“Grief doesn't change you, Hazel. It reveals you. “
– John Green, The mistake in our stars
Sarah pulls her black blouse over her head and tries not to smear her carefully painted make-up. The dark circles have settled under her swollen blue eyes and she dabs another layer of cover over them. She brushes her hair, which is neglected and the color fades. The roots reveal her 52 years and she covers it with a spray that is the deceptive color of her youth.
But none of this matters. Her father died. Alone. Without family nearby. You will now gather to pay tribute to a man who was everything to you. A man who taught her how to throw and fish a softball. A man who showed her what she expected from a partner by loving his wife completely. Her mother grieves from afar. Phone calls, Facetime and Amazon packages bridge the miles – and social distance. No, nobody will make sure that Sarah stays comfortably in her jeans. Not really. Nobody will notice when she leans on her couch on a pillow with her laptop and taps the "Start Meeting" button.
Rituals, monuments, and funerals provide opportunities for those who survive death to mourn. "We know that burials are at least 60,000 BC. Dating and since every culture and civilization was buried, ”says grief counselor and educator Alan Wolfelt in the National Funeral Directors Association resource, 8 discussion points for funeral homes, crematoriums, cemeteries, and other caregivers. “Funerals help us recognize death, honor the person who died, and support each other. In other words, funerals help us grieve well and take us on a healthy path to healing. "
Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transfer in Fort Collins, Colorado, also advises finding ways to be with the body after death. Many funeral homes and crematoriums find ways to spend time with the deceased in the immediate family. A funeral home created a period of time in which family members can sit individually with the body. Another funeral home lives the time when the family can be with the body.
The novel corona virus that causes COVID-19 has changed the way we do many things in our daily lives. The need for social distancing has resulted in virtual meetings replacing physical gatherings. Zoom conferences can be cumbersome, and online happy hour is not as satisfactory as hanging out with friends in your neighborhood bar. Losing a certain type of face-to-face meeting, however, was completely devastating: mourning rituals. Grief is experienced in community support, often with hugs and handshakes. Now some clergymen and rabbis are making house calls armed with sacred texts, masks and hand sanitizers. However, it is not possible for larger groups of mourners to gather. The last rest rituals that many faith communities have observed for centuries have changed significantly. For example, during Shiva's Jewish mourning tradition, families, friends and the extended community offer solace by condolences. This condolence now takes place over the phone and via live streaming. Traditional Catholic funeral masses are now only broadcast live with the immediate family and in compliance with the six-foot rule. The physical contact that is so important in the grieving process is absent.
Meetings of immediate family members and friends are also restricted. According to Susan Coale, a clinical social worker and director of the Chesapeake Life Center in Pasadena, Maryland, even if people can gather after the death of a loved one, there is a limit of 10 people – including the funeral director and all other presiding religious figures such as Priest, pastor, rabbi or imam.
"COVID-19 has complicated individual grief and grief and loss in the community," says Coale. Failure to participate in death and mourning rituals can lead to ambiguous losses that can complicate the mourning process and leave numerous unanswered questions, she explains.
According to the family therapist and clinical psychologist Pauline Boss, who coined the term, an ambiguous loss occurs when there is no conclusion or when questions related to the death of a loved one remain unanswered. This can occur when people cannot be with the body or in the community. It is therefore important to find ways in which families can get in touch with relatives. Coale says some families try to get in touch with loved ones through window visits or phone calls at the end of their lives.
People need community support in times of loss. Numerous technological resources have emerged to fill the gap created by the inability to assemble in person. For example, grief support groups such as the Living with Loss of the Chesapeake Life Center are offered online. The Life Center is attached to the Chesapeake Hospice, but is available to anyone in the community who grieves, whether or not they use hospice services.
Thanatechnology sites like Caring Bridge provide a virtual space to mourn in the community. However, we must always be aware of the differences in both the availability of technology and the understanding of its use. Not everyone can – or wants – to replace personal grief with technology.
Coale has started to provide their customers with guided images that contain detailed descriptions of physical touch. It lets customers imagine the specific details of a hugging experience. The warmth of the arms wrapped itself around the person. The tickling of the arm hair. The scent of the body. The brain reacts to images in a similar way to a real experience, and Coale uses this phenomenon to offer “hug images”.
Dealing with losses during COVID-19
Grief can be an isolating experience, and now it is more important than ever to have strategies to keep in touch with family and friends. We can still be together while watching the physical distance and small group constraints.
Connect
Check in with each other by calling, texting, or using a webcam or social media, and don't forget the virtual hug! This does not require an in-depth conversation. Just a reminder that you are thinking of the person and when you are isolated, you are not alone.
Deliver food or groceries while watching physical distance. Send a care package or shop online to ship items. Many restaurants offer takeaway meals and Amazon and Instacart deliver groceries directly.
Observing virtual rituals
Offer or participate in virtual group burials, burials, and monuments. It is important to honor the lives of our loved ones and to experience this in community. While the number of people that can be physically assembled is limited, we can use technology to hold larger gatherings that include friends and extended family members. Photos and memories can be posted on virtual platforms and viewed by many to celebrate the life of the loved one.
Plan a personal memorial when there are no guidelines for physical distance. Sometimes creating can be reassuring, even if the end result is delayed. Plan the monument in great detail – it should take place after the travel and distance restrictions have been lifted.
Seeking support and professional help
Bereavement is available. Many providers offer their services by phone or webcam. You don't have to carry this burden alone. There are virtual self-help groups and individual advice.
Find out more about online services and support from religious communities. Religious communities offer innovative alternatives to traditional worship.
This is a difficult time, made difficult by the inability to participate in traditional rituals and activities for death and grief. However, we are a resilient people who are able to innovate if we can find creative ways to connect in times of grief.
"As many challenges as the pandemic brings, it illuminates the hard things that make us grow … and gives us as individuals and communities the opportunity to do something," says Coale.
People are deliberately involved in how they connect. Some families rediscover family time. There are many things to be thankful for in this unprecedented time. People are complex and resilient and we have the ability to experience grief and gratitude at the same time.
Further reading:
Consulting Expert: Thanatechnology – Grief and Loss in a Digital World
Counselor: Children and Grief
Mourning: Going beyond Death and Stages
Mourning for everyday losses
****
Cheryl Fisher
Cheryl Fisher is a licensed clinical professional advisor in private practice in Annapolis, Maryland. She is the director and assistant professor for the online MA in clinical counseling at the Alliant International University California School of Professional Psychology. Her research interests include studying sexuality and spirituality in young women with advanced breast cancer; nature-informed therapy; and geek therapy. She can be contacted at [email protected].
****
It should not be assumed that opinions and statements in articles that appear on CT Online reflect the opinions of the publishers or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
