“Cut yourself a little loose. You're doing better than you think "~ Unknown
Your stomach is tied in knots.
Another crisis has occurred and everyone expects you to have the answers and to be the leader. Also, you can't blame them for believing you should have all the answers. But you just don't.
Even though you look calm on the outside, you are a tangle of nerves and fear on the inside, and someone who is afraid will expose you as the deceit you feel.
In the past you were able to pull a rabbit out of your hat to save the day, but it was just leeches. It wasn't because of something special you did, things just fell together at the right time. To be honest, you doubt you can do a trick like this again.
Your shoulders are so tired to bear the weight of all expectations that you are sure that at any moment everything will collapse. The thought of the end of the world worries you so much that it keeps you up at night.
Many of us know all too well to feel like a cheat. When faced with a challenge or a new opportunity opens up, our minds quickly fill with fearful thoughts rather than facing the task.
I remember being so full of fear and fear that I would be afraid of going to work on Monday, the previous Thursday. This of course completely ruined my weekend and kept me in a cycle of fear, self-doubt and worry.
Being in this constant state of negative emotions caused weekly migraines that lasted two to three days. Living in fear affected my work-life balance and my health. After mastering the situation for as long as possible, I decided that this wasn't the way I wanted to live my life.
If you have ever felt that your emotions were permanently negative and wished you could get out of this cycle of fear, read on. I have some tips for you.
Welcome to the club
With negative emotions you often feel alone, as if nobody understands what you are going through or why. This will keep you ashamed even though you already feel isolated and like a complete failure.
Have you ever noticed how a negative emotion can bring you more of it, until you're just a pile of sadness and depression?
For an unfortunate few, you may even have someone in your life who seems to have it all and puts your flaws into focus.
According to a study by psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Gail Matthews, around 70 percent of the population feel like a cheater (also known as impostor syndrome) at some point in their life.
That means that right now almost everyone around you feels like they don't know what they are doing, as if they do not deserve what they are doing, and they are afraid that it will be exposed as a scam.
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It is normal to doubt yourself. Everyone fights against the little voice in their head and tells them, "You are not good enough."
In fact, it's not strange not to feel unsafe.
A dose of uncertainty is good for the soul
Everyone has areas of their life in which they feel unsafe. It's a natural part of the human experience.
Which it turns out could be a good thing since only about 1 percent of us have no fears or insecurities at all. The clinical term for such people is "psychopath".
A healthy dose (the small amount that won't stop you from living and enjoying life) self-doubt actually helps you regulate yourself and your interactions with other people. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist, notes that "we doubt ourselves in order to examine ourselves". Self-doubt helps us adapt our behavior to social norms.
Have you ever noticed that you feel a bit out of whack or feel insecure when faced with a new situation, place, event, or people? It is your body's defense mechanism that protects you from danger under unusual circumstances. This is a quality found in every organism that helps it stay safe and alive.
Self-doubt can even lead to the fact that we look inward and are motivated to carry out the necessary work for improvement and change.
Self-doubt is not all bad. The key is to keep it at a healthy level.
But what do you do when the self-doubts, fears and fears that you feel are more than recommended by doctors? How can you prevent these emotions from being overdosed?
1. Wallow in your feelings.
The first step is to acknowledge your feelings.
It won't work if you bury your emotions and hope that you just let them go. Never in history has it helped anyone to ignore feelings. In fact, the exact opposite appears to be the case.
But out of shame or ignorance we continue to play down and overlook our feelings. Why not try something else as this won't work? Why don't you give yourself permission to feel your feelings?
What's the worst that can happen?
Hold on to your feelings and examine what is causing them. If you are feeling inadequate, ask yourself why what is causing this emotion. When you experience fear and self-doubt, ask where it is from. What exactly are you afraid of?
Drill down to the root cause. Is it something someone said Is it an unrealistic expectation that you have of yourself? Is it an actual fear of something tangible? Is it a fear of something immaterial? Maybe the fear isn't even yours, but something projected onto you by a well-meaning "friend".
By dissolving your emotions in this way, you will find the cause. And once you find the root cause of the problem, it becomes much easier to come up with a solution.
2. Check your pride on the door.
This next step requires a little humility.
After investigating the cause of your negative feelings, try to find out how you are helping to make yourself feel this way and what you can do to change the situation.
It is easy to ascribe all of our problems to someone or something else. While it lets us off the hook, it also puts us in the mind of the victim, where things happen to us and we are powerless to do anything about it.
The truth is, sometimes the fault lies with us.
For example, you have noticed that you feel inadequate at work because your boss keeps belittling the reports you send. Is it possible that your boss is right and your reports actually need work?
Or maybe you are afraid of being exposed as a fraud because you have a skills or knowledge gap?
If you feel inadequate in a certain area, is there a valid reason you are? Looking at the situation objectively, is there any way you can improve?
Don't get me wrong now. It is not in every scenario that you create your own self-doubt. There are some people who enjoy tearing other people's self-esteem to pieces.
However, I have found that the circumstances of my negative emotions mostly improve when I can (or cannot) do something a little differently.
3. Dear diary, it won't cut it.
I am all in favor of writing in a diary. It's a great exercise that helps me get out of my head. After a stressful day at work, nothing feels better than coming home to do a brain dump in my diary. I write the good, the bad, and the ugly without a filter. And no judgment.
Studies have shown that journaling helps patients who suffer from depression and anxiety disorders. It even helps with stress management. Journaling is an excellent way to identify negative thought patterns and gain self-confidence. Writing in a journal is a great way to let go of pent-up feelings. Who does not want that?
If it's that great, what's the problem?
Many of us no longer just write about our fears or the shitty day we had. But we need to go deeper to actually come up with a plan that addresses our insecurities. Journaling helps you find out what (or who) is triggering your negative thinking process. Now that you've dealt with the triggers, it's time to find out more about how to get rid of them.
Maybe I just love putting together a good plan, but every time I do that I find that my mood improves. I believe this is because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know the end is in sight instead of just stumbling around and hoping that things magically change.
4. Stop spreading your shortcomings.
I had a friend who felt quite insecure because of his lack of education. He once asked me if I was ashamed that he was not very intelligent.
I was surprised because his question came out of the blue. I found he was intelligent and well spoken. I've never noticed his lack of education. We had great conversations and he taught me things I hadn't been exposed to before. I honestly didn't know where his insecurities were coming from.
But do you know what happened after that? I started to see where the cracks were. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't pointed it out.
Everyone is concerned about their own problems and shortcomings. You are probably not even aware of what you consider to be your obvious shortcomings. And if they don't see it, why tell them about it?
What is the purpose of sharing your shortcomings? What do you hope to gain from it? Are you trying to subvert yourself?
If you are looking for security or support, definitely share. But if you are only pointing out your shortcomings because you assume they are obvious to other people, think again.
5. Just be yourself.
You are not perfect, you do not know everything and you do not have all the answers. But let me tell you a little secret that no one expects.
We all fight our self-doubts and our fear. We all have our shortcomings. Cut yourself a little loose. You are not the worst (insert whatever fits) for walking the earth.
The only thing you can do is keep trying to improve and improve yourself.
Even this one person who looks like they have it all is working on some things. They have some areas where they stall. In fact, they'd probably laugh at you if they thought they'd figured it all out.
Just as you are not the worst (whatever fits) to walk the earth, it can be just as detrimental to your psyche to fight to be the best (whatever fits). It is a goal that can never be achieved. And if you magically manage to hit that incredibly high bar, you're unlikely to stay there for long.
By setting the bar so high and failing to meet the unrealistic standards that you have set for yourself, you are constantly losing your confidence and self-worth.
In order for you to be able to maintain your sanity, you have to make peace with being happy by being yourself.
You are completely imperfect.
“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone. “~ Maya Angelou
In critical moments, feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt overwhelm us, be it when we take on a new role at work or when we witness the birth of our child or when we face a new challenge or opportunity.
In these moments we have the feeling that we are not living up to our own high standards or those of those around us.
The trick is not to let these feelings fester, to grow and to rob us of our inner peace and self-confidence.
As thoughts of self-doubt and inadequacy cross your mind, try any of the techniques above to remind yourself that you are enough and to put yourself on the right track to face any challenges that arise .
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