As a domestic violence survivor, I have found that society is often not friendly or understanding on matters related to this particular form of abuse. Often times, society seems to perceive it as something someone has chosen for their life rather than something someone has been forced to do. Grace and empathy are generally granted when we talk about other forms of abuse but mention domestic violence, and the same grace is not always granted.
For years I have wondered why – why is one type of abuse viewed differently from another? Like any other victim, I never intended to be a victim, then why was I viewed differently? Why is the pain of victims of domestic violence debilitated by questions like “Why aren't you just gone?”
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That question alone – why didn't I just leave? – led me to the consulting profession. Since I was a strong, independent woman from a good family, I was plagued by this question. In order to go from victim to survivor, I needed answers – answers I just didn't have.
No simple answers
When I was an uneducated victim of domestic violence, the question of why I didn't just leave was a complex one. But after studying behavioral science / psychology and taking special courses in domestic violence intervention, trauma-informed care, and finally clinical counseling, I found that answering the question was still not easy. In fact, as an educated graduate who was removed from her previous situation, it naturally became clear to me that no education, however great, would give an unequivocal answer.
I was in my final semester of graduate school preparing for the practical part of my studies by enrolling in a class on domestic violence. Every week we watched videos and discussed our views and how we would help the customer. In the fourth week of classes
this difficult question came up again. I was reading the discussion post when I saw it: “Why don't people just leave? If you want it to stop, just go. "
Since I was this far in my degree, I was surprised to see other budding counselors asking this question and making this comment. I assumed that other professionals outside of this course had taken courses to better understand such a common problem in our society. If not, were the advisors really ready to serve this population?
After my own experience of looking for counseling, I was asked: “Why do you think you decided not to go?” I immediately had the feeling that the counselor did not understand my position and decided to give her never to see again. I was hurt and angry, but I realized I still needed help. Fortunately, I found another advisor and educated myself further about the cycle of abuse.
Unfortunately, this is not the story of most of the survivors I have worked with. If you feel misunderstood or devalued, do not turn to counseling again. In other words, asking the wrong question as a consultant doesn't just keep us from building a trusting relationship with these clients; it can even prevent them from ever seeking help again.
It is not the question "Why do you think you decided not to go?" is a terrible question. In relationships that don't involve abuse, this is a perfectly acceptable question. However, when there is domestic violence, it exceeds the blame line on the victim. Society is constantly asking those who have become victims why they stayed, rather than asking those who committed abuse why they abused or why they created environments where leaving was not an option. According to Cynthia Hill, director of the 2014 documentary Private Violence (in an interview published in the Guardian), between 50 and 75% of domestic violence homicides occur at the time of the breakup or after the victim leaves the perpetrator. We need to be sensitive to the real danger involved in trying to escape intimate partner violence.
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Tips for building relationships with survivors
I understand that as counseling professionals we can only ask questions of the person we are working with, and we always want to make sure that the client is focused on their behavior and not that of a partner or anyone else. Accountability is important and the key to the healing process. However, it is not the best idea to focus on this when working with this specific population.
When working with individuals who are currently experiencing intimate partner violence or who have recently left an emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive situation, counselors can use the following six tips to help them develop a relationship with these clients.
1) Start by understanding that domestic violence would not be an option if leaving was an option. Remember that up to 75% of domestic violence-related deaths occur while the victim is trying to leave the home or afterwards. Since domestic violence is rooted in power and control, abusers often strike with the idea of losing the person they believe they control.
In the film What's Love Got To Do With It, which is based on the life of the singer Tina Turner, her husband Ike once said: “Tina, if you die me, I swear that I will kill you . "That sounds crazy to most people, but in Ike's opinion he wanted to keep control of Tina, even in her death." For those who are not film people, the Duluth Model of Domestic Violence Intervention explains this concept as well. Leaving is dangerous and maybe even impossible for most victims. So stop asking customers why they didn't or didn't leave. If they could, they would.
2) Always be on time and finish on time. This may seem trivial to most, but when working with clients who you suspect are actively experiencing intimate partner violence, getting on time and finishing on time is a must. You never know what the client had to say to their abuser in order for them to meet with you. They don't know if this is the time when the perpetrator is out and the client can only meet. If the advisor arrives too late, the meeting must still be ended on time. The customer should always know that he is home when he is supposed to be home. Playing around with the schedule could potentially mess up someone's life.
3) Talk about any other relationship instead of focusing on the abuse. Individuals involved in intimate partner violence are fully aware of the nature of their relationship. Trust me, you don't need a reminder of how dangerous or unhealthy the relationship is, even if you're not ready to leave. The cycle of grooming, gaslighting, and manipulation can leave victims feeling like they need to prove everyone wrong and show the world that their partner can still be the person they fell in love with. Most of the time, if they work very hard to adjust their behavior, the victims really believe that their partner will treat them as they did before the abuse started. Talking directly about this relationship can lead to the client becoming defensive. It damages the chances of building a trusting customer-advisor relationship.
I have found that discussing other relationships in the client's life can be helpful in illuminating the behavior of his current partner without the client feeling judged or attacked. You could say something like, “Oh, it sounds like you didn't like your father when he drank because he got violent. How do you think about the behavior of XYZ when they drink? ”This allows the client to make the comparison himself.
4) Realize that "Christ" and "Counselor" are two different titles. Consultants are not saviors, and neither should we try. In all situations and with all customers, the goal should be to pick them up where they are. As with addiction, a client experiencing intimate partner violence may not understand the severity of the problem and may not want to leave. Instead of leaving the relationship, the client may want to learn how to deal with certain behaviors. If the client wants that, the counselor should want it too.
Go home and rest in the fact that you are doing your job. Even when the client is in an unhealthy situation, they will work with you, trust you, and listen to you. They hear you. When the time is right, you will make the best decision in your life. Your job is not to save anyone; it is giving clients the tools to save themselves.
5) Accept that you are not the expert. Consultants work hard to become licensed professionals. This hard work is so valued. However, we are not the experts in this situation. No matter how many studies we read, statistics memorized, or theories applied, survivors are the experts when it comes to their experiences and their stories.
The journey of every survivor is different. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to counseling survivors of intimate partner violence. Even if you've seen 10 clients in one day and all of them have experienced intimate partner violence, instead of assuming you know how the story will end, ask the next client questions. Because I promise you you won't.
6) Check your prejudices. We all have prejudices, but not everyone knows what they are and how they affect the lives of the people they work with. If you have certain views about intimate partner violence, if you think it is a “choice” to stay, if you think someone can “just go”, please stay away from this population group. It takes a lot for survivors to seek help and exposure enough to discuss the abuse. If this situation is handled incorrectly, they may never seek help again. Let us be part of the solution as professional advisors, not cause a survivor to return to the problem.
Since I was a survivor myself, these tips helped me to build a lasting relationship with my advisor. Now that I'm on the other side of the table, these tips have worked for me when advising and coaching people who have experienced intimate partner violence. I hope that you will find these tips useful and that you will take me on a journey to end the cycle of unhealthy relationships.
The story of a survivor
During an internship I worked with a young woman who had experienced physical abuse all her life. Every man from her father to the father of her children had molested her. At this point in her life, abuse was the expectation. The interesting part is that she didn't seek help because of the abuse; She wanted help in learning how to get better for her future husband. What I heard was, "What can I do to be who he wants me to be so that he doesn't hurt me?" I couldn't immediately confirm my suspicions, so I kept listening, asking questions, and building trust.
At about our fifth session, she opened up to reveal that she had been at the hospital the night before that her fiancé was taking. After I asked if she was okay and if she was in the mental space to continue the session, she said, "This is probably the safest place for me today."
While we were talking, I asked her if she was still interested in marrying this man, the best option. To my surprise, she said, “Yeah, it's not nearly as bad as what I was dealing with before, and I knew better. I shouldn't have upset him like that. "I could go on with the story, but this very part serves to paint a vivid picture of the soul of someone who has been the victim of intimate partner violence.
This is an extreme example of a person who has had a long history of abuse, but many victims find themselves in the same predicament – wondering how to change to "get better" at what they are to be less abused instead of asking what the abuser needs to change to end the abuse. Since the survivors blame themselves enough, they don't need anyone to do this for them. You don't need someone to validate what you already believe. Imagine if I had asked this customer, “Why don't you go?” At that moment, I would have become the problem instead of the solution. She didn't want to go; she didn't feel that she needed it.
My internship ended shortly after this session. I offered this client to continue to have sessions with the therapist, but she was not interested. She never went back. I later found out that she had indeed married her perpetrator, and they lived happily ever after – until he killed her a little over a year later.
This story stays with me because it reminds me to consciously organize my time with customers and how I end things. It's so much more than ending an agreement with a customer; it's the end of a relationship. I wish I had known then what I know today. I would have been more conscious of including a long-term therapist in our sessions. I wouldn't have ended things the way I did. My only hope is that someone else can learn from me and that we can all be better at dealing with clients who have experienced or are experiencing intimate partner violence.
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Leontyne Evans works as a survivor engagement specialist for Survivors Rising, where she helps empower and empower survivors by providing education and resources that promote survivors' voices and self-sufficiency . She is the author of two books, Princeton Pike Road and Relationships, Friendships and Situationships: 90 Days of Inspiration to Keep Your Ships From Sinking, both of which support her mission to end the cycle of unhealthy relationships. Contact them at [email protected].
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