COVID-19 has taken away a lot of our personal interactions. Office talk at the coffee machine. Happy hour with friends. Holiday celebrations. Friends, co-workers, extended families – many of us have only seen them virtually since the beginning of the pandemic. In many ways, it's like we're all stuck on our own lonely island – cut off from the outside world, but sometimes desperate to vote out our "roommates".
The people we live with. We love her. We appreciated the extra time with them. But sometimes we just want them all to go away.
The infinite togetherness; the unequal distribution of budgetary responsibility; the challenges of reconciling work, childcare and virtual schooling; and the career sacrifices that many people (especially women) have had to make create new stress and tension and at the same time exacerbate existing conflicts in couples and families. In other words, couples and family counselors are in great demand.
I'm looking for moments of solitude and peace
"Time and space are just different this year," says Christina Thaier, licensed professional consultant (LPC). “We no longer divide our roles and tasks into different spaces, and that means that everyone we are has to exist in less space. This is difficult for children and adults alike. "
Work, school, family, intimacy, socializing and relaxation are all anchored in the home.
Esther Benoit, an LPC with a private practice in Newport News, Virginia, points out that many parents really struggle with roles they never expected – like teachers and tutors when their children are having trouble the virtual school – while still trying to work from home. Other customers work outside the home but spend a lot of time on the phone providing “tech support” to their teenage children who are home alone, says Benoit.
Thaier notes that customers are reluctant to find a way to bring it all together when there is no real connection to their communities and support networks. "It's limiting. We miss a lot, and when we live with others, we take it on with no real break from our family or roommates," said Thaier, a couples counselor, the founder and director of Terrace House, a group practice in St. Louis. "It is a strange feeling to feel lonely and cut off from our usual life and at the same time never have the feeling that we are getting a break from others."
"We [also] miss the versions of us that exist in our habitual spaces – our employee selves, our happy hour selves, the version of us that shows up in the gym, or the part of us that the car sings after the children have been dropped off at school – and the natural breaks and time for themselves that used to be built into our time, ”she continues.
Thaier, a member of the American Counseling Association, helps clients imagine alternative ways of being their own selves. “Maybe I can access the part of me that comes alive with friends by moving our time together to the park wearing masks,” she suggests. "Or I can schedule a 10-minute Zoom call with my favorite colleague at a time when we normally stop by each other's desks."
Thais and their customers are also looking for easy ways to recreate those moments of loneliness with activities such as a middle of the day stroll, running errands, a lonely trip to the grocery store or take away a bath or shower. "We also talked about meditation apps and made the most of the early morning or late evening when most of the house is asleep," she says.
Megan Dooley Hussman, a Provisional Licensed Professional Advisor and Clinical Director at Terrace House, says that many clients have not only found time for themselves but also found a way through daily rituals like meditating, walking or even to stay centered, prepare and drink tea mindfully.
Some clients also look for quasi-loneliness by setting times for family reading or watching movies, notes Thaier, adding that "quiet is almost alone".
But given the diverse roles parents play, stolen moments of loneliness are often not enough, claims Thaier. She helps parents plan the logistics to make sure each partner gets their own break sometime during the week. This often involves one parent – or a family member in the budget bubble – “hanging out” with the kids while the other parent has some time to themselves, she says. Thaier describes it as a "big win" for parents when everyone else leaves the house – if only for an hour.
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Dividing the fight
The pandemic was overwhelming for everyone – in a unique, but also universal (or at least common) way. For parents and couples, the unequal distribution of “mental stress” is often the biggest factor in hardship and conflict, says LPC June Williams, who specializes in counseling for couples. The mental strain, she explains, is all that needs to be done to keep the household moving. And a lot of it never seems to end.
As Williams, a private practitioner in Cedar Park, Texas points out, everyone eats all the time when the kids are home because of the virtual school. Meals need to be planned and planned as family members do not necessarily have to eat at the same time. The dishes appear to be self-replicating and require multiple dishwasher runs per day. It is not uncommon for a parent to manage this process – in addition to having the children involved in online training and trying to do their "regular" tasks from home. In such cases, parents spend the day constantly shifting focus from their work laptop to their children's screens. One of Williams' clients works and manages the family's three children while her partner is in another room with the door closed.
If the distribution of household responsibilities is not equal, it is often because much of the mental burden is invisible, says Williams. She helps make it visible to her couple's customers.
Williams will sit down with the couple and assign the partner carrying the uneven load to guide them through their day. Williams asks the other partner to listen without interrupting them. Often times, the less contributing partner is shocked to experience the full mental strain their loved one was carrying, Williams says.
Getting a 50:50 split isn't always possible, says Williams, but it does help couples share the load more fairly. They discuss all of the tasks that make up the mental strain and how they should be treated as a team. Williams asks the partner with the lower burden to think about which areas he would like to take over. She then asks the other partner to decide where they are willing to give up control. "What would you like to give away when you know it won't happen your way?" She asks. If the partner relieves the duty of dishes, they have to accept that the dishwasher may not be “properly” loaded, advises Williams.
Williams also lets couples take responsibility for different areas of the house. Once this is done, each partner's domain is inviolable. "No micromanagement," she says. "If the trash is your partner's business, don't say anything – it's in your lap."
ACA member Paul Peluso agrees that cooperation and flexibility are essential to managing domestic life during the pandemic. He recommends couples create a practical, workable schedule that gives each partner time off. Unlike Williams, he recommends couples turn off chores like bathing the kids, taking out the trash, and cooking. This collaborative effort creates a sense of fairness that allows one partner who has had an especially bad or stressful day to ask the other partner to take on a task that the tired partner feels too exhausted to do. The understanding is that the same grace is conferred on the other partner when needed, says Peluso, professor of counseling training at Florida Atlantic University and past president of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, a division of ACA.
Peluso also recommends that couples give up a little on each other, especially during the pandemic. For example, the routine might have been to fold clothes and put them away as soon as they came out of the dryer. "Take a break and leave it in the basket for a few days and use this time to watch a show or talk together," urges Peluso.
Sometimes an unevenly distributed responsibility cannot be transferred from one partner to another, says Williams. The couple with a partner who works for three children and runs the school do so out of necessity because the partner with the closed door is constantly in meetings.
In such cases, Williams usually encourages couples to explore possible external resources that can be brought in: “Can we talk to the family [about providing help]? Do we have a COVID safe nanny? A COVID capsule so the kids can go to another parent's house two days a week? "
The burden-sharing becomes more difficult when one partner is working outside the home and the other is working virtually or has interrupted his or her career. This scenario can easily lead to resentment, says Benoit. For the partner who stays at home, it can appear like the partner who works outside has experienced a return to business (almost) normally, she explains. In the meantime, the "inner" partner feels that their life has been completely changed because they either tried to work from home while providing childcare, or even found it necessary to quit their job, says Benoit. Resentments build up because the partner feels trapped at home.
Benoit finds it helpful to externalize these conflicts for couples and stresses that it is the situation that is the problem, not the person who works outside the home. When you take this perspective, the couple can address them as a team. The goal is to avoid blame and accusation, says Benoit, and instead ask, "How do we get through together?"
Though the essential circumstance cannot be changed, the level of resentment can be lowered dramatically, says Benoit, by having something as simple as the partner who works outside the home recognizes that the other partner has the harder end of the business and asking, "What can I do to help?"
Benoit also emphasizes self-compassion. "I tell a lot of customers that we want to get through," she says. "We don't want to thrive, we want to survive."
Couples also need to learn that they're not responsible for each other's moods, says Williams. The need to "fix" everything is often present in the partner who feels "overloaded," she says.
"I'm working with this person who is trying to fix the problem and [I] I'm helping them become more familiar with everyone's complaints," says Williams. This is doubly beneficial as the person who is underactive may be left behind because they received the message (direct or indirect) from their partner that they are never doing anything right. Williams wants to help the partner carrying the lighter burden take on more of the burden, not because it is gnawed but because it is important to the family.
Williams also asks the "overloaded" spouse about the feelings with which he lives. Do they feel the need to repair, save, save and control? Do you feel anxious and angry? If the customer approves of these patterns, Williams asks if they'd like to feel that way.
The usual answer? "No, I'm crazy and tired all the time."
Responsibility doesn't mean the customer is responsible for everyone in the world, advises Williams.
She gives customers a scenario: Her husband walks in and is in a terrible mood. He sighs heavily and drops his bag. As his wife with an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, you can flutter around trying to step in and take over. The final result? They haven't fixed anything. He's still irritated and now you are too, says Williams.
She tells customers they can still be compassionate, check in with their partner and ask how their day was. However, if the partner replies that their day was awful, clients need to wonder if they have the emotional energy to carry that burden with their partner, advises Williams. If not, "It's okay to say," Here's some soda, "hug her and move on," she says.
When customers feel the tension in the pit of their stomachs that urges them to enter, Williams asks them to do something calming in another room, such as sitting down. B. Abdominal breathing, stretching, or taking a quick shower. These strategies also have the benefit of physically separating the person from their partner and their bad mood.
"Offer them compassion and allow yourself to be separated," advises Williams.
The price women pay
Williams generally doesn't like gender-based assessments, but she says the ramifications of the pandemic are clear. Women are usually expected to take a break in their careers – to be the caregivers, be more attuned to the children, and meet the needs of the family – even if they are the highest wage earners in the family, Williams claims. She refers to a pithy and unlucky quote from sociologist Jessica Calarco: “Other countries have safety nets. America has women. "
Thaier agrees. "Women already tend to have more emotional, social and household roles, and that has not changed despite the increasing number of tasks," she says. “In my practice we talk a lot about our humanity and that no one can do all these things. We work to ask for help, prioritize and eliminate what we can, set boundaries, and gain time for ourselves. "
Women have absorbed an enormous number of losses, but have not had time to properly acknowledge these losses, says Thaier. "It's hard to grieve over the experience of trauma," she continues. “If we use the definition of trauma as too much, too fast, then all of 2020 was like this. The rapid restructuring of our lives has made it necessary for [clients] – especially women – to move into crisis management mode. We don't do that in crisis management. In this way, the therapy itself invites you to take a chance, even if after an hour we return to survival mode for a good part of the time. We start to work out moments that build on each other for something else. "
"In a way, because everything is different, there is the possibility that everything is different, and that means that families can brainstorm together and develop strategies on how to take care of the house and each other", says Thaier. "It is not easy and there are many challenges. But I see a lot of great conversations and thus also a lot of changes."
In therapy, clients and their experiences can re-center themselves, says Thaier. "They can express resentments, frustrations, fears and fears and fear that this will make them feel like a bad mother, partner, co-worker or friend."
Thaier encourages customers to question these assumptions and where they come from, and then redefine what is important to them about the roles they play. “For example, when we redefine that we are 'good' in a relationship, from an old definition of trying not to let anyone down to a new definition of presence and authenticity with the people we love , can we think about what this could be look like, "she explains. "We can see when the old definition guides our behavior and patterns, and we can begin to practice new kinds of relationships."
To redefine customer relationships and roles, parts of the past often have to be rejected by breaking patterns that are driven by cultural assumptions. But the past can also determine the future. Thaier uses narrative therapy to help clients lament their losses and find ways to preserve elements of the lost. “I think a lot about telling the stories of the people and experiences we loved and who made a huge difference in our lives,” she says. "For a woman who has made the sacrifice of a current job role that is an essential part of her identity, let's examine that.
“How did the job bring you to life? What made it possible What were the best parts of your day? Where did you envision this next? How did this role fit into an imaginary and cherished future? "
"We can actually strengthen this story, even if we mourn the space it left in the present," says Thaier. “And we can begin to tell how the client can access her relationship with her work – or [what] that she thought possible there – and bring this to the present. In other words, the people and experiences we love become part of us and we can continue to take them with us into our future. Our relationship with them continues when we want to. "
An existential break
The global slowdown caused by pandemics has given people the opportunity (even when not requested) to examine their lives and reassess their priorities, says Peluso. A number of people wonder if they want to get back on the treadmill of constant activity and productivity. "Or do I want to think about what I was saving for one day and do it now?" he says.
Regardless of whether or not they decide to return to the treadmill, even getting off the treadmill temporarily gave many people clarity about their relationships, Peluso notes. Some have grown closer to their partners during the pandemic, while other couples who previously clenched their teeth and stayed together for the sake of the children are wondering if it is worth the price they are paying.
Some couples rethink how they wanted to spend their pre-pandemic time, he says. "I think especially at the beginning of the pandemic when a lot of activity was difficult to stop, there was an opportunity to just start some new rituals for connection," says Peluso. "Couples could do things together – tasks, projects around the house."
This ability to slow down rather than rush through a list of tasks allowed some couples to rediscover parts of each other that might have gotten lost in everyday life, says Peluso. "For many of them, it forced them to go to some places where they had neglected relationships," he adds.
"While this year was incredibly challenging, it was also an invitation," says Thaier. "An invitation to slow down, to be together more, to take stock of what we do and how we spend our time. To be more at home. To rest. To see our limitless creativity, resilience and strength. To realize that our life is could really look different in a moment. Learn to be together in a new way. Be more outside. Less to be taken for granted. "
"I wouldn't say it was worth it," she continues. "That would not respect the loss and the tragedy, and frankly just wouldn't be true. But there is good here too. Every hold pattern has an invitation to see something that is waiting to be confirmed. There is a mirror here when we are ready to investigate.
"I am grateful for the invitation and I hope what comes next."
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Additional resources
To learn more about the topics discussed in this article, use the following selected resources from the American Counseling Association.
Advice today (ct.counseling.org)
Books & DVDs (imis.counseling.org/store)[19459006
Theory and Practice of Couple and Family Counseling, third edition, by James Robert Bitter
Mediation conflict in intimate relationships (DVD), presented by Gerald Monk and John Winslade
Ongoing professional development (aca.digitellinc.com/aca/specialties/56/view)
“Creative Counseling for Couples: Using the Integrative Model” (webinar) with Mark Young
"Imago Relationship Therapy" (Podcast) with Susan Hammonds-White
International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (iaaocounselors.org)
IAMFC is a division of the American Counseling Association that takes a multicultural approach to supporting the worth, dignity, potential, and uniqueness of families.
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Laurie Meyers is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact them at [email protected].
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It should not be assumed that opinions or statements in articles appearing on CT Online represent the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.