"The spirit is the place where the soul hides from the heart." ~ Michael Singer
"You think you are so much better than me !!"
When this sentence – contemptuously – left my mouth, I recognized the familiar words. I grew up with this sentence many times. The "rich people", the girl who won the competition, the ruthless neighbors, the rude boss … "They think they are so much better than we are."
So I spent my childhood diligently to prove the opposite.
I wore myself out trying to be the smartest, the best, the prettiest … you name it. I wouldn't let all of these losers be better than me or my family. Under no circumstance!
But who did I really fight against?
The answer is nobody.
In truth, I was fighting against my parents' belief system, which came from their own childhood. I fought against their ghosts from the past. But I didn't know that at the time.
I had no idea that I had carried this belief system into my own adult life. After exhausting myself to prove that I was worthy as a child, I worked for decades on self-improvement and personal growth. I had gone beyond all that silly, limited thinking.
At least I thought so.
Until that day in the kitchen with my husband…
Mid forties…
When he politely refused to eat the meat that I had prepared for dinner.
Suddenly an uncontrollable anger rose in me and I shouted at him, tears ran down my face …
"You think you are so much better than me!"
My mind immediately started playing endless clips of all times when my husband had proven his supposed superiority over me. I was totally released and detached, so I got involved.
As I continued my ridiculous fit, another part of me, a more distant part, asked this simple question: "Where does it all come from?"
I immediately recognized the familiar sentence. I knew exactly where it came from. I immediately stopped raving and apologized in the bedroom.
Once there, I took the energy from my mind to my heart. There was no need to analyze it. No need to further involve the mind in the joyful reprimand of my innocent husband.
Michael Singer has a quote that I love. "The mind is the place where the soul hides from the heart." We don't want to feel these painful feelings, so we rationalize them endlessly in our heads. However, there is another option. I turned my attention to the heart, released the chaos in my head and let the energy go.
Minutes later I went back to the kitchen, felt much calmer, and apologized to my husband. Peace has been restored. I had also developed spiritually by releasing part of the garbage that had been hidden in my heart for decades.
I have now reached a point where I can be grateful when my husband hits a nerve, presses my buttons, triggers me or whatever you want to call it. I can only publish this old stuff if it is hit and brought to the surface. Otherwise it is just there, slumbering and waiting silently for the perfect opportunity to break out. Like a volcano.
We all know the feeling of this volcano if it erupts without notice. Those closest to us are the most adept at causing an outbreak. You can hit our stuff so skillfully and predictably.
We finally realize that an intimate relationship is like a mirror. Our partner has an uncanny ability to reflect on us the parts of ourselves that need the most healing. If we understand that, we can learn to use the conflict in our relationship as a catalyst for spiritual growth.
We can stop the guilt and the anger. Instead, we are very grateful to find another old wound that needs to be healed. So we grow together spiritually. We create a great connection and intimacy.
In an intimate relationship, we are like two rough pieces of sandpaper that constantly rub against each other. If we use this process to our advantage, we will become smoother over time. Then our relationship reflects that smoother, gentler, and happier version of ourselves.
We are no longer triggered like this. We are relaxing. We can enjoy life and each other. Peaceful. Joyful.
About Shannon Horine
Shannon Horine, MBA, M.Ed. is a licensed professional consultant and board certified coach. She works with women to help them change their difficult relationships on their own. This process is also an enormous opportunity for profound personal and spiritual growth. Sign up to learn what you need to do TODAY to save your relationship at shannonhorine.com.
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