“Stress is not what happens to us. It is our answer to what happens and the answer we choose. "~ Maureen Killoran
I don't know about you, but I often find advice on relieving stress and pressure to be great on paper but incredibly difficult to apply.
Just don't say often anymore! Sounds good, but my twenty month old son still needs constant care and I have to make money, so there is a lot that I just can't do.
Get out into nature! I try, but it was cold and gray and often I only have time to myself at night – when it's even colder.
Train more! I have the best of intentions, but I'm pregnant, often exhausted, and back all the time. I just can't create more of it, try as I can.
I suppose this goes for most good advice: it's much easier to make a list of great ideas than to actually apply them. And it's hard not to resist all these well-intentioned suggestions that are oversimplified and maybe even unrealistic.
I've found this to be my biggest problem – one that you may also relate to: While my circumstances can be challenging and limiting, most of the stress and pressure I feel comes from some form of inner resistance. Resistance to what was, what is, what could be, what I do, what I could do, who I am … the list goes on.
And it could look like this:
Reheat the past (and pressurize myself to somehow fix my mistakes)
Dealing with worst-case scenarios (and pressuring me to find ways to avoid them)
Fight against my current reality (and pressure on me to change it)
I worry about what to do (and put pressure on myself to do it perfectly).
Obsessed with what to do (and pressuring myself to find out)
Fixing on what I can't do right now (and putting pressure on myself to bypass my limits)
I wish I had more time to myself (and pressured me to somehow make it through)
Judging myself against others (and putting pressure on myself to be better than me)
Agony over what people think of me (and pressurize me to meet their expectations)
If you've done any of these things yourself, you know for sure that it is exhausting.
That doesn't mean that we are the only cause of our stress. Sometimes life demands that we do more and face external challenges that are beyond our control – job loss, health problems, financial problems, divorce …
And it is true that we can do many little things to ease the tension. But the first thing we need to do is relieve the pressure where it is generally most intense: in our own thoughts.
How to relieve mental pressure
There are two things that have proven extremely effective in calming my inner voice of resistance.
1. Allow yourself to feel the feelings beneath your thoughts so that you can calm them down and let them go.
Too often we get caught in a loop of thought in order to avoid feeling our feelings, because as stressful as it may be, thinking about our circumstances can help us avoid facing our deepest wounds. But we have to face them in order to heal them. As they say, the only way out is through.
I have found that among my various forms of internal resistance there is usually the following:
Shame / guilt:
About things I believe I got them wrong, about who I am (when I mistakenly assume that my bad choices define me), about expectations that I have not or may not have fulfilled (my own and other people's). And this sets off my core wounds in childhood that made me believe that I was fundamentally bad.
When I feel it:
When I rehash the past, judge myself in comparison to others and torment myself about what people think of me.
Fear:
About the unknown that fails, then somehow ruins it, loses control, does not do enough with my life / makes the best of my time, does not reach my potential, hurts or disappoints other people. This is once again triggering my childhood wounds that made me believe that I am not good enough and never will be.
When I feel it:
When I deal with worst-case scenarios, worry about what to do, and obsess over what to do.
Anger:
To myself for what I did wrong, to other people because I think they did me wrong, to myself, because they may have done me wrong (because I often find a way, myself to blame yourself) for being unfair to life. This triggers my core belief that life should be fair and molded, you guessed it, in childhood when life felt very unfair.
When I feel it:
When I warm up the past again and fight against my current reality.
Emptiness:
Because I don't connect with myself, others, my passions, the world in general or anything that would fulfill me.
When I feel it:
When I fix myself on what I currently cannot do and wish I had more time for myself.
If I get lost in my thoughts and identify one of these feelings, I can sit with it. I can scream it out – the ultimate release!
I can empathize with myself and tell myself what I need to hear – that I am a good person who has always done my best, that I will do my best in the future and can deal with what is to come, what everyone else is doing their best and we all deserve understanding and forgiveness.
And I can do what I really have to do to feel better:
Perhaps take a warm bath if I'm ashamed to remind myself that I deserve comfort even though I think I screwed up.
Maybe when I am afraid of the future, I do something fun and childlike to help me find joy in the present moment.
Perhaps when I am angry I will write a forgiveness letter to help myself empathize, accept and let go.
Maybe call someone I love, write a journal, or do something creative when I feel empty to meet my need for connection.
The point is, after sensing our feelings, we can do something in a moment to address the specific root cause of our stress, rather than arbitrarily choosing an activity from a uniform list of stress relievers.
So ask yourself: What do I think that challenges me? What's the feeling underneath? What does this feeling have to teach me? What does it have to hear? And what can I do to ease this pain?
2. Get out of your head (and maybe into your body or into a state of flowing).
It is ironic but true that two seemingly contradicting pieces of advice can be equally helpful and powerful, and this is the case when it comes to reducing stress. At least it was for me.
On the one hand, it can be beneficial for us to look closely at what is going on in our heads so that we can understand it, challenge it when it is to our advantage and calm the feelings beneath our thoughts.
On the other hand, sometimes we just have to detach ourselves from the stories of our minds – about our unfulfilled work, our rising bills, our insensitive relatives and so on. To realize that we are entangled in a mental labyrinth from which we can never escape unless we consciously choose to get out – and then make that choice.
The standard mode network (DMN) of our brain that is supposed to protect us tends to be negativity and often focuses on the past, the future and the intentions behind the behavior of others. Research has shown a connection between a disproportionately active DMN and depression and anxiety – and has also shown that meditation can help influence the standard network.
That is why it is so important that we learn to get out of our heads, either through traditional meditation or through immersion in our bodies or through a state of flow (when you are so consumed in a task that you forget everything else and Lose sight of time).
It's not just about calming our thoughts temporarily. Mindfulness can actually change the patterns of brain activity over time, allowing us to step out of the standard mode network more often – where we inevitably feel stressed!
How do we get out of our heads into our bodies or into a state of flux?
Here are some ways to practice mindfulness through movement:
Yoga
When you synchronize your breathing with your movements and focus your attention on the subtle muscle shifts required to get into and hold each pose, your mind will naturally calm down. There are many different types of yoga. My favorites are Vinyasa and Bikram as I find the heat particularly calming.
You can find all kinds of yoga videos on YouTube. When life goes back to normal, you can likely find a free or donation-based class near you. Personally, I find it easier to practice in a class than alone, as the presence of other people makes me accountable and there are fewer cookies and TVs around to distract me!
Tai Chi
I have less experience with tai chi, but I practiced for a while in college as part of an acting class. Acting requires you to get out of your judgment, and tai chi is a perfect exercise to make this possible, as it involves integrating the mind and body through slow, low-impact, controlled movements and breathing.
Tai Chi is less physically demanding than most yoga practices (aside from restorative yoga, which is incredibly relaxing), which makes it perfect for anyone who is more physically challenged. It's especially popular with seniors because it's gentle on the joints, but it's a powerful and effective mindfulness practice for everyone, all ages!
Mindful hiking or walking
Any form of movement can be meditative if you focus your attention on the sensations in your body and if hiking and walking outdoors have the added benefit of immersing you in nature – a natural stress reliever!
Studies have shown that just 20 minutes in nature can significantly lower your stress hormones. And it can also stimulate all of the body's senses when we hear the sound of running water nearby, the scent of pine trees (known for relieving depression and anxiety), the colors of a scenic sunrise, and the feeling of leaves falling beneath our feet crunch and the taste of a freshly picked piece of fruit.
Here are some ways to get into a mindful flow state (suggested by river researcher Steven Kolter):
Through social triggers
We often think of flow as something we achieve individually, but group activities have the added benefit of allowing a deep connection when we move in sync or work towards team goals. This could mean getting into a collective flow state as part of a sports team, dance group, or through synchronized swimming.
I remember a certain piece of choreography from a community theater show that I did as a child. At least twenty of us sat clapping each other's hands and tapping each other's legs. We all had to move in perfect sync to get just the right thing, which required intense focus, and I have to say it was deeply gratifying to move as part of a whole – getting lost in the group and in something bigger than to immerse myself
Through creative triggers
Any creative activity can bring us into a state of flux if we enjoy it and lose ourselves in the task. Painting, playing an instrument, dancing, making jewelry, even doodling – choose anything that speaks so deeply to you that you need to focus on the present and lose your confidence because the act itself is so fun and rewarding.
By environmental trigger
Climbing is a perfect example as you need to be fully absorbed in the moment to safely navigate the rock formation. As you push your physical limits, balance yourself and adapt to the changing terrain, you will get deeper and deeper into a state of flux.
Although I've never done outdoor climbing – which in my opinion is all the more exciting as it is riskier and you are completely immersed in nature – I took part in a climbing course as an experimental therapy for bulimia early in the 1920s. I remember all of my worries that fell away as I focused on not falling off the beam, and I remember appreciating my body for what it could do instead of judging myself for everything I did considered wrong.
The beauty of most of these practices is that we can adapt them to our needs and the time available. You can take an hour of class or just ten minutes of practice. You can work on a painting for two hours or sketch a short window before bed.
Easier said than done? Sure! It's much easier to watch Netflix in our spare hour or mindlessly scroll in that brief window before bed. (Guilty as charged.) When I do this, all of my heavy feelings fester, sinking deep into my brain and bones, choking me like an invisible straitjacket.
But I know that when I do something that is good for me, I feel it – and I want more of it. And my resistance to it naturally disappears along with my stress.
Really, we only have to show up once – really show up. Be so present that we allow ourselves to fully live this moment so that we can love this moment, and that love will bring us back. Back to practice, back to our bodies, back to ourselves. Our deepest selves, under stress and pressure. The true self that knows that we don't have to be anymore, we don't have to do anymore, we just have to let ourselves be enjoyed more. Because in this pleasure there is peace and healing. And no matter what our negatively biased brain tells us, we absolutely deserve it.
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This is the fourth in a five-part series on Letting Go that repeats the themes of my $ 99 Guided Meditation / EFT Tapping Package – now as a FREE Bonus with Tiny Buddha's Mindfulness available kit (which is now available for $ 39). The first post on introducing the series is here, the second post on letting go of approval here, and the third post on letting go of the need to control people and life here.
The Mindfulness Kit contains four aromatherapy-based products, a guide for daily meditation practice and three digital guides for daily rest .
Do you want less stress and pressure and more peace and presence? Get the Mindfulness Kit and get instant access to the meditations and digital bonuses here.
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