“Overcoming a painful experience is similar to crossing climbing poles. You have to let go at some point to move forward. "~ C.S. Lewis
My ex and I broke up about five years ago. We had been married for seventeen years, and after that time I thought we were free at home for permanent marriages. Needless to say, when it happened, I was devastated. I had lost a large part of myself over the years as a couple. Who was I without this relationship?
I was afraid of being alone, which led me to explore the world of dating far too early.
I met a really nice guy I just didn't like and we became friends. I made an appointment with a guy who freaked me out and taught me never to get into a car with a stranger. I made an appointment with a guy who made me ghostly. Finally I dated a man whom I thought was my soul mate. He almost ruined my life.
When I met him, I was not so enthusiastic about him. He seemed too quiet to me, but he was cute and after a couple of dates I started to really like him. We were both in the middle of the divorce and had a lot in common. We could talk for hours. He was thoughtful and offered his time and affection freely.
He changed after a few months. He became very calm and thoughtful and the conversation subsided. He was always lacking in energy and never wanted to go out and have fun, which was exactly the opposite of me. In a healthier state of mind I might have seen the red flags.
However, we connected on a deeper level than he spoke. We were both looking for meaning in our lives. We both tried to understand everything. I felt that we had this deep bond unlike anything I had experienced with a partner before. We both struggled with depression and found our place in this new life after the divorce.
I needed someone to fill the hole my ex-husband had left, and I really wanted a connection. People told me I had to learn to be alone and get to know each other first, but I didn't want to hear that. The only thing I wanted was to feel whole again, and at the time it meant being with someone.
As he moved away, I tried more and more to get attention and affection from him. And the more I tried to get the affection, love, and attention that I wanted so badly, the more he pulled away.
I felt like I was drowning in a rushing river and desperately trying to catch something – anything – that would help me fill the void that my failed marriage left. I wanted him to treat me the way he loved and cared for me, and he just wasn't ready to do it, or maybe he just wasn't able.
The constant fishing for him to say the words I wanted to hear and to make me feel like I was feeling exhausting and unbearably frustrating. I couldn't understand how someone could be so selfish when I gave so much.
We were together about five or six months when he started to feel debilitating, accompanied by thoughts of suicide. One night when he was afraid of being alone, I rearranged my schedule with my kids so I could stay with him to make sure he was fine. In the end, he felt he had to go to the hospital to stay safe.
I stayed by his side all the time, and when he was admitted to the inpatient program, I visited him every day. I've rearranged my days so I can be there for him. I practically existed to be used by him.
When he was preparing to be discharged from hospital, he was afraid to be alone if his fear worsened and he had thoughts of suicide again. He asked if he could stay with me, which was difficult since I have two children who are also going through this difficult time of divorce. It wasn't ideal, but in my state of need, I was ready to help him as best I could – whatever it took.
His parents finally came to him, so this measure was not necessary, but it also meant that he no longer needed me.
All of his attention was inward and focused on getting better, not at all on me or appreciation for the sacrifices I made for him. Let's be clear – it should have been, and I know he absolutely had to take care of himself, but it drove me crazy.
I wanted him to love me as I thought he would. I just couldn't see that he wasn't in a place where he could really love someone. The hole I was trying to fill was getting wider and deeper.
When he was hospitalized, the experience almost normalized for me. He had a break from life for a few days and I dropped my life to save his life.
Maybe he would do the same for me, and maybe he would finally give me the attention I was longing for. Maybe, just maybe, I could start filling this big hole in my heart. This was of course an unconscious mindset at the time, but in retrospect I can see that I reached for a touch of confirmation from him that I was worthy of his love.
I was severely depressed. I had plunged into this relationship so much and got nothing back. I was also hospitalized for the depression, pain, and hopelessness I felt.
He spent a little time supporting me, but he didn't drop everything to be there for me as I did when he needed me. He came to me only once and visited me.
I had never felt so alone in my life.
The relationship had become so dysfunctional that I had lost every bit of mental health I had left behind. In retrospect, it's a little embarrassing that I stayed in this place when everyone I knew told me to get out. I wanted the relationship to work – at all costs.
He broke up with me just before Christmas this year, which was also devastating for me. I didn't take it well and hated him for it.
To make matters worse, he texted me in the new year to tell me that he missed me. We started hanging out again and cultivated a kind of “friends with advantages” relationship. How stupid could i be
Again I was there whenever he needed me, and at a high price for my own well-being. I held on to that glimmer of hope that it might work. Somehow someday.
His depression and anxiety finally flared up and he took some time to go to North Carolina to stay with his parents for a month while participating in a partial hospitalization program.
We kept in touch all the time and towards the end of his stay he talked about how he felt like we should get back together. I was still in the heart-filling mode, so in my mind it was like things would finally come together – that's why I had held it out for so long, right?
When he came home from North Carolina, we weren't really talking about "being together", but it felt like that. It finally felt good – as I had wished for so long.
And then one day everything changed.
I invited a few friends to my birthday and he was supposed to help me eat, but he was late. Very late. I tried several times to call him without an answer. When I was hanging out with my friends and trying to have fun conversations and pretend nothing was wrong, I felt hurt, unimportant, unworthy and small. When he finally showed up, there was something strange about him. When he left that night I went to kiss him, it felt forced and uncomfortable.
Later that week when I pushed it on, he told me he was dating the woman he knew would be his future wife.
After a date we were over. Flipped like a switch.
After a date, he was only with another woman whom he would marry one day, and he didn't even apologize, explain, or get how shitty it all was.
I was so angry, but I was also blind, hurt and felt like an idiot. I had given so much of myself for him, and he treated me horribly and carelessly. The rest of the details are not really important, but in the end I told him to get away and I never wanted to see or speak to him again.
All my injuries finally turned into something useful – anger and self-respect.
I think I needed trouble to leave this relationship behind and see how much better I would be without him.
It was only after this moment that I really started to heal from the pain of my divorce, and I didn't really meet for a while afterwards.
I reconnected with friends, of whom I saw much less than when I was with him. I have connected to myself again. I learned to be alone and to appreciate this time.
I have learned what I want and need in a relationship.
Above all, however, I learned that I am worthy of love and deserve someone who wants to give something back. I learned that I shouldn't be content with anything less than someone who wants to be an equal partner in my life.
Despite this terrible time, I am so grateful for this experience because I have learned so much about myself and have grown during this time.
We were just two people struggling with where we were in life. We weren't right for each other, but we were put in each other's way to teach each other.
He finally married the woman he was with when he was late for my birthday party and I am so grateful that she ended up being his wife and not me.
I like to believe that he is really a good person who was going through a difficult time when he met me. I wish him all the best. We all deserve it, right? I could even go so far as to thank him for the things he helped me learn.
There are many lessons to be learned from this very painful experience, and I would like to summarize them so that you too can learn from my mistakes. I hope you find them helpful.
You are absolutely worthy of all love
You deserve the world, even if you have to give it to yourself. It doesn't matter who you are, you deserve love. Yes you. And if you're with someone who doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved, you should look elsewhere, or even better.
Next. Really.
Find out how you love each other first
It was said that you cannot really love anyone until you learn to love yourself. I don't think you can really accept and feel love until you learn to love yourself first.
When you learn to love yourself, you don't need another person to fill emotional gaps. You are all alone. The love that you find when you are whole is a different kind of love and it is beautiful.
How do you learn to love yourself? Just start with yourself. Fill the hole with your own care and attention. This will result in self-respect, which will lead to self-esteem over time.
You have value as a person
Part of your life journey is seeing that you are worth the journey. It may be hard to see, but you definitely are.
If you are with someone who cannot see how valuable you are, you are with the wrong person. You have unique talents. You are beautiful and you are incredible. There is someone out there who will see it. But you have to believe it too.
Every experience in your life has something to teach
I bet if you look at all of the challenging experiences in your life, you can find at least one thing you learned from everyone. If you disagree with me, I can almost guarantee that you will not exert yourself enough.
We grow through challenges. If I hadn't had this difficult experience, it would not have taken me to my current partner who loves me and supports me more than I could have ever dreamed of. I've learned so much about relationships and myself that I wouldn't have learned otherwise, and who knows, I might not have been willing to meet the love of my life.
Letting go can be a nice thing
It is difficult to let go.
We want what we want and it takes a lot of trust to move away from a sure thing if you don't know what the future will be like.
It is difficult to accept that sometimes what we want is not the best for us. But you have to trust that by letting go you open yourself to better things.
And sometimes it is best for you to just live without a person who is not good for you.
About Kortney Rivard
Kortney Rivard is a life coach and photographer who lives outside of Washington, DC. As a former aerospace engineer who wanted a more fulfilling life, she is committed to helping women who want more out of life rediscover who they really are, find out what they want, and trust find what they need to get it. Read more about her work at www.kortneyrivard.com.
See typing errors or inaccuracies? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
