https://acbcdigitalresources.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/resources/Audio+Transcript+Files/Counseling+a+Fearful+and+Abused+Wife.mp3
PDF Notes
Today we will address counseling women who are afraid of abusive situations. However, parts of this lecture can certainly be applied to a woman in any kind of anxious situation because the principles are the same. One of the main reactions to any kind of abuse is fear. And I would hurry to add that not every fear is wrong. In this talk, I will highlight three ways in which to counter fear by advising someone who is involved in abuse by guiding us through a case study.
Case Study
Jane and Joe both profess to be believers. Jane comes in to advise that she be a better woman. She looked shy and fearful. In data collection, Jane describes a marriage that involves verbal and physical abuse. Jane was completely confused and scared. She felt crazy. It seemed like she couldn't do anything right. She walked around her husband on eggshells.
He berated her as boring and then got angry when they went out that she talked too much and embarrassed him. He told her that she was stupid and weak, that her friends and family were worthless, and that he did not want her around. When she tried to resolve a conflict between them, he ridiculed her as unrepentant and submissive, a terrible woman and a terrible mother. Everything that went wrong in life became her fault. Whether it was the children who got sick, the car broke down, her husband was late for work.
She would choose to try harder, be more careful, be quieter, not speak on the phone, not speak to all these other people, but her attempts to improve did nothing. Within the past year, Joe's anger had broken out when he physically pressed her, slapped her face, and even choked her.
She was able to predict the pattern. There would be some kind of explosion that was her fault. And then there would be false excuses trying to make up for that for about a week. He would give her flowers and sweets – things like that. Then there was an escalation of verbal abuse for about two weeks. Then there was another physical incident. So Jane expected that she would have to be very careful about every three weeks because something would make him angry. She never wanted to call or flee the police because she was convinced that it was her fault, and if she tried just a little bit more to be a better woman, she could fix that. Then he would love her and stop being so angry and violent. After all, he claimed to be a Christian.
This case highlights the typical aspects of a situation for an anxious woman in an abusive marriage.
After extensive data collection, I discovered from Jane that there were many typical sinful abuse and oppression dynamics in her marriage. At that point, I contacted the church leadership who called her husband to advise him separately.
Jane's perspective was confirmed in these sessions. The elders realized that the momentum was going on and advised him. Jane was so confused by Joe's sin and felt really crazy, which undermined any confidence that she might have had in her own ability to understand what was going on in her marriage. The manipulation kept her anxious and anxious – somehow out of balance. One of the first things I spoke to Jane about was saying: You are not crazy.
Address fear by explaining the perpetrator's sinful abuse dynamics
One way to help a fearful and abused person is to explain the elements of sinful abuse that you see in their story so that they can gain confidence in how they can respond fairly to them. It's not about beating up the husband. It is about explaining it so that they can understand it and respond sincerely. There are typical patterns of sin in an abusive situation. Use their history to tell if these things are happening and point to obvious patterns in the behavior of both spouses. Use scripture to show how the Lord wants marriage – in Jane's case, all of those sinful dynamics that I will list were in her marriage, and she responded with fear that drove them to sinful escape methods.
]
There was an idolatry of control – Joe tried to control every detail of her life: where she was going, how long, who she was talking to, what she was wearing, whether and how much she was working. Where God desires servant leadership, no oppression. There was ubiquitous selfishness, anger and violence. Joe showed extreme jealousy when speaking to someone in person or on the phone, as if she should never pay attention to anyone other than him.
Joe was blind to his own sin. He would reject or minimize any abuse and say, "It's not that big of a deal." His mantra was "I'm never wrong." He really lived with that belief. If something happened, of course, it wasn't his fault. It was someone else's fault because "I'm never wrong." When he was cornered by scripture that showed his apparent sin rather than confessing and repenting, he twisted the event to claim the victim. "You don't know how bad I am. She is crazy."
Or he wallowed in false remorse to gain sympathy and said things like, "I just can't do anything right for you." He made every problem their fault and therefore a responsibility to fix it. Joe played the victim. He felt sorry for himself and his anger was justified in response to being hurt by his terrible wife. He was filled with self-pity.
Joe was fraudulent. He was a talented manipulator. Manipulation is basically a deception used for control. He could lie and hide very well. Perpetrators can be convincing and profitable. He looked good for everyone outside the family – in fact, he was in politics. Joe cut a fine figure, which made it difficult for any of her friends to believe that she was actually telling the truth about what was going on in their marriage. Joe's confession and repentance was not divine suffering, but worldly suffering. He would apologize, but wasn't really broken about his sin. He would only hope for a quick fix and he would swear never to hurt her again – but it was there every three weeks.
Joe used intimidation and threats. Violence is a control tool. Remember that idolatry is control and that perpetrators can use violence to obtain it. Threats can include taking or injuring children or pets, e.g. B. "If you say so, you will never see the children again." In another situation where I advised a woman, the father took one of the children into a room with a gun and locked the door until his wife did what he wanted her to do.
Joe lived in James 3: 9, “but no one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. "
He was full of noise and defamation towards his wife. He showed demonic wisdom. James 3: 14-16 says, “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, don't boast and be wrong about the truth. This is not the wisdom that descends from above, but earthly, unspiritual, demonic. Because where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and any heinous practice. "
In view of all these dynamics, it is always best to advise a husband and a wife separately. You can see why, right? Anything you advise the woman can be used as a tool to get her. It is used for further abuse. It will also falsify the truth. He will give a completely different account of what happened, and most likely the poor woman will talk to her husband, who will only use it against her, about what is really going on in their marriage. She will not be able to be honest with you.
First, address fear by asking good questions to determine if any of these sinful things are going on in your marriage that feed your heart of fear, and explain them correctly to help it to react. She's not crazy.
Address fear by teaching divine ways to seek protection
For a woman like Jane who wanted to be a good wife and please God and her husband, it is wise to escape the real danger. She needs to understand that it is not inevitable to run away from danger. It actually submits to God's purpose to protect the weak and oppressed. It is divine to make wise decisions and avoid obvious dangers when possible. We have Proverbs 22: 3: “The wise sees evil and hides.” This means that you must recognize the evil actions of others and avoid being deliberately involved in this situation.
You can clarify this point by actually using examples in the story of Jesus. I'm just giving you a selection of scriptures that talk about it.
Matthew 2:13 says: "When they were gone, see, an angel of the Lord Joseph appeared in a dream and said: Get up, take the child and his mother and flee to Egypt and stay there until I tell you , because Herod is about to look for the child, to destroy it. "
Matthew 2: 21-23 is when Joseph returned to Israel from Egypt. And he got up and took the child and his mother and went to the land of Israel. However, when he heard that Archelaus ruled over Judea instead of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there, and when he was warned in a dream, he retired to the Galilee district. And he went and lived in a city called Nazareth. "
In Matthew 10, Jesus instructed his disciples on their first mission and said: “See, I send you out as a sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as snakes and innocent as doves. Beware of men, because they will take you to court and flog you in their synagogues … If they chase you in one city, flee to the next. "
John 7: 1 says: “After that, Jesus went about in Galilee. He would not run around in Judea because the Jews wanted to kill him. "
John 10:39 says: “Again they tried to arrest him, but he escaped their hands. He went over the Jordan again. "
From these and many other scriptures, you can help her understand that it is clear that physical flight can be a divine way to seek protection. It is not submissive. Escaping the danger when you are able is actually wise. A divine way a woman can seek protection is to flee.
Second, it can involve ecclesiastical authority. Matthew 18 describes how we can meet a sinful brother, which we did immediately when I discovered that an abusive situation was going on. We have consulted the church leadership. It should use the ecclesiastical authorities that God has established. When this happens, the man is confronted, and when a confrontation occurs in an abusive situation, there are a few things you need to know to do it wisely.
Do not initially confront until the woman has a plan and is mentally ready to respond to the perpetrator's reaction and the additional hardship that will cause it. Imagine a person who has an idolatry of control and whom you are challenging – perhaps for the first time. You have to have a plan and prepare the woman for possible reactions. Do not confront alone. You must never confront him alone – do so in the presence of someone else. In volatile situations, only the elders may go over or call the police and maybe the elders and police go over.
Romans 13 tells us that we are free to use the government agencies set up by God to help us. Abuse is not only sinful, but also illegal. God says in Romans 13: “Everyone should be subject to government agencies. Because there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been appointed by God. So whoever opposes the authorities opposes what God intended, and those who oppose are condemned. Because rulers are not terror for good behavior, but for bad. Wouldn't you be afraid of authority figures? Then do what is good and you will get his approval because he is God's servant for your good. "
Helping the woman could mean helping her call the police. Certainly it means taking them to a safe place – separation. Know the laws in your state. Take really good notes as legal issues can arise. Quote things carefully because this could be a judicial situation.
Please also note that the woman is given the decision to choose whether to bring charges. It is a difficult decision because urgent charges have to make their experience public and they have to go through a trial that will involve cross-examination, trial and all that. Allow the woman to make this decision with prayer, counsel and under the direction of your church.
In the event that the woman decides to stay at home, plan an escape in times of crisis. Jane actually stayed at her house in this case study, except for two situations in which I had advised her that she wanted to escape wisely. It is important to know that a woman who leaves an abusive spouse can be a very dangerous time for her because the abuser feels that she is losing the control she wants. They need a security plan that will help them act wisely in times of crisis. Tell them not to feel guilty about developing a security plan. Think of a woman who just wants to be submissive – she doesn't want to do something like that on the side. She doesn't want that, so you have to tell her that it's really smart.
It will help her to act biblically and clearly if she has a plan. It will help her to be organized in her head.
An example of some of the things to do in developing a security plan can be found on the website of our local home for violence. It is an incredible program for a secular community. We really need such biblical programs, but theirs are excellent and you will find a lot of help on this website. You can probably also find local emergency shelters that give a lot of good advice for an escape plan, for example, to pack a bag with essentials, to have a plan to escape from every room in the house, with an extra car key To have hidden, you have a place like a shelter from domestic violence or a family in the church. By the way, if you have a family in the church who is willing to serve in this way, you must have a way to stay where they are private.
The couple should separate until a crisis is over, and you and the woman are both confident that the return is safe. It can be hours – maybe it's a fleeting explosion and he'll come back and regret it soon after – or it can be days. If a situation remains volatile, a longer separation may be required until the husband receives advice on his anger and abuse and shows remorse and change.
When speaking to your lawyer about separation, you may need to mention that the woman can feel guilty if she rightly values marriage, forgiveness, and unity – even in a dangerous domestic situation. We certainly want to reaffirm these values, but let us help you see it this way. The best way to honor someone you love and who acts violently is to take away the opportunity to continue sinlessly and do more harm with your anger.
Protecting yourself in this case is not selfish, it is actually a loving thing. It is not loving to allow someone to continue unchallenged in sin. It is a love of the perpetrator to clearly reveal his sin and its consequences, because sin is destructive both for the sinner and for the sinner against whom he has sinned. Minimizing or ignoring sin is not a biblical submission. We can address fear in this practical way by explaining the dynamics of abuse and teaching divine ways to seek protection, but we also need to address your heart of fear.
Addressing the Heart of Fear
First listen with compassion, clarify the problems, and hear their screams. You are oppressed, confused and fearful. They were insulted, slandered, treated with malice and malice and slandered. Victims may fear telling the truth. You may have been threatened or do not want to be in trouble. They don't want the authorities to interfere. It sounds like a mess. Your first job is to simply listen with compassion and then guess the right fear just to repeat it again – fear is not wrong in itself. There is a reasonable and demanding fear that sees others' unsafe or evil actions and deliberately avoids them.
We have already seen that Jesus withdrew in times of danger. There is a real fear, but there is also a fear that God forgets. When fear forgets God, speak comfort. This situation in 1 Thessalonians 5:14 is the situation "encourage the weak and help the weak".
In her fear of further betrayal or abuse, Jane thought God was distant and uninvolved. In her eyes, her husband was tall and God was small. She needed confirmation that she was in the middle of her darkness, God speaks to her – no harsh and condemning words like her husband's, as if his arms were crossed in rejection and disappointment. God is not like that. God's arms are wide open and he speaks to her in love, comfort, help, hope, truth and beauty. God's Word gently whispers to the frightened souls: "Peace, be quiet. Stop striving and know that I am God."
When I met Jane, her fear had forgotten God. She lived and revered protection and security. Her heart was controlled by this idol and not by Christ – who looked small, loveless, loveless and powerless. Her heart believes in things like this: "I have to control my circumstances so that I am not scared or hurt. I deserve a loving husband. I do not deserve a common man. I deserve to be safe. I have to have what I deserve, otherwise I cannot be happy. I have to have what I deserve, otherwise God is not good. I have to have what I deserve, otherwise I will not obey God. "
Her security idol made her react fearfully to her circumstances by godlessly seeking comfort and relief. Now it is good to wish to be safe and to have a husband who expresses love rather than anger. But like any desire, if we want it too much, it becomes an idol and we sin to get it, and sin when we can't get it. That is exactly what happened here.
We want to bring them back to the point where Christ's love actually controls them instead of their idol controlling them. In 2 Corinthians 5: 14-15 it says: “Because the love of Christ controls us because we have concluded from it: that one died for all, therefore all died; and he died for all, so that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for those who died and were raised for their sake. "
When fear forgets God, we want to help her reconnect with the Lord. In a beloved hymn it says: "If we keep our eyes on Jesus, you look fully into his wonderful face, and the things of the earth [the things that we fear] become strangely dark in the light of his glory and grace."
Reconnect an anxious person to the Lord
There are many ways to reconnect an anxious person to the Lord. These are some suggested methods that I've used with Jane. You can have other or better ones.
First I turned them to God with the psalms. I used Psalm 56. I said to her, “Think about how David brought his fear to God. As he writes in Psalm 56, David honestly opens his heart to God and tells him all about the terrible circumstances that he experiences through those who seek his harm. He remembers God's ways. He remembers that God sees. He remembers that God knows about his suffering. He remembers that God's favor is with him. He says, "I know that God is for me." And David makes a clear announcement to his God: "I trust in God and I'm not afraid." David understood that God can be trusted to do what he says he will do. "And Jane can trust him too.
Tell your lawyer: "You are not alone. God is with you. God is for you. You can tell your father God all of your fears, all of your sufferings, and all of your problems, just as David did because he cares about you. And when you do that, you go in the light of life. “She can confess and repent to God as she did not believe these truths.
"God, I did not believe that you were with me. I did not believe that you were with me. I am sorry, Lord, please forgive me and help me. Help me to believe."
When I read something in the Bible, I think differently from what I just read. What's this? Doubt.
You can have honest doubts that this is not a sin, so make a difference there. If you doubt God when you talk to God about it, it is honest doubt. But often our doubts and unbelief speak to God about other people – “God is not good to me. God is not kind to me. God doesn't love me. God doesn't care about my situation. God is not there. “It's all about God. When your lawyer talks to God about their doubts, they write psalms and that's a good thing.
Use books that help her trust God. Trusting in God from Jerry Bridges and when people are big and God is small are great.
God actually controls every molecule in the universe at all times. He rules from his kindness. Nobody can prevent God's good intentions for them.
Emphasize Jesus' understanding of the suffering of evil people. We are often consoled only when someone understands. If someone else has gone through and understands the same thing. Jesus understands. And he doesn't understand with a sad, sinful heart. He understands perfectly.
Hebrews 2: 17-18 states: “Therefore, he had to be made like his brothers in every way so that he became a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God to reconcile the sins of men. Because because he suffered when he was tried, he can help those who are tried. "
In Hebrews 4: 15-16 it says: “We do not have a high priest who is not able to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tried in every way as we are, and yet without Sin. Then let us approach the throne of grace with confidence so that we can receive grace and find grace to help in times of need. "
Hebrews 12: 3 states: "Look at the one who has endured such hostility towards himself from sinners so that you do not become tired or feeble-minded." This is relevant in a situation of domestic abuse – Jesus understands it really.
Highlight his constant presence. He doesn't just understand, he's actually with you. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Do not be afraid, because I am with you; Do not be dismayed because I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will support you with my just right hand. "
In Psalm 16 the psalmist writes: “I have always put the Lord before me; because he is on my right, I will not be shaken. “Highlight his presence and highlight his strength. He doesn't just understand, he's not just with you – he's actually almighty. You can go to Ephesians 1:18. Here Paul prays that the people of Ephesus understand what the greatness of His power over us that we believe is.
Emphasize his care. Not only is he understanding and powerful, he also takes care of it. In 1 Peter 5: 6-7 it says: “Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, so that he may raise you up at the right time and throw all your fears on him because he cares about you.” This passage is about also about Satan: "Your opponent, the devil, roams around." This could be a helpful thing to get them to do this, because that's how they feel – they'll sneak on.
Emphasize His Justice. He doesn't just care about it, he's just. He'll pay back one day and all bugs will be fixed. Consider what God says in Luke 18: 7-8: “And will God not do justice to his chosen ones who cry out to him day and night? Will he wait a long time for her? I tell you, he will do them justice quickly. "
The second Thessalonians 1: 6-9 is a fascinating passage in which it says: “Since God really only considers it questionable to repay those who press you with distress and you who are just as affected as we grant relief when the Lord Jesus is revealed with his mighty angels in the blazing fire from heaven and takes revenge on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. You will suffer the punishment of eternal destruction, away from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his power. "
That is powerful. God is just, he is not joking. Do you realize that nobody ever gets away with anything? Either Jesus died for it and took it on the cross and has already paid for it, or people will take it to eternal judgment.
Train for Just Answers
While we are helping her to renew her relationship with Jesus, we also need to do some other things. We need to train her to know her biblical responsibilities well so that she can do the right thing even in crises. If marriage is like this, there are many crises and sometimes they are very worrying – and remember that it was so confused. She didn't really understand what was going on. She thought she was crazy. We have to train them in righteous answers.
I worked in the intensive care unit for several years. As a nurse in the intensive care unit, we are trained to watch cardiac monitors. There is supposed to be a little bug that shows heart activity, and we're watching the monitors all the time. If we see something on the monitor that is going flat, we are trained to do something about it. We are not sitting there. There is no time for fear. There's no time to go, "Oh no." We are trained – we go in and do a precordial punch, we call a code, we get help, we start CPR, etc.
I had to do this a few times and it's a scary situation, but we were trained in how to react.
You must train her to do the right thing because she is in situations that are very fearful and do not know what to do. How are you going to do that You will do that through role playing. She will have it repeated. Sie wird es dir nächste Woche beibringen lassen, bis es einfach automatisch wird. Sie muss typische Szenarien aufschreiben, mit denen sie sich befasst, und sie dann darin schulen, wie sie reagieren soll. Sie können der Ehemann sein, oder sie kann der Ehemann sein – machen Sie es einfach rot. Rollenspiel die Situation, bis sie es hat.
In dieser Grafik repräsentiert der innere Kreis unsere Verantwortung. Der äußere Kreis repräsentiert Dinge, die mich betreffen, aber sie liegen nicht in meiner Verantwortung, weil ich nichts dagegen tun kann. Sie sind jenseits meiner Möglichkeiten. Sie sind Gottes Aufgabe.
Wir werden über diesen inneren Kreis sprechen und darüber, sie in gehorsamen Reaktionsgewohnheiten zu trainieren. Was sind ihre Aufgaben?
Sie kann lernen, richtig zu handeln, auch wenn sie Angst hat. In 1. Petrus 3:16 heißt es: „Ein gutes Gewissen haben, damit diejenigen, die dein gutes Benehmen in Christus verleumden, beschämt werden, wenn du verleumdet wirst.“ Wir können sie trainieren, sich auch mitten in der Schmähung gut zu benehmen.
Der Mittelpunkt unseres Kreises ist, wie wir immer sagen können, die Herrlichkeit Gottes in ihrer Situation zu zeigen. Gottes Absicht für uns alle, die wir ihn kennen, ist es, wie Christus zu werden, Gott zu gefallen, die gute Nachricht zu verbreiten, Gott zu verherrlichen.
Und was wir in unseren Situationen leiden, ändert diesen Zweck nicht wirklich. Es unterscheidet sich nicht von dem, wofür wir geschaffen wurden. Was Gott uns souverän erlaubt hat, ändert nichts an unserer Absicht, Gott zu verherrlichen. Gott ist mittendrin. Er arbeitet zu unserem Besten und wir möchten ihr helfen, herauszufinden, wie sie Gott in ihrer Situation verherrlichen kann. Planen Sie zunächst kluge Reaktionen auf Manipulation und Unterdrückung. In den Sprüchen 26, 4-5 heißt es: „Antworte keinem Narren nach seiner Torheit, damit du nicht wie er selbst bist. Antworte einem Narren nach seiner Torheit, damit er in seinen eigenen Augen nicht weise ist. “ Wir wollen nicht, dass sie so ist wie er.
Zuerst gibt uns Petrus 2:21 Christus als Beispiel. “Er hat keine Sünde begangen, und es wurde auch kein Betrug in seinem Mund gefunden. Als er beschimpft wurde, beschimpfte er nicht im Gegenzug; Als er litt, drohte er nicht, sondern vertraute sich weiterhin dem an, der gerecht urteilt. “ Er hat uns ein Beispiel hinterlassen, als er beschimpft wurde. Dies bedeutet nicht nur, dass sie nichts getan hat, es bedeutet, dass sie Gott gefolgt ist.
Bringe ihr bei, in diesen schwierigen Situationen zu fragen: "Kann ich etwas dagegen tun, ohne zu sündigen?" Und wenn ja, listen Sie es in ihrem Kreis auf und helfen Sie ihr, durchzukommen. Es kann sehr schwierig sein zu wissen, wie man gut auf manipulative Menschen reagiert. Manipulation ist im Grunde genommen Betrug und es ist schwer zu wissen, wie man manchmal darauf reagiert. Da Manipulation Betrug ist, ist das Gegenmittel die Wahrheit.
Du musst die Situation, der sie begegnet, nehmen und die Wahrheit Gottes in sie aufnehmen, damit sie klug, demütig, gnädig und wahrheitsgemäß reagieren kann.
Überlegen Sie sich bestimmte Wahrheitserklärungen, mit denen sie auf seine Manipulationsbemühungen reagieren kann. Ich würde eine Broschüre namens Manipulation von Lou Priolo empfehlen, die eine hilfreiche Ressource ist, um einige dieser Dinge durchzuarbeiten. Auch Friedensstifter von Ken Sande haben einige kluge Möglichkeiten, um zu reagieren.
Sie können ihr auch beibringen, wie man auf einen wütenden Mann reagiert. Epheser 4:15 weist uns an, „die Wahrheit in Liebe zu sagen“. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Teach communication and peacemaking concepts with role play. Go through typical scenarios in her situation and teach her how to answer wisely.
How does that sound? For example, if her husband asks an accusing question, she can say, “Well, I’m not ready to answer that accusation right now. Let me take some time and think about it.”
For episodes of anger, she can say something like, “I’m sorry. I have a hard time listening to you when you’re yelling at me. But what you have to say is important to me and I hope we can talk about it at some other time.”
Help her to respond with wise, gentle—confrontational in a sense—answers.
Second Timothy 1:7 says, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”
Also in her circle of responsibility is to respond humbly. There’s no way you can go wrong when you’re being humble. When in doubt, follow Matthew 7:1-5, confess your own sins. Confession is not for sin that has been falsely accused by the perpetrator. You don’t want her to be confessing things she actually hasn’t done, because that would be lying. She can certainly confess things she has done, and she needs to be willing to consider if there’s any truth in what he’s saying. If there is, she can confess that. But she is not required by God to confess things she hasn’t done, which is oftentimes what her abuser wants her to do.
Next, she should seek to overcome evil with good. How does that look in her situation? It always looks like praying for him. Make out a specific prayer list based on Scripture that she can pray for her husband. I think of the beatitudes; pray that he becomes poor in spirit, pray that he becomes merciful, pray that he becomes a peacemaker, pray that he hungers and thirsts for righteousness, that he becomes meek.
Another way for her to overcome evil with good is to evangelize. Obviously if he’s not a believer, she’s evangelizing him by continuing to do what’s right, even when he’s doing what’s wrong. I had a situation once that was a very difficult one with a gal who was quite abusive to me. And I remember crying out to God for help with her, “God please just give me a spirit that does not get angry at her in return.” She would accuse me of things. She was so angry and so miserable and I was really struggling, but I tried to hold the line and she did eventually come back and say, “I cannot believe that you didn’t get angry at me back. I cannot believe that you were so kind to me when I was so mean to you.” We don’t always know the effects of our actions. We can be kind and they can go on and rant and rave, and you have no idea the power of returning good for evil—the power that can be by God’s grace.
If her husband does not know the Lord and he dies in his sins, he will spend eternity in hell. That fact can help her to have compassion on her husband who is so ensnared by sin. She can evangelize him with her chaste and respectful life.
Her circle of responsibility also includes following through in the Matthew 18 and the Romans 13 processes when appropriate.
And then you can bring her through James 1—the right response to trials. She’s to take joy in what God is accomplishing through it. Not that the trial is fun, not that it’s good behavior. What’s happening to her is evil and wicked. She can take joy in what God is doing. Pray for wisdom how to respond. Know that everybody goes through trials and that perseverance brings blessings. Don’t blame God, blame man for his sin. Praise God for His grace here in receiving the Word. Don’t be angry at what God tells you to do. Es ist schwer. In fact so many of the things God tells us to do our impossible without grace. Without his power working through you, we can’t do these things. Do what the Word says. These principles from James 1 are all things she’s called to do in her circle of responsibility. She can be trained in counseling by the Word of God and the Spirit of God to do these things.
The outer circle represents the fact that we have to learn to trust God for things that we don’t control—things that concern us, but we cannot control. Sometimes in difficult situations we are really tempted to expand our circle into God’s job. We want to control it. And so we seek to control those things in sinful ways sometimes. That’s what Jane was doing. Control was an idol for her and she was willing to disobey God in some ways to get control. When that inner circle is expanding in her heart, and she loves safety and must have it, she will be filled with fear. Because you get fearful when you’re trying really hard to control something, but you can’t. You get this tunnel vision—seeing people as bigger than God.
Again, it’s not wrong to want to be loved and secure and safe. These are godly desires, but she was not seeing in her circle and she was not trusting God for the outcome of her obedience.
In counseling, I taught Jane what the Bible says about her responsibilities. After you take care of your inner circle, protecting you is God’s job. He will protect you in whatever way he desires.
To give you some very practical help I have put in the notes some specific homework I used with Jane to help her deal with her fears in an ongoing way. The first thing is data-gathering—find out what she’s fearing. What does she think is going to happen? What are the bad things? What are the good things she feels she won’t get? What keeps her awake when she can’t sleep? What’s so important that she’s fearing to lose? What fears does she have regarding the other people? The safety of her kids are a really big fear usually in this kind of situation. And then what are your “what ifs”? Rate each of those fears on a continuum—from concerned to panic. That tells you how important those things are in her heart.
And then in each fear that she wrote down I had her discern, “Well Jane, what are you responsible for? And what is God’s job?” You can help her walk through that. For example, one of her really big fears was “I’m worried about the kids.” Which is a great fear actually, and was appropriate for that situation. Her responsibility in that fear was to protect them in the godly ways we just discussed— to get help from the church and the government and flee when necessary. To not leave them with the abuser. What is God’s job? Their ultimate safety is up to the Lord. “It’s not my job to make absolutely sure they are never hurt in any way.” The results of her obedient, responsible care are left up to God. But she does have a lot of responsibilities in that.
And then begin a journal. Journaling is always good homework to help her become aware of what types of things she was getting fearful about, how many times that was happening, and so forth. I had her lay her fears before God using Psalm 56 and then take thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. This is a big issue in fear, to replace wrong, inaccurate thinking with right thinking. That is so important.
I counseled Jane using the Old Testament example of Lamentations 3. It’s a great passage for teaching how to change your thoughts. We believe it’s Jeremiah that wrote Lamentations and he’s writing in agony of heart. He is pouring out his heart before God and he says, “my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.'”
But then after he penned these words, something happens. Jeremiah begins to think carefully. And he begins to think on truth—he instructs himself with things he knows to be true about God. He says, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.”
Martyn Lloyd Jones writes this, “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?” The problem is a lot of times we listen to ourselves. We need to stop listening to ourselves and start talking to ourselves. That’s what Jeremiah is doing here, as he says, “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'”
Two verses ago he didn’t have hope. But now he does because he’s counseling himself. His attitude completely shifts. I would recommend you use Lamentations 3 when you are helping your counselee put off wrong thinking and put on right thinking. 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”
What sort of thoughts is that verse referring to as arguments and lofty opinions? Perhaps thoughts like, “This is too hard for me. God is not good to allow this to happen. I can’t take this anymore.”
The last thought, “I can’t take this anymore,” drove Jane to a suicide attempt, which was almost successful. She was in the ICU for several days. I worked with Jane to take very thought captive. She became aware of her wrong thoughts and chose to deny them and begin to dwell on truth. Moment by moment, she began replacing her fearful thoughts. She had good success with that.
I made it practical, with homework assignments like, “Give me three examples this week when you were able to put off wrong thoughts and put on right thinking.”
I helped Jane deal with her “what ifs.” What ifs are not true, so they violate Philippians 4:8. What else do the “what ifs” never include? God! “What if God uses this for good?” You don’t hear people saying that. You want to help them change their “what ifs” to “even ifs.”
Even if my worst case scenario happens, even if my kids get hurt, what is still true about God? She has to know what is true about God from Scripture to put that thought on. He’s still for me, He’s still not against me. I told her to pray for deliverance and relief from whatever circumstance was triggering her fear, but always do so with an attitude of yielding to God’s care in confidence that He knows what He’s doing.
And then grow in knowing God by studying His attributes. God’s attributes will be good “put on” thoughts for fear. I showed Jane that the grid through which she was looking at life was twisting the way she thought about God. Because her husband was big and God was small, she said things like, “My husband is mean, therefore God doesn’t care. My husband might hurt me, therefore God isn’t powerful. My husband isn’t godly, therefore God is not good.” She was looking at life through this grid. I encouraged her to flip the grid, and say, “Because God is good, therefore when my husband does that, God still loves me and He’s going to work it out for good. Because God is powerful, my husband can’t do anything to me that God doesn’t allow. And even if God allows it, His character is still true.” We’re really talking about focusing on God instead of experiences or circumstances.
Have your counselee study Scriptures that address fear, worry, and anxiety. Some you can study with your counselee are 2 Timothy 1:7, Philippians 4:6-9, 1 Peter 5:6-7, 1 John 4: 7-21, Matthew 10:28-31, Psalm 131, and Psalm 46.
Philippians 4:6-9 really sums up a lot of what we have said about counseling fear. It talks about praying—that’s a response of trusting God with His responsibilities. It talks about thinking rightly, which is ground zero for someone with fear. Then it tells us to take right action.
Lastly, I just want to highlight memorizing Psalm 55:22. That verse became Jane’s go-to verse. It says,
“Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.”
She had been shaken and she learned to become confident in the Lord. The end of the story is that Jane grew in understanding and trusting Christ. Joe eventually confessed that he was not a believer, and he left the marriage and filed for divorce rather than turning to the Lord. Jane was counseled to let the unbeliever leave according to 1 Corinthians 7. Jane eventually got remarried to a godly man, and they are serving together in their church.