“What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, of course. The most daring thing, however, is to create stable communities where the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured. "~ Kurt Vonnegut
Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own life? Watching other people like you separated by an invisible wall?
Most of us have felt it from time to time and understand only too well how harmful loneliness can be if it does not go away. Research has shown that loneliness is worse for a person's health than smoking or obesity.
Yet we live in a world that is more interconnected than ever before. How is it that so many of us feel lonely?
I recently discovered the work of Gabor Maté, whose teachings on addiction and connection have deeply inspired me.
He discusses the mind-body connection (especially the lethality of the suppression of emotions) and how social connections can accelerate healing.
When he speaks it makes so much sense that it is hard to believe that this is not mainstream knowledge. How do we still treat the mind separately from the body? If someone develops cardiovascular disease, why don't we ask questions beyond their diet? Why are these people not supported holistically?
It makes perfect sense to me that someone who develops a chronic disease and is socially isolated cannot heal as quickly as someone who feels connected to their community. What's frightening is that our society is almost built on this artificial sense of connection that only creates feelings of alienation. I suppose it's because it's good for business.
Alienation is a term that was originally coined by Karl Marx. His alienation theory describes the “social alienation of people from aspects of their human nature as a result of living in a society of stratified social classes”. It occurs when a person withdraws or becomes isolated from their surroundings or from other people.
People who show symptoms of alienation often reject loved ones, society and even aspects of themselves. It's a very confusing feeling of exclusion and separation. It is also deadly to human animals, which thrive and thrive when connected and felt like they belong.
The following are four types of alienation that relate to our modern life and how to combat them.
Alienation from nature
It is no surprise that alienation from nature adds to our loneliness. We kill part of ourselves when we destroy rainforests and dump large amounts of litter in our oceans. The movement to protect our earth requires compassion and empathy for a life outside of us. It is also an acknowledgment that we are all connected.
I don't mean that in the sense of "Kumbaya", I mean it literally. The oil and coal we burn become the air we breathe, just as the tiny plastic microbes become infested by the fish we eat. How people can deny this is annoying. If we destroy our planet, we destroy ourselves. The planet is a large organism that has undergone many dramatic changes in its 4.5 billion year lifespan. It takes us, we need it.
I think the best way to gain respect for our earth (if for some reason you don't already) is to spend more time in the great outdoors. Leave the city and artificial buildings behind and spend time in nature.
How can you not fall in love with our planet while listening to the sound of a waterfall? Or feel the liveliness and hum of a forest? We are nature after all. We got away with it and will come back to it. The connection to earth is in a sense a connection to our truest sense of self.
Alienation from people
Many of us are no longer connected to others in a meaningful way. Social media has largely replaced social interaction and created an artificial sense of connection. We're wired so that we can connect face-to-face with others, not through our phones.
Social media is not only about getting in contact with others, but also about allowing companies to sell their products. These platforms have an incentive to keep you going longer and longer and stealing your precious attention.
There's a reason you open your phone and suddenly find yourself in a swirl of bright red notifications and an endless newsfeed. There are top psychologists and behaviorists out there who are working to keep you on the phone longer. I recommend checking out The Great Hack or The Social Dilemma to learn more on the subject.
This loss of attention leads to the fact that we are less present in the moment and focus more on what is coming next, which contributes to anxiety and depression. The effects of phone use on our mental health are still being exposed, as are the laws associated with it. We live in fuzzy lines, not exactly sure how that will work out. It's like the days our parents had to deal with smoking, before connecting the dots and accepting that it caused cancer.
If there is a loss of real social connection in your life, I know how difficult it can be to connect with others. Making friends with people can be uncomfortable and vulnerable. Where do we start as adults? It was so much easier when we were kids.
Well, we can start getting more out. Find hobbies, workshops, courses and meet people who have the same interests as you. It's a little trickier during the lockdown, of course, but there are also so many online communities that have popped up as a result. While it's not the same as meeting in person, online groups with real sharing and connecting are the next best thing. Standing there is difficult, but the risk is worth the reward.
Alienation from work
If we do a job that is only a means to an end and has no purpose in our soul, it will slowly kill us. It reminds me of the quote, "The cost of not following your heart will spend the rest of your life making a wish." It is painful to hit a dead end because we are afraid to follow our dreams.
We all have gifts in us and the task is to find out how we can live from them. There is, of course, a certain amount of pragmatism associated with this. We just can't quit our well-paying office job and choose to become puppeteers. There are smart and careful ways to get where we want to go when we have the determination. Every day is an opportunity to take steps in the right direction.
Go where you feel most alive and animated. It's always worth it. If you don't believe me, see "The Things People Regret Most On Their Deathbeds".
Alienation from the Self
Last but not least the separation from us. Our true selves. The person we were when we entered this world. Wild and free to be happy. Then we dimmed our lights from our parents, society and culture to follow the well-laid path and do what everyone else is doing. It is not surprising that so many of us forget our inner child. But it's not lost, it's just under those layers and layers of who we had to be.
I know that at times in my life I have separated from myself. It hurts to go against my authentic self just to be liked or accepted. It's like looking at my inner child and telling him to his face, "You are not good enough. Change." It breaks my heart.
The saddest are those who have completely lost contact with their youngest selves. They remind me of Robin Williams' character in Hook before he realizes he's Peter Pan. He just grew up to be an overweight, wretched lawyer obsessed with work. He was completely separated from his family, his nature and, of course, himself.
If only we all had a little Julia Roberts fairy who tears us out of our boring adult selves and reminds us of our inner Peter Pan!
Imagine the joie de vivre that we would all have if we had to undergo training to reconnect with our true selves? Healing and transformation begin with developing a deep relationship with ourselves. How? Through meditation, journaling, therapy, being in nature, really connecting with others. It will also take vulnerability, patience, courage, and a willingness to change.
We don't have to keep our loneliness to ourselves. Ironically, it's something we've all experienced and can relate to. If we find ways to reconnect with nature, to reconnect meaningfully with our friends and community, to find work that is in harmony with our values, and to connect with ourselves, the wall of loneliness will not become one have any choice but to simply collapse.
About Kimberly Hetherington
Kimberly Hetherington is a Canadian writer and art therapist based in Sydney, Australia. She loves to write, read, create, listen to podcasts, be in nature and have the kind of conversation that goes beyond the "mask" of everyday life. On her website you can learn more about her journey through grief and loss, hope and self-discovery.
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