“Integrity is not a moral problem. It's an energy problem. "~ Gay Hendricks
One of the biggest questions I and many other people I know have faced in the course of our days is: When is it worth giving our opinion, and when should we keep our thoughts to ourselves?
There are usually both good and bad reasons to speak up or keep quiet. So how do we know which is which? It all comes down to our own energy and we can learn to recognize that.
Integrity means a feeling of wholeness or of division. For me, the feeling of integrity is a feeling of stillness and calm within. When I'm upset by something (out of integrity) I feel a buzzing, restless energy in my body as my mind races around pondering what happened and what I want to say back. This is not the time to say anything! So the first rule of thumb in most situations is:
1. Wait until you feel clear.
Unless you or someone else is in imminent danger, your first reaction is likely to do more harm than good, as your energy is so swirled that you cannot see what is really there.
I usually love old sayings and aphorisms for the wisdom they contain, but there is one that I vehemently disagree with: don't let the sun go down on your anger. In all honesty, nine times out of ten the better advice is sleep on it. I can't tell you the number of times I went to bed angry and barely remembered what it was about in the morning.
When your energy gets whirled and excited, it's like a muddy pool that takes time to settle down. Once it's clear again, you can see if there is anything left that needs cleaning.
The ego (your "little self") is always on the defensive and ready to overreact when it perceives a threat. You can rest assured that your ego is activated whenever you feel the urge to say potentially hurtful things. It's just trying to protect you, but often the damage it does to relationships (and your own well-being) is permanent. Therefore my second rule of thumb is another aphorism:
2. "Least said, quickest repaired."
You can no longer say or write something that you have said or written (once you have sent it). So be careful. Don Miguel Ruíz says in the four agreements that we must be “impeccable” with our words because they are essentially like spells that we work and have the power to do both good and bad.
In my experience, the ego tends to explain and justify too much. There are many reasons for this: maybe you want to show how much you have been hurt by what the other person has done, maybe you want to trigger an apology or an admission that you were right, maybe you take advantage of the current situation Bring up old grievances with that person (or give voice to free-floating anger that isn't even related to them!).
Here, too, the point is to pay close attention to one's own energy. Often times, we start a conversation with calm energy and the best of intentions, but then find it out of control.
When you feel your chest tighten, your breathing accelerate, or your voice getting a little louder, it is time to withdraw. This is a tricky place because it is tempting to keep running forward. Sometimes you can calm your energy enough simply by slowing down your speech and breathing, taking long pauses, and gently focusing your attention on the other person. (We tend to go blind when our energy is stirred up.)
Say less than you think. This is especially helpful if the narcissist is trying to use your words against you or arguing you based on your feelings.
When you have to go away, try not to do so as punishment or rejection or manipulation of the other person – just admit that you are having a hard time keeping your own energies under control and make a commitment to return when you feel clear again.
This does not mean that you cannot express strong feelings when necessary. Ironically, when your energy is clear, you will be conveying them much more powerfully and effectively.
Some people, especially women, who have been encouraged to always hide or deny their anger feel that they have to lose control in order to face someone else. Unfortunately, this almost always fails and doesn't result in any real change. The sad truth is that when you lose control of yourself, you are giving your power to someone else.
Let's reorient for a moment: How does it feel when your energy is "clear"? Remember, we have called this a sense of integrity or wholeness. It is a feeling of being firm and grounded in your truth. (Note that I wasn't telling the truth: we can never really know what the truth is to another person, but we're always on solid ground when telling our own truth.) Because the little self is so troublesome and persistent is On the water my third guideline for speaking is:
3. Check your luggage at the door.
I really had to apply this rule recently when I confronted my sister about her new boyfriend. I waited quite a while to see if what I was feeling was really something that needed to be said, or if my own ego was just sad that it "lost" something important (my sister's time and attention) . It is easy to be mistaken that you are acting altruistically when your main motivations are in reality your own perceived wants and needs.
In reality, these hidden agendas (and our underlying energy) usually speak pretty loud! People take it, consciously or unconsciously, and only weaken our arguments and put others on the defensive.
On the other hand, when we speak from a clear and grounded place, this energy is also read and enables the other person to hear even very sensitive and raw communications with an open heart.
One possibility to look for hidden agendas is to ask yourself: What result do I hope for by speaking?
This turned out to be an important distinction for me. When I first thought about speaking to A., my motivation was to convince her to break up with the guy. (That would have made me happy.)
As I sat with the situation for a while, I realized that she really had a right to her own opinion and that she possibly had viable reasons to continue the relationship. When I finally spoke to her, I admitted it and didn't try to "convince" her to follow my advice. I just told her about my fears and observations and left her there.
But why did I think I should say anything at all? Which brings me to my final guideline:
4. Don't ignore your stomach.
As easy as it is to get into trouble by speaking when we shouldn't, it is also tempting to suppress our instincts to say something when we think it's uncomfortable , will be undesirable or "pointless" To do this. This also depends on the energy.
Sometimes when we wait, our energy clears and the situation resolves on its own. (Yay!) Sometimes we keep feeling angry or thinking about the situation. This is the time to check our own luggage. We need to carefully and honestly assess how much of our angry feelings are due to our own problems and deal with them first. If you've done this honestly and are still having problems, then it is time to speak up.
With my sister, apart from my personal sadness, I really had the feeling that she was going over the head with a narcissist. This got me into trouble because every time she talked to me about him, I felt spurious and angry for hiding my true feelings.
After we spoke, my energetic dilemma was resolved, although the situation remained the same. She decided to stay with him but promised to be careful and walk slowly. I no longer had to hide my feelings (which was a relief), but I also gave up trying to change their behavior and instead worked on my own problems about the situation.
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Learning to understand and monitor my own energetic integrity has helped me in all aspects of life, beyond just communicating (although that's quite important!). Deciding whether to speak or not and what to say when we do is a constant theme every day, and energy is the key to communication that really gets what we want with the least potential for harm.
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