“Love is our true fate. We don't find the meaning of life alone – we find it in someone else. "~ Thomas Merton
Seth: When Aria and I decided to encourage each other for a year, we couldn't know what these twelve months were up to.
I had always had good health – more precisely, "assuming it was good health" – and suddenly I was faced with major health problems of unknown origin. Countless trips to the doctor and specialist doctor have not explained my chronically weak energy, nighttime insomnia, digestive problems, voice problems and finally a deep depression.
In happier times two years ago, I attended Aria's wedding in Northumberland, England. It was an incredible weekend – foggy morning walks in a labyrinth, pounding rain on the roof of the old stone church while exchanging vows, meals together on a long wooden table in the long light of the afternoon. We both felt that our hearts were so open and it was easy to focus our attention on what was really important to us.
The day after the ceremony, we marveled at the deep connection that we experienced throughout the weekend. Given the circumstances and the explicit focus on love, this was of course not entirely surprising. But if it were possible, why couldn't we promote this quality of presence and openness in our daily life?
This common question led us to our many years of cooperation in the search for the sacred in everyday life. For a whole calendar year, we wrote each other every day and pressed ourselves to get in touch with what was important to us. We took turns – Aria sent me one mindfulness exercise one day and I sent him the next.
Aria : During the year I had a surreal realization with deep clarity. Everything that mattered – everything that was really important – was relational: my wife, our families, our dog and our friends. These were the cornerstones of my happiness. Everything else – work, money, reputation – seemed like a game. They were fun, but not a matter of life or death.
Seth's messages reminded me that we sometimes get lost in the game. We delve so deeply into the narrative that we forget that it's just a story. It's like living in the matrix. The game seems to be more important than anything else, as if it were the center of our universe.
Then every now and then we win this beautiful, delicate, precious thing called perspective and sigh in relief. We breathe in quietly and deeply, connect with ourselves on a deeper level and at the same time with something even bigger.
This perspective is sometimes associated with costs. The loss of a loved one or the pain of a reality that we do not want to accept can force us to do so.
The year we wrote each other was challenging in many ways, from working with children with terminal cancer to the terrorist attacks near London to unexpected deaths. But there were also highlights, one of which was my first ultra marathon in South Africa. Wherever we were in the world and whatever happened in our lives, waking up to a mindful message from Seth was profound and uplifting.
Seth: Aria's messages were a constant lifeline during the difficulties of this year and offered at least daily the opportunity to check my automatic reactions to difficulties and to return to the center.
I particularly remember how I went home one evening after work, disappeared from the day and felt like I had nothing more to give my wife and children when I got home. I was afraid of exposing my family to my bad mood and the person I would become.
As I struggled up a gentle hill in the dark, I remembered Aria's encouragement that day – to focus on the traits we want to embody in our interactions with others. I chose love, joy and strength and realized that the evening did not have to be a complete loss. It was a positive time for the people I love instead of the sad mess I feared.
Aria : It was particularly comforting to receive a thoughtful message from someone who was very interested in you. Knowing that someone else is keeping you in mind is profoundly powerful, especially when you're having trouble.
Sometimes it is difficult to feel the sunlight. We can see the sun shining, but the rays don't seem to touch us. We know intellectually that we have to be thankful for many things in life, but we cannot feel it.
During this time Seth helped me to understand that life should be experienced rather than solved. There is no way we should feel. Our moods are fading, sometimes quickly, sometimes slower. All things change. Recognizing this fact gave me the freedom to still act without my behavior changing my feeling.
We can all take steps without tying our luck to a “successful outcome”. We can return to the basic pillars of well-being: healthy eating, good sleep, meditation, checking in to the present moment and connection to the people we love. We can feed and let go of all expectations. We can remember that what will be and everything will be fine at the same time.
Over the course of the twelve months in which we wrote each other, our relationship has grown and deepened. Knowing that a friend depends on me was a big responsibility, but it also made sense for my own life.
It was not always easy: In the beginning, I spent hours writing the next email to Seth. At the end of a long or hard day, sitting down to write was perhaps one of the last things my mind wanted to do. Afterwards, I felt a little bit more like doing sports. Ironically, serving another person has nurtured my own mind and body. We gain something by giving. Writing to Seth connected me to what I appreciate most: compassion, authenticity and love.
Seth: If you have a greater connection to your core self and the people and things that are important to you, there are many options. Common approaches include prayer, reading sacred texts or a daily devotional book, as well as mindfulness practices such as yoga or sitting meditation.
Whichever approach you choose, consider partnering with someone you love for a period of time: a month, six months, a year, even longer. It could be a best friend, a spouse or partner, a sibling – someone you implicitly trust.
Talk to your loved one about what each of you want to focus on during the process. We decided on topics such as presence, simplicity and service in advance. How should the other person encourage you? What types of memories do you find most helpful?
Decide together on a format to encourage each other in your mindfulness practice. For example, you can send each other meaningful quotes, reflections for the day, an invitation to use mindfulness in a particular area, or whatever you want. You can also consider doing a sitting meditation together – a so-called "Medidat".
Whatever you choose, let it not only nurture your individual and spiritual practice, but also the quality of your connection to your loved one. Whatever joys and struggles you experience together, your relationship will never be the same.
About Seth J. Gillihan and Aria Campbell-Danesh
Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice. He is the author of The CBT Deck and co-author of A Mindful Year and blogs for Psychology Today and WebMD. Dr. Gillihan also hosts the weekly Think Act Be podcast with talks about a wider life. Find him online on his website and get his free guide, "10 Ways to Deal With Stress and Anxiety Every Day" when you sign up for his newsletter.
Dr. Aria Campbell-Danesh is a doctor in clinical psychology and an expert in the fields of behavior change and long-term health (dr-aria.com). A mindfulness specialist and creator of the F.I.T. Method, he works internationally with clients about their mindset, exercise and diet. He is featured regularly in popular publications like Men’s Health and Marie Claire. Dr. Aria is an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society and a Senior Associate Member of the Royal Society of Medicine.
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