"The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers." ~ Deepak Chopra
I have dealt with hurtful situations in relationships in the same way. I would get angry, switch off, get irritable, or just give my partner the silent treatment. This only resulted in more of what I didn't want – separation, loneliness, and frustration.
So one day I made up my mind. I would change my approach and try something different. Because we've all heard Albert Einstein's famous saying: "The definition of insanity does the same thing over and over and expects different results."
I was tired of not achieving the level of intimacy in my relationships that I longed for. I was tired of feeling alone, frustrated, and disconnected from my partner, especially during the moments when I felt hurt the most.
Everything turned around in a single moment.
People think that change happens gradually over time, but in my experience it is often a crucial moment when you make a new decision that changes everything.
Turn separation into intimacy
Let me take you back to that moment … I was upset and lay in bed next to my partner. Earlier that night we had attended a birthday party and my partner's ex was there. To be honest, it made me jealous.
Looking back, I had no real reason to be jealous, but that's the innate nature of jealousy – it's never rational, it's emotional. I instinctively dealt with the situation as I always did when I was jealous, inferior, or threatened. I closed, got irritable and caught cold, and gave him the silent treatment.
"What's going on?" My friend asked for probably the hundredth time that evening. (Have you ever been in a situation where your partner keeps asking you the same question and you keep repeating the same answer and secretly wishing he would read your mind?)
"It's nothing", I answered with a cold tone and turned my back on him. There I started to wonder what was really going on. What I realized was this: At heart, I wasn't really angry, upset, or irritated. I was hurt and scared. I felt exposed and rejected.
So I made a new choice there and then. I told him what the situation was really about: I didn't feel pretty enough, not lovable enough, I was afraid that he would choose someone else and leave me. And believe me, it was extremely scary to be vulnerable and to expose myself that way. I was way out of my comfort zone but it was really worth it.
When I dared to communicate honestly from the heart, I received what I needed: love, connection and validation. This change that I made during the conflict changed everything and brought us closer as a couple than ever before. It opened the door to a new level of communication and intimacy.
Today we always try to take responsibility for our own thoughts, actions and emotions instead of pointing fingers at each other. To stay honest and vulnerable even when the stormy weather of negative emotions is desperately trying to separate us and force conflicts on.
Assuming you have a healthy relationship with someone who would never intentionally hurt you, you too can transform conflict into deeper intimacy and not only feel closer to your partner but also better meet your needs. Here is the process I follow to turn hurtful situations into intimacy:
1. Stop and notice your feelings.
The first step is to become aware of your feelings. Just stop and catch yourself when you feel hurt, angry, disappointed, jealous, irritable, lonely, etc. Becoming aware of them is the first important step in this process.
For me it was feelings of jealousy, annoyance, anger and separation that came over me.
2. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself about the situation.
What thoughts and beliefs do you have? It is often very helpful to write your story down. The story in your head creates the emotions in your body. Hence, it is important to be aware of your specific story.
In my case, the story went as follows: “My boyfriend still has feelings for his ex. He is mean and doesn't respect me. I don't want to be close to him. I want to punish him and make him suffer. I knew it too; I can't trust people, they always leave and hurt me. "
3. Examine your story.
The stories that we play in our heads are often influenced by past memories and experiences. And they tend to trigger strong emotions, which makes us blindfold. We are unable to act or think rationally.
So we have to question and question our history. Is that really true? Do I know for sure that it is? What are guesses, assumptions and projections and what are the actual facts?
In my case, I had very few facts. My boyfriend hadn't left me, said anything or done anything that suggested he had feelings for his ex. When I scrutinized my negative and destructive story, I found that there was little evidence to support it.
4. Identify the root cause.
Ask yourself what this is really about. What do you not want to see or feel that needs to be seen or felt?
In my case, the main cause was that I didn't feel pretty enough, not lovable enough, and was afraid that he would choose someone else and leave me.
This can be a tough question, but give yourself some love and appreciation for being brave enough to recognize your shadow. It is important to be kind to yourself as this stage requires vulnerability. Trust me, the rewards are immense!
5. Uncover your real needs.
When you know the root cause, ask yourself, "What is the underlying need that is not currently being met?" Should it be loved? Feel connection? Feeling special and meaningful? To feel safe? To say what your heart is experiencing
Also separate the needs that result from fear and the needs that arise from love.
I would have replied instinctively that I need space and some time alone to think and reflect. This may sound rational and reasonable, but that was just my ego trying not to face the real problem and pain. This only increased the distance and separation between me and my partner. To help you navigate and find the true, underlying need, ask yourself, "Is this need based on love or fear?"
For me the underlying needs were love and connection. I had to feel the love and presence of my friend. What I desperately wanted was a hug from him. A sincere hug that made me feel safe and seen. A loving hug that ultimately made me feel loved and meaningful. and specially.
6. Dare to be vulnerable with the other person.
“Vulnerability does not mean winning or losing. It has the courage to show itself and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not a weakness; It is our greatest level of courage. "~ Brené Brown
If this is a person that you really want in your life, that you really like or love, then you have to take the risk of being vulnerable. You need to open up and tell the other person what you are really feeling. But really take your time and think about this one. Not everyone deserves your vulnerable communications.
I know this can be very scary. The first time I did it, I tripped over my words and couldn't look my partner in the eye. That's how scared I was. But I did it anyway. And the reward was huge.
Take a deep breath and speak your truth, tell the other person how you are experiencing the situation and dare to express your real underlying needs.
7. Take responsibility and own your thoughts and feelings.
See the situation as an opportunity to see what you need to work on in life. See it as an opportunity to get closer to yourself and other people. Most importantly, don't expect others to fix you.
On my side, I realized that it is difficult for me to love myself. But that wasn't my partner's problem. At the end of the day, I had to find a way to love myself, with or without his love.
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The next time you find yourself in a situation where you feel hurt, stop and think. Use the steps above to move from separation to intimacy with the people you love.
And remember to be loving and kind to yourself while doing this. Nobody is perfect and you are showing courage by even trying to look at the situation from a new angle. So stay curious and compassionate towards yourself and others. You got that!
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