At the start of a new year, many of us focus on the physical things we want to gain – for example a new job, a new house, more money, or six pack abs. We think about anything that could improve our lives and make a plan to acquire them.
There's nothing wrong with this approach – especially when we're struggling to make ends meet and need more security in life – but I've found that what we let go is just as important. In fact, one could argue that letting go is sometimes more important because none of these things bring us happiness unless we have the mental space to cherish and enjoy them.
When we are caught up in our busy thoughts – lost in our overwhelming thoughts and feelings – no physical thing will ever give us the satisfaction we hope for. And we will be stuck in a painful cycle of searching for things that will set us free, only to find that nothing outside can ever.
I know, because this was my lifelong struggle: how to get out of my head into the present moment so that I can stop mentally tormenting myself and enjoy more of my life.
I have many tools available to help with these things: mindfulness, meditation and self-care for example. But like many of us as I can imagine, I've had a hard time using these tools lately in a pandemic with a lot of work and a poorly sleeping toddler – and a second baby on the way at forty-one!
So this year I decided to focus on a few things that cause immense emotional pain – all of the topics covered in the meditation package (worth $ 99) are now offered with my mindfulness as a free bonus to kit.
I wrote these meditations two years ago on topics that have always been very relevant to me, and I find that they are just as relevant now. Two years later. As I navigate work, parenting, and a high risk pregnancy during the coronavirus era.
I don't think any of us will ever be able to let go of these things permanently, the way we flip a light switch and suddenly have these very human struggles completely behind us. We will likely find that sometimes we progress and fall back on old habits with others.
But I think a little self-confidence goes a long way. Because every time we realize what is going on internally and choose a different answer, we create a little freedom to enjoy more of what lies ahead. Without big gains or external changes – because in that moment we have changed and that changes everything.
So here they are …
4 things to let go of if you want to enjoy life more this year
1. Requirement for approval
I think everyone struggles with this to some extent, even the most seemingly safest people. We are social beings and we feel obliged to belong to a tribe.
But the need for approval – from anyone at any time – can be extremely restrictive and stifling. And it just distracts us from what we need to do to get approval where we need it most: from ourselves.
Years ago, when I was talking about my history as a license addict, I wrote:
"I'm small. I'm dull. My nose looks like a pig's. My inner thighs touch while walking. My gums show too much when I speak. I have to change my appearance. Maybe you will like me then .
I'm obsessed. I overanalyze. I get trapped in my head. I stick with things that I should let go of. I can never just go with the flow. I have to learn to be relaxed. Maybe you will like me then.
I'm shy. I am anxious. I need reassurance. I ask way too much for advice. I am looking for confirmation as a crutch. I have to be more confident. Maybe you will like me then.
Planning day by day – that's how I've lived my life. I didn't like who I was so I was hoping you would do it for me.
If only you would tell me that I am fine. If only you would confirm that I didn't have to change. If only you would give me permission to be myself. Maybe then I would like myself. "
I really think that's what approval is all about: we're looking for permission to like ourselves. To accept ourselves. To make our decisions. To believe that everything is fine, to believe that we are fine even when we have room to grow.
What if we just worked on it instead? What if we recognized every offer for approval by someone else as a need to approve ourselves – as a call to find the blocks within us that lead us to reject ourselves?
This weekend I sent my longtime designer a first draft of this post for feedback. I had a panic attack that night and sent him a lot of neurotic rapid-fire messages, many of which related to my work here on the site.
When he saw her the next morning, he noticed that it was ironic to read the post with these messages in the background. I immediately felt like a cheat and felt the need to hear him tell me, "But it's okay, you fight and do your best."
I felt pretty bad about myself at first and then I realized that I needed to hear these words from myself. So I cried, expressing all of my feelings, she told me, and felt instantly relieved.
2nd control
It is stressful and exhausting – not to mention the futility – to try to control people and life, but we do it all the time because we associate control with security.
If we could only control other people, we could make sure that they don't harm us or themselves. If only we could control the future, we could make sure we are happy, or at least okay, because we know we can handle what is to come. And ideally, when we get there, you will thrive.
But the thing is, we can't control people or the future, no matter how hard we try. And trying only creates stress and fear because in the end we are fighting against the reality that a lot is just not in our hands.
The alternative is to trust that it is okay to let things unfold the way they want, because even if we believe we know best, there may be something better than that what we want to force. And no matter what, we will be fine because we are strong – and those bumps in the road that we want to avoid will only make us stronger.
I wouldn't have chosen bulimia or depression or the events that caused my PTSD, but I know that because of these things I am strong, sensitive, and empathetic and they all brought me here.
As for my current situation, recently I have been trying to control the outcome of my new business venture because I know my partner will be selling more kits to retailers in the spring and that would be incredibly helpful to me as a supplier for one growing family.
I put a lot of stress and pressure on myself trying to get everything working, but I try to remember all of the times in the past when I had a certain price in mind just to being redirected to something equally, if not more, fulfilling. It's not my job to make things happen. It's about doing my best, seeing what happens and then making the most of what it takes.
3. Stress and pressure
Building on the last point: Many of us put way too much pressure on ourselves and cause a lot of stress in the process. We tell ourselves we need to get certain things done at certain times, or we need to hurry to catch up with other people, or do more in our time because we haven't achieved enough to relax.
This creates that constant feeling of onslaught against time, as if a persistent ticking in the background reminds us of the race we are losing. Like a bomb about to go off and create that lingering sense of fear that makes it difficult to ever truly enjoy the present.
I used to dream a lot about international travel because for me it was freedom. Whenever I imagined strolling through a park in Paris, I was always fully present in the vision, completely immersed in my surroundings, and both happy and at peace.
It never occurred to me that if I didn't practice being exactly where I was, when I finally went I would probably be trapped in my mind, worried about my work or my bills or my thicker waistline, courtesy cheese and wine.
And that is exactly what happened – I smelled the flowers, but not all, I tried the local cuisine, but only part of it, because this ticking was always there in my head. The bomb that could explode if I hadn't thought, worried, or stressed enough to deactivate it.
Now when I feel this inner tornado – this frenzied feeling of having to be or do more – I remind myself that the freedom I dream of is always available to me, wherever I am, but me I have to make a conscious choice by releasing the pressure. Only I can do it for myself and I deserve it. I deserve to enjoy life now, regardless of what I've accomplished.
4. Self-judgment
We all judge ourselves sometimes and often do not even notice that we are doing it. It can feel natural to tell our day with a cruel internal monologue that judges everything we do as inadequate.
When I was a kid, for a while after I spoke, I did this strange thing – I would say the words silently to anything I just said to see if it sounded stupid. I was probably around five at the time, but even at that young age I was always afraid of screwing it up, whether that meant saying or doing the "wrong" thing.
As an adult, this developed into a persistent fear of accidentally annoying other people, making a mistake or somehow appearing “less than”. My self-judgment became a misguided attempt to make sure I didn't do any of these things so that no one else would judge or reject me.
Basically, I judged myself to prevent other people from doing it – which is crazy because it was never under my control. And my own self-judgment hurt far more than someone else's judgment potential because it was constant and in my own head.
Maybe it was more subtle and sporadic for you – occasionally "I'm so stupid, I can't believe I did this" or periodically "I should be over it by now". And maybe it's not about protecting yourself from possible rejection, but about motivating yourself to do better – although it rarely works, because how can someone do it better when they are feeling worse?
I dealt with this over the weekend when I judged myself to be a fraud. On the heels of the panic attack when I was really hurt and needed my own compassion. So I said to myself, I'm not a scam, I'm human. And I don't have to feel bad or hide it. If I want to create space to enjoy the highs in life, I have to embrace the lows and love myself through them.
We all have to do that: recognize the fears that drive us when we beat ourselves up, find the lies under our self-critical thoughts and offer us the empathy that we want from other people. That doesn't ensure they don't judge us, but nothing will, so we might as well mitigate the blow of that realization by being good to ourselves.
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None of these things are easy to let go of, and as I mentioned earlier, it is an ongoing practice.
So I plan to start blogging in more detail on each of these topics in January and come up with practical suggestions that will help us all let go, even if it's difficult.
As mentioned earlier, I am currently offering a meditation and EFT tapping package that covers each of these four topics (valued at $ 99) as a FREE bonus with my new Mindfulness Kit.
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These are the only meditations I have ever written and recorded in collaboration with EFT Universe Certified Trainer Naomi Janzen and award-winning composer Stephen Fearnley.
Each of the four shows, originally released weekly for a month, begins with a brief conversation about the topic, builds on a tapping session that helps you take in and let go of the news, and ends with the guided meditation.
The kit itself contains four aromatherapy-based products, including:
A relaxing pillow spray (so you can fall asleep faster and sleep deeper)
A soothing bath and shower gel (to transform your tub into a cocoon of calm)
A scented candle with a lychee flower (with an invigorating smell perfect for morning meditations)
A soothing essential oil roll-on (so you can bring peace and relief anywhere, anytime)
It also includes a daily guide to meditation practice and three free advanced digital guides that you can use to create bags of peace morning, noon, and evening.
You can learn more about the kit here – and if you decide to buy one for yourself or someone you love, you will have instant access to all four meditations and the three digital guides.
I hope this package helps you find peace, calm and healing so that you can be more present in the coming year and enjoy more of your life – whatever it brings!
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