"At home is not a place, it is a feeling." ~ Cecilia Ahern
This post was written by three people from different parts of the world who came together to share their story of family alienation and their decision not to reconcile.
To the outside world, none of us seemed to be neglected. Our parents were well educated. We grew up in decent houses, had good educational opportunities and had financial support. We looked like we were from perfect families, but …
Jens story
On March 24, 2019 I received a frightening text from my sister that Grandma was found unconscious in her house and taken to the hospital. Her pancreatic cancer had progressed, and it seemed that the time Grandma had left was like grains of sand in an hourglass.
From that moment on, I could only think about how much I wanted to tell my grandma that I loved her, hold her hand, and how grateful I was for all her love, even though I had estranged myself from my parents.
Without thinking, I quickly jumped into action. As my husband helped me book flights and accommodation, I canceled appointments and made arrangements to make up for the work that I would miss so that I could spend my grandmother's last breaths with her.
At the airport, I made notes about all the things I wanted to tell Grandma. Would I see her or would I be late? As these thoughts went through my head, my sister continued to write a very dark picture. My thoughts pounded my stomach as I remembered how grandma had made my life wonderful.
When I was growing up, Grandma was the parent I looked up to. She always had a creative solution for everything. I called her when I felt depressed, when I needed advice, or when something good happened in my life because she always shared my joy. I always felt encouraged and really strived to be like her.
Because I was so focused on remembering our wonderful times, I never stopped thinking about the reality of seeing my parents again. At that point, I hadn't seen them since 2004, mourned the loss of them in silence as if they had died, and tried to heal the wounds of an abusive childhood.
When I entered my grandmother's hospital room, her eyes were closed and she looked very gray. I took in that moment, was only alone with her and then she suddenly opened her eyes. I could see her face filling with so much joy, but just as quickly it suddenly became violent anger.
"You are the last person I wanted to see!" she exclaimed and pulled the blankets around her. "What if you meet your mother – what if you upset the family?"
I was stunned. I hadn't thought of any of it because my mind was so focused on them.
"Do you want me to go?" I whispered.
"No, honey, I'm glad you're here, but I don't want you to upset the family."
My grandmother was right. I hadn't taken the time to think about how I would react to my parents' reunion, what I would say, or how I would choose to get in touch with them. I also hadn't thought about how they could deal with me.
As soon as I noticed this, my mother suddenly passed my grandmother's sickroom. Without thinking, I hurried over to hug her. I asked her if she agreed that I was there and we had a short, respectful conversation.
But after our interaction, I started to feel physically ill. My body contracted and it was difficult for me to breathe properly. Feelings of deep longing came over me and I imagined I had a supportive relationship between adults and my two parents again.
Later that day I called my parents in a flight of emotions and had a decent conversation with my father. I gave him my phone number and told him I was ready to connect again. Looking back, I see that this was a detrimental mistake – a mistake that filled me with pain and longing.
During my visit, when I was not with my grandmother, I noticed that I was busy with false hope. A strong desire came over me and wished my parents would call me. I was hoping they would also apologize for the pain they had inflicted on me throughout my life, and maybe this time things would be different. I dreamed that my parents would be interested in my life without judgment.
If I had really taken the time to think about how I would react to the situation without losing the emotion of the moment, I would not have gotten false hopes or fairytale ideas of reconciliation.
I would have thought about why I made the decision to cut my parents off, and this door would have been closed forever. I would have accepted that there is a past behind this door that has shaped me, that continues to haunt me, and that can still hurt me in the present if I opened it again.
Magdalena's story
My phone rang in December 2019 and notified me of a text message. I jumped a little and then more when I realized that the message came from Dad. I carefully pressed the "Read" button:
"Is it possible for us to meet in person to talk about this situation?" asked the message.
For a moment I thought it sounded like a reasonable request, but then suddenly a million emotions like fear, hope, anger, longing and worry raced through my body.
Before I received Papa's text, I became increasingly aware over the years that my relationship with my parents was not healthy. My parents' responses to challenges ranged from suicide threats and physical threats of violence against my partner and me to emotional manipulation.
Since I had become a parent myself, it became very clear that my ideas of parenthood collided with theirs, which is not necessarily unusual. However, I became more aware of the dysfunction in our family and decided to do something about it by choosing limited contact in March 2019.
As I sat there thinking about Papa's text, I thought about many scenarios: Could things be different this time? Could we possibly compromise? What could I do to simplify this? But I also noticed how careful I was because previous attempts at reconciliation had unfortunately broken down poorly into unsolved drama, severe insults, and terrible disrespect.
I regularly felt that my parents mitigated and ridiculed my concerns. Her sense of ambition has always been so overwhelming that balanced discussions have simply become impossible.
Over the years, I have been patient with my parents' disturbed behavior and my mother's mental health, which has deteriorated significantly, but she refused to admit it. My therapist has repeatedly stressed that a mental health problem is common but does not excuse poor treatment of others. Therefore, my mother will always be responsible for her good and bad actions.
My father has now collapsed under the weight of my mother's emotional instability, but continues to support her unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior to protect herself.
Again I thought that if I agreed to respond to his text and meet, I would choose not to provoke but rather to listen to what they have to say as I try to focus to steer the conversation positively. When I sat anxious, I felt a little hopeful, but still careful.
I decided to respond to my father's text and meet in a public place to minimize the risk of great drama. My parents agreed and I started to feel hopeful.
Unfortunately it became clear almost immediately that my mother had an alternative agenda. Almost immediately she told me that I was disgraceful and one day my own children would dress up like I did to her. She called me an evil witch and a marble-hearted fiend.
The insults she bombarded me slipped easily and effortlessly out of her mouth and made me tremble as I lowered my head. It was obvious that she hated my cool answer, and it felt like my father had no idea what was happening before his eyes.
My father accused me of offending my mother because of my silence. I said I really came to meet them, hoping to start building some bridges, and it felt like my mother, my father, and I started taking those tiny steps , decided to deliver some fatal blows that ultimately derailed everything.
My father told me that I was wasting space and never intended to reconcile myself. Together, they both agreed that they created a demon when they left the cafe dramatically. The "peace negotiations" were almost complete.
I'm sitting in a shocked state again. I wonder why I did that to myself again. The answer is that I had fallen victim to my dreams of wishing a happy Christmas with my whole family and of having simple picnics in the garden where I had played as a child.
Now I just feel stuck. I realize that I miss having no parents wholeheartedly, but I can't get in touch with them because it's too harmful. It's time to acknowledge that relationships can be difficult, but healthy relationships don't.
CJG's history
"Could there ever be a real chance to reconcile with my parents?" I asked my therapist in January 2020.
He reminds me: "If you want to make up with your family, remember that there is always a" hit "for every kiss you get. So remember, it is a kiss hit, one Kiss hits. "I record that and say," I'm just too old to take the hits anymore. " I just want kisses.
I have been estranged from my family since 2018. It was a constant back and forth to ask me what it would be like to be reconciled. Alienation was the hardest decision I made, but it is more difficult not to reconcile. Despite this struggle, I decided to stay alienated.
I didn't think I was unloved as a child because my father was extremely loving, said "I love you" and took part in my sports competitions. At night my mother made sure that my homework was done properly and we sat down as a family to have my grandmother or mother cook dinner for me.
My household felt just as "familiar", but it was also a place full of tension, unspoken thoughts, extreme stress, debilitating confusion, radical anger and countless secrets.
When I was growing up, I overlooked the weeks when my mother ignored me for no reason, although I asked her to tell me how to fix everything I had done. I would apologize profusely while sobbing and asking her to speak to me so that I could feel loved again.
Instead, she was proud to know that she could ignore an eight-year-old child for no reason. Suddenly she just started talking to me as if nothing had ever happened. And like most children, I would forget the pain she had caused in those weeks.
My father saw the Playboy channel on family television at night. He would put me and my siblings to bed very early so that he could solve his problems.
Most nights I had nightmares, stunned going downstairs hoping for some comfort, but was instead shouted at for glancing at the explicit pictures my parents saw. Confused and not reassured, I went back to my room and wet the bed. The next morning my father would scream and humiliate me for another bedwetting incident.
I always made sure not to put my parents to shame. I was trained to "never air our dirty laundry". However, I never realized how much "dirty laundry" we actually had. I didn't know what they were so afraid of and why it was imperative to condition us to ensure that we were never exposed. I just assumed that everything that happens in our house also happened in everyone else's house.
Parents like mine care more about what the "neighbors" think than about how their children feel. They work hard to keep appearances instead of emotionally supporting their children. They live out the fantasy of having the perfect family while destroying them with double standards, hypocrisy, betrayal and cognitive dissonance.
I was actively part of this family fantasy until 2018. I ignored physical and emotional cues and scary memories for years to be loyal and loving to my family. I just focused on the "good times" and suppressed abuse, covert sabotage and extreme entanglement.
I feel broken and ashamed, that is the truth of the family I grew up with and that I wanted to know for the rest of my days. Even though I admit these truths, I will always love them and that makes it difficult not to reconcile.
Our advice to readers
When you fight for reconciliation, you are not alone. Your parents helped make this inevitable decision with you through all of the behaviors that ultimately caused estrangement.
Some advice to remember:
Keep your "Why" handy. Write a list of reasons why you think you cannot have a relationship with your family. Check this "Why" list frequently. Their “why” can include stone walls, silent treatment, physical illness after contact with them, serious abuse, covert sabotage, betrayal, gossip, entanglement and triangulation.
Omit that "should". If you say things like "I should be reconciled with my family" or "I should reunite because society tells me I should" try to feel twice.
Feeling twice means adjusting to your body rather than your logic. Here are some ways to help you do that: Close your eyes, put your hand on your stomach or heart. Follow your body's instructions when you think about reconciling. Are your palms sweaty? Is your heart resting? Do you swallow hard Do you feel a sense of fear and panic or do you feel a sense of joy and fulfillment about reconciliation?
Take your time. Having a family member who is sick, aging, or dying can be difficult, but it is important to remember that alienation did not happen overnight. You made this choice after years of persistent toxicity and dysfunction. So handle this process slowly.
Be realistic about what could happen if you reconnect the best and worst scenarios and introduce yourself honestly. Take time to think over a period of weeks. Consultation with a therapist can help as this process can create feelings of pain and longing.
Ask what "added value" is. What is the emotional added value when you reconcile with your parents? What is the added value if you don't?
Prepare yourself for the truth: do you see evidence that the person or people you have estranged from have grown? Do your values and your values match or not? Will reuniting with them jeopardize your healing plan?
Finally, make a list of the non-negotiable. Reconciliation can only take place if your family agrees to be on your list and understands the consequences if it violates your deal breaker.
We have all moved away from our families of origin, let go of the hope of a fairytale ending and tried to reject society's romanticized ideas of reconciliation. We have found peace, our health and wellbeing have improved, and we all live happy and meaningful lives. You can do that too.
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