Jennifer Meyer, a licensed private practice licensed professional (LPC) in Fort Collins, Colorado, had a client who, after more than 30 years of marriage, found that her husband had embezzled money from their mutual business. This infidelity, along with his recent verbal abuse, prompted the woman to divorce. The client was hurt, shaken, ashamed, lost and confused about her future, says Meyer. For the past 30 years, she had shared friends, children, family, and a business with the same partner. How would she be able to start all over again?
Clients like this often find that they have to rebuild their lives because divorce is, in a way, the "death" of a relationship. Meyer tries to help clients accept that divorce is a great loss – often accompanied by feelings of betrayal and trauma. To overcome this loss, she works with clients to process their emotions (which often include anger, shame and guilt), communicate their needs, set healthy boundaries with their ex-partner, and rebuild their lives.
The phases of divorce
Meyer, a member of the American Counseling Association and the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (an ACA division), specializes in divorce coaching and recovery. She has noticed that her clients often show signs of grief, how to feel unmotivated and have trouble sleeping. In fact, divorce can be like grief, but it can be further compounded by legal problems, financial pressures, individual mental health problems, the experience of alienation from parents, the challenges of shared parenting, and the problems of wealth sharing, Meyer says.
Meyer gives clients a handout about the seven divorce stages that were created by Jamie Williamson, a family mediator certified by the Florida Supreme Court. Williamson falls back on the well-known "stages" of grief, but her model ends with reconstruction – a stage where a person's acceptance deepens, they let go of the past, and find a way forward.
Meyer, who reports on the emotional journey of divorce at an ongoing national women's workshop in northern Colorado, adapted Williamson's model to illustrate the complexity of the grief for a divorce that she likes to climb Mount Everest – an ascent that they have not signed for. In this metaphor, she combines six divorce levels with examples of what clients might feel:
Rejection: “This climb is a waste of time. I should be home and try to save my marriage. "
Anger: “This divorce is expensive. Why is this happening to me? I didn't plan that. "
Negotiate: “I would do anything to turn around with my spouse and do things right. What if I can't make it? Will my kids be fine? "
Depression: "I've lost my spouse and some mutual friends. I can't sleep. I feel so lonely."
Acceptance: “I no longer idealize my past. This process taught me how strong I am. "
Reconstruction: "I look forward to closing this chapter and creating a happy future."
Between these phases, she says, customers grow and learn. They learn who their real friends are and they learn more about themselves, their limits and their expectations.
Meyer's metaphor also emphasizes that the divorce phases do not follow each other. For example, someone could go from anger at the financial cost of divorce to asking whether they should get back together with their ex, for fear that their children will be wrong to be angry again that this experience is happening to them.
Processing emotions
Meyer uses emotionally focused therapies to help clients turn inward to process their feelings about separation or divorce. One of Meyer's clients was frustrated because she felt that her ex-spouse was never emotionally available. So Meyer had the client close her eyes and imagine the ex's face. Then she asked the client: "What would you say to your ex from an angry perspective? What would you say to your ex from an injured perspective? And what do you think your ex would tell you back? "
This role-playing exercise helps clients not only process their feelings and find a way to release themselves from their injuries and anger, but also to recognize their own part in the marriage problems, explains Meyer. She warns the counselors not to focus on the self-responsibility part too soon, but says that the counselors can gently encourage clients to check which part may have belonged to them.
Meyer has also noticed that women often want to take full responsibility for the end of a relationship and tries to help them realize that both partners played a role. She could say: "There is 100 percent guilt out there. What percentage of it would you claim and what percentage does your ex-partner own?"
Taking responsibility can also be a strengthening for customers, adds Meyer. They often feel that everything has been done to them. Knowing what role they played and how they would deal with it differently in the future will help them to move forward, she explains.
Meyer also lets customers write farewell letters to their exes (or to family members or friends who were lost in the divorce). In the letters, they list all the things they will miss (e.g. "I will miss your hugs", "I will miss your excitement to go to concerts") and the things they will not miss (e.g. B. "Goodbye from you" smelly socks on the floor all the time. "" Goodbye that you never gave me priority "). This exercise allows clients to express their pain, anger, and grief, and helps them let go of the relationship, she says.
Development of healthy communication and boundaries
Some of Meyer's clients also have difficulty knowing how to deal with the other partner after deciding to divorce. They may feel guilty about putting limits on someone who used to be their partner, but Meyer reminds them that the relationship has changed. "The communication you wanted and needed while you were married or together is … very different, so you have to have limits for your communication," Meyer says.
Meyer helps customers find out the cause of their need with their ex-partner and helps them to set better limits. For example, if a customer was upset because his ex-partner kept appearing at his child's soccer games and chasing him over renegotiating part of the divorce, Meyer would help the customer communicate new boundaries by saying "Let's talk "brought about it in mediation" or "If you give me names or raise your voice, I will end this conversation. "
Gabrielle Usatynski, an LPC and founder of Power Couples Counseling (a private practice with offices in Boulder and Louisville, Colorado) also focuses on the way the couple communicates and behaves. "One of the points [of divorce counseling] is to help them develop the capacities they need to have fruitful conversations that don't become scary and dangerous," Usatynski explains. In addition, she teaches couples how important it is to treat each other fairly, fairly and sensitively during a divorce. It also helps couples learn, negotiate and negotiate with each other so they can develop win-win solutions for divorce and parenting.
A psychobiological approach to couple therapy (PACT) developed by Stan Tatkin recognizes that there is a difference between what people say, what they do, and what they actually do, says Usatynski. People's stories are subject to inaccuracies that can throw therapists off the rails to understand what is really happening to the couple, she explains.
A couple's attitudes and problems, as well as their ability to engage with each other, are largely determined by the condition of their autonomic nervous system, Usatynski continues. "Therapists should ease and intervene in these states of the nervous system during the session while the couple is in these particular states," she says. "The goal is to collect and use so much raw, unprocessed information [as possible] from the body, brain stem and limbic brain."
For this reason, Usatynski uses a technique called staging that targets the body and deep brain structures. Couples play out problematic moments in their relationship in front of the therapist. Because people have different perspectives, Usatynski's goal is not to find out exactly what happened. Instead, she wants to find situations that have troubled the couple and see for herself what mistakes the couple made in their interaction.
So if a divorced couple had a violent exchange when the father brought the children to the mother's house, Usatynski would ask them to do the exchange in their office. When the father says: "Your music is too loud. The children don't have to listen to the music so loudly, "replies the mother." Stop yelling at the kids and don't tell me what to do. "
Usatynski notes that this is a point of need for the couple. When they have finished the scenario, she will discuss the misstep with them. To help the father understand that he was demanding and that his wife looked bad in front of the children, Usatynski could ask him: "Did you say please turn off the radio?"
After discussing the individual mistakes, Usatynski lets the customers re-enact the scenario. This time, however, they have to find ways to relate to each other that are not threatening, fair, and sensitive. “If we allow our customers to participate, the solutions they find themselves will be much more powerful, creative and effective than anything we could offer them,” says Usatynski. "The process of discovering their own solutions also gives them a greater sense of empowerment and competence that they can really do this on their own." That is ultimately the goal of the advice, she adds. Usatynski will only make suggestions if a couple is really struggling to find viable solutions.
When Usatynski executes the scenario in the state of the brain they were in at the time of the conflict and then learns how to deal with the situation better, they react differently the next time they are in a heated exchange, Usatynski notes .
Start over
After going through the emotional journey of divorce, clients need to start rebuilding their lives and hoping for a better future. To help customers start this process, Meyer returns to the letter writing exercise. This time, however, she lets her write a “hello” letter about her new life and the aspects that she will enjoy the most. For example, customers could write: “Hello, travel alone without anyone getting impatient”, “Hello, that I can decorate my bedroom the way I want it to be”, “Hello, time with friends again” or “Hello everyone Stronger ”, more confident. "
One of Meyer's clients brought in items that represented her divorce, including the farewell letter she wrote in a previous session. Then she went outside with Meyer and burned everything. This act symbolized that she let go of that relationship and took a step forward.
Meyer has also led clients to go outside and use nature as a metaphor for their progress and healing. For example, one client said that an old tree that was felled represented her at the beginning of her divorce, but in the end she identified herself with a stronger, healthier tree.
Divorce is a devastating event that nobody wants to experience. Indeed, divorce is the second most stressful life event for adults (after the death of a spouse) after the 1967 rating scale for social adjustment developed by psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. But customers can rebuild their lives and have a bright future.
"If you work on [what happened in the relationship] and find out what your part was and what was going on with the partner you didn't think was healthy, you can really find the good part of yourself and save the rest of you until to the point where you are in a better place than ever before, ”Meyer says.
Meyer observed how her client, who had divorced after more than 30 years of marriage, went through an incredible change during her sessions. The client realized how many times she had done what was required of her (her ex-spouse, children and employers) without considering her own needs. She started to slow down, set limits and say "no". She realized what she had earned in a relationship and learned how to choose a better partner and be a better partner in the future.
By processing her feelings about divorce and betrayal and releasing the guilt, shame and anger that had become such a heavy burden for her, the client felt younger in her body and made healthier life choices. And under Meyer's guidance, she realized that she didn't have to be afraid to start over.
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For more information on this subject see the forthcoming April issue of Counseling Today in a detailed article on helping customers manage divorce or infidelity.
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Lindsey Phillips is the author of Counseling Today and UX content strategist. Contact them at [email protected] or through their website at lindseynphillips.com.
Letters to the editor: [email protected]
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