend had lost her own father to one.
I felt that I had made peace with my version of bravery, and understood that sometimes the very act of survival is itself a brave middle finger to the ruthlessness of life.
But besides "brave", another adjective that I had to deal with in the past two years was "strong". I certainly feel that my strength has been put to the test.
If you are often referred to as "strong", it can turn into a millstone around your neck. How do you live up to your duty to be strong for others when you struggle to be strong yourself?
In my darker moments I feel very weak. When I sat down to write about my father's heart attack, I was surprised to find myself writing down how I felt too weak to resist what could have happened to my father, how I felt too weak to mean mine Supporting family as I felt too weak for life in general.
There have been many similar moments in the past two years when I have felt anything but strong. And yet many beloved friends and mentors have described me as such. Sometimes I want to tell them that I am a scam and exude happy strength if I only do everything I can to get through on some days.
And then when I recorded it hit me. That is strength. If we are still here, we are strong. We are Darwin's strongest. If we go through a personal struggle, if we can deal with this frightening pandemic, if we are still able to have such a small part of love for ourselves, our family, our friends, our neighbors, our community, our strangers distribute, then we have to be strong?
Strength is not always an action. Strength is daily bravery; Strength can be felt; Strength is the decision to love.
Strength is that my mother goes on and strokes my hair while I slept in her bed; Strength is my father, who gives me the space to cry when he has his own pain. Being strong means “being able to withstand force, pressure or wear”. What are we doing as a species right now if we don't choose to resist?
In the midst of my much needed idiot, I realized that I had two options: to bend under the power of my fear of this pandemic and what it could do to the more vulnerable members of my family, the pressure of all of this over the past two years happens to wear out my reserves or inevitably the decision to resist.
And as the word says, you have to stand together with others. Let my loved ones see my tears, share my sadness with them, give them the space and security to share their own, and let moments of hope and determination come from our shared fear. In other words, to be a lighthouse in the storm.
The world will give you a lot of fear and cause for panic right now. Resist the depressing rush of the media; resist the urge to free Penne from the shelves; resist the mental self-isolation that these times could bring.
Stand by your church (even if you are two meters apart): If you are doing well, contact people who may need your help. If not, share messages so people know they are not alone. Numbers are strong.
Nevertheless, there will always be moments when we feel that our strength and resilience are simply not enough. In these moments I turn to the immortal words of A.A. Milne. If even Winnie the Pooh sometimes had to be reminded, it is more than okay that we do it too:
"If there is ever a morning when we are not together, there is something you should remember: you are braver than you think and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we are are separated, I will always be with you. "
About Sophie Harrold
Sophie Harrold is a teacher, activist, and blogger who practices yoga and mindfulness to help her stay connected with the present moment. She can usually relax on her paddleboard or swim in the ocean (regardless of the temperature)! She is alone in her quarantined apartment and blogs about the ups and downs of that experience at Home Alone for Lockdown.
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