“Make no assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just one agreement, you can completely change your life. "~ Don Miguel Ruiz
Online dating and dating apps have revolutionized the experience of dating in recent years, and these changes continue to accelerate at a dizzying pace.
These new technologies have created a brand new culture in which singles have never had to navigate in the past few years. Online dating and the use of dating apps are like a new “wild west”, in which there are no clear rules and everything is possible.
This new culture naturally brings new words with it. Some are fun and some are less.
"Roaching" is a new name for a practice that has been around for many years. In essence, it is a mistake to define a relationship as monogamous (or otherwise) and the often resulting hurt feelings.
A person believes that the relationship is developing into a meaningful one-to-one partnership and is blind when they find out that their partner has seen other people.
The offending party claims to be surprised that monogamy was accepted or expected because it was never openly discussed. This may seem heartless to some, including me, but objectively it is a valid point.
Inconsistent expectations in relationships are nothing new, but regardless of the details or the new dating terms used, the root cause is the same: the lack of open communication.
When I was looking for a partner, I often had difficulty articulating what I really wanted. I had trouble admitting to myself that I was really looking for marriage to someone I wanted to share my life with.
I found it almost impossible to believe that there could be a man out there who wanted to do this to me, so I avoided talking about it as much as possible. Instead, I swept it under the carpet and dated everyone I found attractive.
I hoped that somehow everything would work out. Somehow a man would fall in love with me and I could "sneak a relationship into the back door". As if he didn't notice.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's how it seemed to work in the movies.
I thought that my dreams of a loving marriage were too much, too traditional and not feminist enough. It wasn't what all women's magazines said I should do. Looking back, I can see that I was actually ashamed of what I wanted.
I tried to deny myself my dream of finding true love, but my heart would not be silenced.
In the meantime, I made intensive appointments and didn't tell any of the men what I was looking for. I just hoped that they would like me enough to somehow know what I wanted and offer it to me.
Needless to say that this did not happen and that many misunderstandings occurred.
At that time there was no term for it, but I was "blown away" among many other things. At the time, I thought these men were heartless and cruel, but now I see myself putting myself in these situations by not being honest and open about what I was looking for.
I have spent years repeatedly breaking my heart, and it was very demanding. I finally decided it was time to get involved in what I really wanted because what I was doing was obviously not working.
I sat down and decided exactly what I wanted. I wrote about the life I wanted, the relationship I wanted, how I wanted to feel when I was with that person, and the kind of person I wanted to be.
Then I promised myself that I would always have my own back and would do anything to live the life I had dreamed of, no matter what anyone thought. I started telling the truth about what I wanted, although it was difficult and scary and sometimes not at all eloquent.
I asked the questions that I wanted the answers to, even if my voice trembled and I wished the ground would swallow me up so I could hide.
Sure, it scared some men, but it also inspired some of them. Including the man I married.
If you're wondering whether you're going to be mugged or not, ask yourself if you've been really honest with the person you're meeting, what you're looking for. Have you had an actual conversation or only hinted at it? Do you know what your partner is looking for in a relationship? Did you ask?
If you haven't talked about it yet, do it as soon as possible. If you're afraid to do this, ask yourself why. Not having this conversation may seem easier at the moment, but it is often much more painful in the long run.
It takes courage to decide what you want in life and to share your truth with another person. It takes strength and steadfastness to create an authentic life, instead of hoping that things will go the way you want them to without you having to bother.
You don't have to change your life in one day. You can have one conversation at a time.
It's like building your muscles when you exercise. Over time you get stronger. Your communication skills improve and your self-confidence.
Your relationships will also improve. You will never have to worry again because you know where you are with the people you are dating.
Before you know it, you will have changed your life and relationships forever.
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