"The symphony of body feelings, mental thoughts and images is emotion. It is the symphony that people need to focus on to understand their inner movements and to use their message. "~ Dr. Leslie Greenberg
Like most people in our Western culture, I did not learn to read the language of emotions as I grew up. I had no idea that our emotions are purposeful information about ourselves, our relationships and our experience in the world around us. They actually contain messages about what to do – what action to take to satisfy our needs for safety, balance and satisfaction.
Like all humans, my parents were a product of their generation and their family dynamics. Her two childhoods were emotional deprivation and trauma.
Like all humans, they did their best to survive.
Their intolerance to deal with the generational trauma that they have sustained caused them to numb each other by celebrating and drinking every weekend to avoid their pain. In the 1980s, I had to rely on pretty much every kid in the neighborhood babysitting me and my brother. One of these babysitters sexually assaulted me when I was seven years old.
I had no ability to handle all my feelings from these and other life experiences. Like all children, I automatically and unconsciously adapted to my environment.
How many abuse victims have I tried to numb and not feel. At fourteen, I started experimenting with drugs. I had no idea that I was attracted to teenagers who did the same, because we all tried to treat ourselves – to cope with it. If I did not have any medications that could help me get out, I ate. And ate and ate and hated me for it.
Of course, the unpleasant feelings would be only temporarily stunned and inevitably reappear with equal or greater intensity. I felt like an open funnel, in which every kind of calming, satisfying or calming that I experienced flowed out and again confronted my vulnerability, like a dark cloud that I could not shake off and that brought more fear than I could stand.
The illusion of love and caring through friends became another way to distract the shadow in me and distract me from negative feelings.
A story of ignoring and trying to dodge my feelings meant that I could not hear their messages: "This relationship is not good!" I heard the whispering inner voice saying, "Leave that idiot," but I stayed far too long without believing it was my feelings.
The previous abuse and unresolved trauma I was wearing had undermined my self-esteem. Without knowing how to read the clues to my feelings that told me otherwise, it was the internalized belief that I did not matter, that I was not worthy of being protected, the one I was acting before.
Although I desperately wanted to feel better, the choices I made from these unconscious beliefs and the disconnect from my feelings made me feel worse and worse as I ran away from a dark shadow that was mine always followed with temporary relief.
As with many humans, it required a degree of pain and despair that I could no longer endure to change my life course.
The remedies I used to numb myself lost their effectiveness to numb the pain. The emotional abuse I suffered from my friend put me in a trance of darkness that was so far from me that "brainwashing" was the closest descriptor.
It took the depth of this darkness to finally listen to the inner whisper – the voice of something or someone in me who said "Enough." I awoke from a sort of trance and left the dysfunctional community that I was in. But I was still followed by a dark cloud.
I have made many consistent positive changes in the direction of health. I've cut out the toxins – both substances and relationships. I went back to school and exercised regularly (to feel better, not just to look better).
I learned mindfulness and started meditating daily. I ate healthier and slowly and steadily began to treat myself as my own close friend. Although smaller and with breaks in the light, the dark cloud continued to follow me.
I was admitted to graduate school to become a therapist, and I met my soul mate, but I still did not understand my feelings.
The aha moment came when he sat in a training session to hear from his dr. Leslie Greenberg to learn about emotional therapy. The missing piece of the puzzle I had missed finally landed.
Greenberg taught that emotions are actually purposeful, important and meaningful information. When emotions, such as data, are understood and translated, they can help us connect with our needs and values. They are the guide to finding meaning and happiness in our lives.
I had spent my life avoiding feelings, crushing them and seeing them as the biggest annoyance – something I wanted to shut down and get rid of. It has shaken my world to know that they are indeed purposeful, natural and wise – they are there for a reason!
"How is everyone not freaking out right now?" I asked myself.
How is this knowledge not everywhere, in every school, so that we can all learn the skills to deal with our emotions and not to suffer so much? Why is the knowledge of emotions so esoteric?
After this revelation, I became a devout, emotion-focused therapist trained as a clinician and with Dr. Ing. Greenberg as his student and client found true healing. Finally, I have freed myself from the hanging cloud by learning to process my deep-suppressed emotions and dissolve my unfinished business of the past.
Changing my relationship with my emotions was the missing part that allowed me to heal completely. Learning to deal with my emotions, examine them and process them was like letting go of 100-pound chains tied around my body over the years.
Feeling free and strengthened, I knew that I no longer had to run away from myself. I could decipher the inner feelings of my feelings and actually use them to get out of life, what I want and need for peace and happiness.
For the past ten years, I have taught hundreds of people how to alleviate their suffering and confusion by relating their feelings differently, with mindfulness and compassion, and with unresolved feelings as their own personal shadow stored, process.
Here is a brief summary of my knowledge of emotions as well as some practices that can help you to transform your relationship with them and your experiences with them.
The different types of emotions
All emotions are not equal. There are different types of emotions – some are healthy and helpful, while others that are related to social conditioning and internalized by negative experiences are less healthy. To complicate things, emotional expression can also be used as an instrument to try to satisfy our needs.
Understanding the different types of emotions is a good first step in understanding what kind of emotions we feel.
1. Core Emotions
Core emotions are a source of intelligence that is anchored in us and available from the age of two months. These emotions tell us what we get more, what we need to avoid and how our relationship with other people in the world develops.
For example, the inner anger informs us when we get hurt or our border is crossed. Sadness is a central feeling we feel with every loss, and fear is a hardwired survival to let us know when our safety is threatened.
Core emotions tell us what to do (eg, nuclear rage calls for assertive, empowered action, sadness usually requires acceptance and comfort, whereas fear calls us to flee to safety).
If they are well addressed (considered valid, with no additional judgment or resistance), they leave the body fairly quickly.
But if the core emotions in childhood are not well answered by others, and especially if there is a trauma, the emotions can be skewed and negated.
Here, people feel trapped in painful feelings that can last long after the situation that caused them – sometimes over years (eg, feelings of shame, destructive anger and unresolved grief).
For me, feelings of shame and unworthiness were marked by abuse. These core emotions (including thoughts and beliefs) had to be experienced and activated to gain access to the adaptive and healthy emotions that contribute to healing, such as: B. Kernzorn and self-compassion.
2. Secondary Emotions
Secondary emotions mask the core emotions. They are influenced by our judgment of emotions. This includes internalized culture messages about what is allowed (eg, "Boys do not cry"). It can also be a form of self-protection or as a defense mechanism (eg fear of anger or shame of fear).
These are the feelings that arise from thoughts. For example, having a negative thought about yourself triggers a negative feeling, which in turn triggers another negative thought, and you are in a negative ruminant loop.
3. Instrumental emotions
This is a kind of emotion with which little children try to satisfy their needs by expressing emotions, such as the toddler crying when Mama says "no" to a second biscuit (ie "crocodile tears").
When Mama gives in and gives the child the second biscuit, the child learns that one can get what one wants with certain expressions of emotion. This reinforces the use of instrumental emotions that basically express certain emotions in order to manipulate others to fulfill their own desires / needs.
Anger, for example, can also play a role when people on eggshells go around a family member and give in to their demands to avoid the consequences of their anger. Anger is not primary here, but it is decisive and, as you can imagine, a big problem for everyone involved.
Practices That Help You Feel Better
While it may take some time, following these steps is a good way to change your relationship with your emotions and help you feel better by being emotionally educated.
1. Meditate
Practice mindfulness meditation or yoga to build up your ability to stay present in your body. It has been proven that mindfulness meditation helps to expand the "window of tolerance". This refers to the ability to handle all your sensory experiences, including unpleasant emotions.
2nd way of thinking
When you fulfill your inner emotional world with an attitude of curiosity and care, you can begin to connect with your emotions. Examine and question internalized myths / beliefs that emotions (ie tears) are weakness. Understand that your emotions are not what you are – they are the energy, sensation, and experience that all humans find difficult. They do not define you.
3. Self-reflection
It's important to learn, pause, and go in to examine your emotions to determine what kind of emotions you're experiencing.
Ask yourself: what am I feeling? Can I stay there long enough to see if there is something underneath? See if you can name what you might feel. It's okay to guess if you're not sure. ("Is that sadness? Fear? Rage?")
If you feel a negative emotion, such as As a shame, you question the truth of the thoughts that accompany it, in order to better recognize the core emotion. For example, if the thought is "I suck on everything," you might ask, "Is that true?" Then ask, "Where did I learn that I'm not good enough?"
Write down the messages that you have been taught and by whom. You may find that you have learned this from somewhere.
Remember, just because it feels real does not mean it's true. It is most likely one of those distorted, negative, unhealthy emotions associated with painful learning in childhood or negative or traumatic experiences in your life.
Recognizing our instrumental emotions is important to reviewing ourselves. If you use an emotional expression to make another person react in a certain way, choose that your emotions are truer. Examine what you really want and talk directly to the person in your life about what you really feel and what you need.
By attentively witnessing and reflecting on my feelings, I was able to recognize myself, understand my feelings and needs, and ultimately realize that I am not my feelings. They are important information, but they do not get stuck and they do not define me. That felt incredibly helpful and liberating.
4. Express your feelings
Diary / Writing / Painting / Designing to somehow connect with and express your inner feelings.
5. Self-pity
Sometimes it's hard to stay with our emotions. Sometimes we close our emotions or exclude them, which can be adaptable to trauma. Bringing care and friendliness into our difficult feelings is essential.
Without making a judgment, we do not need to know what we feel or what we are not happy with.
As we work to learn the language of our emotions and engage in understanding, it helps us to approach our experiences of kindness, patience, and compassion. We all feel beings and sometimes suffer in our lives. It is of paramount importance to remember to heal and to feel better.
You will find that practicing these steps changes your emotional experience. Over time you will find that many emotions, when they arise and are not judged, naturally dissolve without activating stories of the mind or creating a drama or painful narrative.
When we examine the stronger emotions that have a deeper meaning to us and relate to important issues, we can pick them up with curiosity and openness, identify their inherent messages and listen to their call, connecting with our innermost needs to put and wishes. We can connect with our true self.
Feeling better changed my life completely. When I think back to the times when I could not bear being with any feelings, drowning myself in something I could not feel, it's like being a completely different person. Aeons away from my true self.
Of course I was still me. The difference is that I have learned that my emotions are an important source of intelligence in life. I learned to read the messages of my feelings and use them to connect with myself, ultimately leading me to pursue my dreams and purpose. What I realized is helping others to do the same.
About Angele Close
Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, certified teacher of mindfulness meditation and emotion coach. Their mission is to overcome emotional illiteracy by helping people develop the skills they need for a more awakening, fulfilling, purposeful life. You can access your free manual for emotional resilience on their website: www.drangeleclose.com. Find her meditations on Insight Timer and follow her on Instagram.
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