"Remember, being happy doesn't mean you have everything. It just means that you are grateful for all you have." ~ Unknown
I was single for many years. But I wasn't just a normal single, I was a miserable one.
Instead of enjoying a time in my life when I just had to take care of myself and devote my full attention to my purpose and passions, I decided to take the “woe me” train.
I would complain about being single every day and wanting the "luck" of other women while dating. I would blame any man I've dated for "just not being ready" or being somehow to blame.
I didn't know that I was the common denominator in all of my failed attempts at relationships.
I was the one who decided to hang out with these men and ignore the big red flags that would crystallize early on.
Instead of taking the time to patiently examine and reject men who were not good for me, I allowed my desperation to entertain any man who would show interest.
My inability to find happiness outside of a relationship has ultimately left me alone.
The saying " You attract what you are" was true in my case. I was a miserable single so I kept attracting miserable relationships.
I continued down the same path until I decided that something had to change.
I realized that I had outsourced the task of making myself happy to the many men I had dated.
Your presence, commitment and interest in me would determine how happy I was. Unfortunately, due to my questionable taste in romantic partners, that would often mean not being so happy. So I decided it was time to change that.
Then things started to change and I called on the life and love I wanted. Here's what I did to be happy outside of a relationship:
Dealing with the lack of a relationship
One thing I learned is that in the absence of a romantic relationship, I had to find fulfilling activities that made me happy.
When you are single you have a lot of time. Time to think about everything that is missing.
I spent my evenings watching romantic films on Hallmark and wishing my life were like the plot of the film.
And mostly it just made me miserable. So I decided to make better use of this free time in the evening.
I had a nice nightly routine that included coloring, listening to music, and reading a book about spirituality or personal growth.
I would fill the void with activities that filled me.
The same applies to the morning time. Instead of lying in bed and scrolling through Instagram until all I saw were couples and babies, I started running.
Not only did I get into the best shape of my life, but I also discovered a new passion for running and exercising, which quickly developed into a hobby that I now love.
By dealing directly with the lack of a relationship, I found activities that made me happy.
Dealing with the sadness of singleness
The second thing I did to get happy outside of a relationship was learn to deal with the sadness that singleness often brings with it.
It's no secret that being single can be.
No matter how many times individuals are led to believe that it is a blessing to be alone, it can be difficult to see when that blessing seems to last forever.
What I learned is that I had to learn to accept sadness instead of avoiding, repressing and denying it.
I had to allow the ebbs and flows to spread accordingly. By feeling the sadness and despair deeply, I also enabled myself to feel the joy and excitement that followed.
Reminding yourself that no emotion lasts forever and that you will eventually overcome it is the light at the end of the tunnel that keeps you going.
Therefore you have to make it a habit to adjust to your inner well-being every day. Here are three ways I do it:
1. Start your morning with a meditation practice that will center you and align you with how you really feel.
2. Start recording your thoughts in order to better understand your fears and worries. You can spend a few minutes on this in the morning or in the evening.
3. Commit to a daily gratitude exercise. Several times during the day, stop doing what you are doing and just list three to five things that you are grateful for. They can be things as simple as your home, furniture, or the parts of the body that serve you well.
There are many different habits that you can choose from. The only thing that matters is that you create a safe space and routine that will allow you to feel your emotions without judging them.
This will help you deal with the sadness of singleness.
Dealing with the uncertainty of the dating
The last thing I had to learn in order to find happiness outside of a relationship was how to navigate the dating space without feeling burned out or discouraged.
Dating these days feels like stepping into the twilight zone. With many different terms and stages used to describe the act of dating, many people are no longer sure what they are doing.
Do you go out, hang out, meet up or just "chill"?
If you don't know, you are probably stressed out by uncertainty. And that feeling of fear sucks.
It is a constant ride on a roller coaster of emotions controlled by the other person.
So how can you learn to deal with the uncertainty that dating often brings with it?
The first step is to increase your self-esteem and to remember that your relationship status does not determine your worth.
When a romantic relationship doesn't go the way you want it to, you may feel discouraged and disappointed. These feelings are valid and should be honored; However, you need to remember that these are only feelings. That is, they will stand.
Instead, use affirmations to build yourself up daily and celebrate all of your small achievements, the positive impact you have on those around you, and how far you have come as a person. This will help you remember all of the great qualities that you bring into a relationship and will be a blessing to the person you will be with in the future.
The second step is to focus on having fun.
In a world of billions of people, it can take some time to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and who happens to want the same thing.
Uncertainty is part of the dating process. Try to focus on the fun of dating rather than shy away from it. Meet people with no expectations and instead choose to just have a good time and enjoy their company.
This way you naturally become less anxious because you are not trying to control the experience of your date, only your own.
With today's social pressures to be booed up to a certain age, it can often feel depressing when you are not in a committed relationship. Which then leads to misfortune.
However, by taking matters into your own hands and choosing to create happiness for yourself, you are allowing yourself to experience life and live in the present moment.
About Justine Mfulama
Justine Mfulama is a dating and relationship coach who helps single Millennial women transform their relationship from casual to engaging while going out with confidence and joy. Over on justinemfulama.com, she shares her personal experiences combined with years of research on everything to do with dating, relationships, and beliefs.
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