“We can say what we have to say. We can speak our minds gently but confidently. We don't have to be judgmental, tactless, accusatory, or cruel when we express our thoughts. "~ Melody Beattie
When I first learned something about the concept of borders, I imagined how liberating it would feel to finally be able to say an empowered “no” at every turn. I imagined turning down strangers' drinks at bars, refusing money requests from avid clipboard porters, and refusing requests to do more than my fair share of work projects.
"No" is a complete sentence "would be my hymn.
Eventually I began to understand that borders are more complicated than simply saying no to strangers. Sometimes setting boundaries meant uncomfortable, painful conversations with loved ones about the dynamics in our relationship that no longer served me.
For example: I had to ask a friend to give me more space in our conversations. I had to ask a family member to stop complaining to me about another family member. And I had to talk to my partner about my dissatisfaction with the division of emotional work in our relationship.
And the thought of these conversations made me uncomfortable.
Intellectually, I knew that I had every right to set healthy boundaries with my loved ones. Emotionally, however, the thought of actually having these conversations triggered fear – and a lot more fear than I had originally imagined.
For the past decade, discussions about setting boundaries have been at the heart of the discourse on mental health. Being able to set boundaries around our time, space, and body is a critical skill in maintaining sanity, recovering from addiction, and building healthy relationships with others. However, setting limits can also cause very real, very intense complaints for both the border setter and the border recipient.
As I thought about my discomfort, I asked myself: How can I authentically set boundaries if I am afraid of hurting someone who is important to me? How can I simultaneously set boundaries and let the recipient know that I really care about their feelings?
These questions inspired me to consider a boundary-setting approach that would make these difficult conversations a little less … difficult.
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In my experience, most boundaries can be divided into two different categories: shield boundaries and sandpit boundaries.
Sometimes borders are like shields: moments of verbal self-defense that protect us from unwanted behavior by others. Shield boundaries prevent unwanted physical contact, defend against the anger or cruelty of others, or protect our time, our belongings and our material goods.
Sign boundaries can take the form of "Don't touch me like that" or "I'm sorry but you can't borrow $ 20" or "I can't volunteer at the telephone bank next week". “In general, they are simple, concise, and clear – variations on saying no.
Some borders feel less like self-defense than like letting go: to break away from old patterns, feelings and relationships that no longer serve us.
Imagine a sandpit filled with different things that belong to different people. You reach down and only pick up the items that are yours. You avoid taking on your mother's guilt, your partner's debt, your boss's fear, and your friend's insecurity. They are not yours.
Healthy sandpit boundaries mean that you only carry your "stuff" out of the sandpit – nobody else. You distinguish your emotions and responsibilities from the emotions and responsibilities of others.
Of the two, sandpit boundaries are a particular challenge for people lover restoration as we are used to carrying all things out of the sandpit – not just our own. In the past, we have taken responsibility for the happiness, health, finances, relationships, addictions, etc., of others. (For the same reason, many of us have probably not taken responsibility for our own health, happiness, and beyond.)
When we set sandbox boundaries and break these patterns of passing, we are literally rewriting the status quo. We let go of the roles we have played in our relationships for years or even decades. We may be so used to behaving like the caretakers, fixators, or de facto therapists of others that letting go of those roles can cause a lot of anxiety.
We may ask, "Will he still love me when I'm no longer ready to take care of me?" or "Will she think I'm selfish if I ask for more attention?" We might think, "What will she like about me if I don't fix her problems?" or "What if you don't care what I have to say?"
In order to set boundaries that allow our relationships to continue in new and healthy ways, we must face these fears directly. In fact, these fears can be the gateway to authentic and meaningful transgressions of boundaries. This is how it works:
Radically transparent boundary setting
A radically transparent border setting gives you the permission to honor your feelings in the moment, in fear and in everything, and invites the border recipient instead of pushing them away.
You don't have to pretend cold, stoic, or immaculately confident to set a successful limit. By acknowledging that boundary setting is unfamiliar or even scary, you can create a vulnerable container that invites the boundary recipient into meaningful, compassionate conversation.
The radically transparent setting of boundaries comprises three main components:
Acknowledge your fear or discomfort as you set the limit
Express the "why" behind the border
Set a clear, direct line
Imagine, for example, that you have a dear friend whom you consulted regularly in order to deal with her family drama. You become frustrated that your conversations are all about them and you find that you are no longer ready to take on the role of their therapist. In this case you can use the radical transparency approach as follows:
Example 1: “I find it difficult to say, but I want to be honest with you. : I am annoyed that so many of our conversations are about your family problems, because it makes me feel less like a friend and more like a therapist. Can we practice getting our conversations closer to 50/50? "
Example 2: “I know that in the past I have offered advice and support regarding your family matters, but I am trying to take better care of it Myself now, so I cannot continue to be the person you come to with your family problems. I need a more balanced friendship. "
Example 3: “I am afraid of hurting you, but the health of our friendship is important to me, so I want you to know that I cannot continue to be the only person you are are getting into trouble with your family. Our friendship has started to feel unbalanced and it is important for me to have friendships in which I feel seen and valued. "
Example 4: “I'm nervous to say this, but I try to communicate more authentically with those around me. So I have to tell you that I am saddened by how unbalanced our conversations have been. I have a feeling you are not trying to ask about my life. Can we discuss how to fix this? "
Radical transparency has two main advantages.
By first identifying your fear or discomfort in setting the boundary, you acknowledge that you are starting a difficult conversation that can cause mixed feelings – for both of you. This also helps the recipient understand that you have considered the impact of this limit on their feelings.
Second, by expressing the “why” behind your boundary, remind the recipient that your boundary is not an attempt to control their behavior, but an attempt to protect yourself, be it your body, your integrity , Your sanity, time, resources, or material goods. You could also emphasize your desire for honesty, authenticity, or openness in the relationship, each of which conveys a real intention to keep your relationship healthy.
A radically transparent border setting gives me the permission to be completely authentic and to help my loved ones feel taken into account.
Of course, this approach is not suitable for all scenarios. I use this method to set difficult boundaries with close friends, family members, and partners – people with whom I generally feel safe, who have some level of emotional intimacy, and have a vested interest in continuing our relationship. (I don't use this approach when setting boundaries with casual acquaintances, when I'm feeling emotionally insecure, or when I'm enforcing a pre-established boundary that the recipient has ignored.)
Ultimately we cannot control how others react to our limits. Even when we express it with the greatest compassion, the recipient may still feel hurt, offended, or confused – and that's fine. If we avoid these critical conversations, we create conditions in which resentment, anger and frustration simmer and boil over unaddressed – which is almost always more devastating for the relationship than the borderline conversation.
It is not only our right, but also our responsibility to set healthy boundaries in our relationships with loved ones. Even if it's uncomfortable. Even if it's scary. It is our responsibility to communicate our needs and limits in our relationships because if we don't, others will have to read our needs – a burden no one should be bearing.
Like the marriage and family therapist, the Viennese Pharaon writes: “You cannot remain calm and expect people to appear as you need them. Your words are the gateway to your needs. "
About Hailey Magee
Hailey Magee is a Codependency Recovery Coach who helps individuals conquer, please, set boundaries and master the art of telling their truth. She has worked with over 100 clients from the US, Canada, Ireland, France, South Africa and other countries. Sign up for a free consultation to learn how coaching can help you live from a place of authenticity and inner freedom. You can follow Hailey on Facebook and Instagram or visit www.haileymagee.com.
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