“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Believe in what will be. "~ Sonia Ricotti
The scent of disinfectants permeates my home again. And as much as I am grateful for this, this astringent, alcoholic smell brings me straight back to the outpatient chemo station in the hospital every time I use it.
It's been almost seven years since I've been there every two weeks, but the disinfectant and masks make me feel like I'm in a strange flashback.
It is surreal to see that the whole world is now facing one of the most difficult parts of my treatment plan.
I was in quarantine for almost ten months.
The risk of infection, and therefore the delay in treatment, is one of the greatest fears that anyone who has ever received chemotherapy faces. I just left the house to go to the hospital and when I did I was wearing a mask.
We discouraged visitors, and the few people who came over also wore masks and were sitting a good meter away from me. It was incredibly isolating for a die-hard hugger.
And now this is the new normal for everyone.
I think a lot about this time in my life and find that I came across a coping strategy that worked well at the time and that I still rely on.
In a word, this strategy was surrender.
Surrender is a strange word by someone who had to "fight cancer". But when I say surrender, I mean to accept what is. To know exactly what is. To stop wasting your valuable resources on things you can't change.
Here are three practical steps that can help you turn this nebulous concept into reality.
Step 1: Make a list of all things that you cannot change about the situation.
The moment I got home after my diagnosis, I went to my room, sat in front of my window, and went through all the things that I knew had to happen. I had to have chemo. That meant I could be in pain. I would have to stay at home. I would probably lose my hair. And so on.
What does it mean for you to be locked, quarantined or self-isolated? What are the everyday aspects you are faced with? What are the little pinpricks of anger that could go up to huge stitches with a blunt sword? Think of everything and write it down, no matter how small it is.
Step 2: Go through your list one by one and go into every point.
When I underwent my treatment, I wrote almost every day. I wrote about how it felt to lose my eyebrows, spend New Year's Day in the hospital, and just keep boiled mashed potatoes down.
Everything on your list is real and worth your attention. Take the time to log, vent, and really work through how you feel about it. Let all the little things that you think are silly or over-reactive be expressed, especially those that you are ashamed of or feel guilty about if you have them on your list at all.
If you trusted friends, this is a good time to set up a support call system in which you take turns to bleed. The other person's only job is to say, "Thank you. What else?" You can set a fixed period of time for a direction and then switch. At the end of venting both (or all) participants, you could include a non-judgmental discussion.
Yes, this is a time to be grateful for our blessings, but that does not mean that we are hiding from our truths. Leaving feelings unconfirmed means letting them fester. You deserve better.
Step 3: Find your silver lining.
In the first six months I had alternating "hard weeks" and "good weeks". In the hard weeks I could only sleep. In the good weeks, however, I studied everything from logic to science fiction on Coursera, played board and card games with my family and ate like a horse!
Whatever your situation and no matter how difficult, where is your silver lining? What can you do for yourself even if it takes five minutes a day?
Please do not think that I urge you to use this time to be the most productive you have ever been or to end a dream project that you have never had time for. We are locked, not on the Sabbath, and no one expects you to reach new heights during this time. Even if you survive the day more or less intact, that's good enough and you're doing enough.
I just ask you to look a little further. See what you can find despite or maybe inspired by the items on your list that you may enjoy.
I have an amazing friend who dressed in a unicorn costume and surprised her husband when he was working from home. My talented sister has found fabulous ways to take everyday household items with me and make toys and sensual experiences for my one year old. Another friend is baking. People put daffodils in bunches on their driveway so others can help themselves.
All over the world people find ways to develop better versions of themselves, and these versions are as diverse and beautiful as wildflowers.
Go On
I always knew I would need six months of chemotherapy, so I was mentally prepared for six months of isolation. However, after my six-month scan, my oncologist said that I need radiation therapy to be on the safe side. And my heart sank. And after the radiation was over, she told me I had to stay home for a few more months to give my immune system time to recover just to be on the safe side.
These seven words started to strain me seriously.
But this last expansion was pure torture. I felt good, did not go to the hospital for treatment and still had to stay at home. These two months felt longer than the eight months that I had endured and that was pushing me to the limit.
And there I learned another great lesson. When things are difficult, it is not the best way to deal with things by counting on things to get better soon. If something changes or delays, you need to grapple with a game that stings like a rubber band on your cheek.
When you focus on when everything gets better or better, all you have to do is prepare for disappointment. None of this is ever under your control, so it's better to work on what you always have under control: how to respond to situations.
If you carefully anticipate most of the things that might come up, you usually also automatically think about how you will deal with them. And if you have also let go of the emotional charge that could be associated with these problems, your answer is full of grace and peace.
My first trip was a spontaneous visit to a bookstore opposite the hospital. I had just received the all-clear from my doctor, and my mother and I decided to hop across the street and spend some time reading books. Which, I have to add, is one of my favorite places! We had a great time and my first trip was so much better than anything I could have planned. I still have the book I bought that day.
What potentially amazing experiences are you hiding in the present moment? Try these three steps and see your awareness expand and your esteem blossom.
Things outside will still be unpredictable, and you may have to go through the steps more than once. But every time you do this, you will learn more about yourself, develop better response strategies, and be more informed in the present.
Surrender, and as Confucius said, the green reed that bends in the wind instead of the mighty oak tree that breaks in a storm.
About Amrita Madhusudan
Amrita Madhusudan is an author, speaker and coach for emotional well-being and productivity. She is a trained neuroscientist and has almost half a decade of research experience. After recovering from Hodgkin's lymphoma, she switched to coaching. It combines science with healing methods and helps people heal, grow and live their dreams by using evidence-based strategies. Connect with her on Instagram, where she gives simple tips on how to live a more fulfilling life.
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