" I don't always make the best decisions, but today I choose compassion over intolerance, sympathy over hate, and love over fear." ~ LJ Vanier
It's crazy for me now to look back and realize how damn tough I have been on myself for decades.
If I had ever spoken to someone else the way I spoke to myself, it would certainly have left me without friends and without work, and I would definitely have been kicked out of school.
Basically I was a tyrant. Just for me.
When I said something unpleasant, I called myself an idiot.
When I couldn't find the motivation to clean my house, I called myself a lazy guy.
When I wasn't invited to a party, I told myself that it was because nobody liked me.
When work projects were tough and I had to catch up on them, I told myself that if my boss found out I had no idea what I was doing, I would be fired.
My parents had high expectations of me. A was rewarded and B was asked, "Why didn't you get an A?"
They are successful, intelligent people (who are somehow able to run a clean house as always). So when I did something that wasn't what I expected, I would say to myself, "I'm not good enough, I'll never be good enough."
At a certain point I realized that this "strategy" was not working for me.
It didn't make me smarter or more successful.
It didn't make people like me do it anymore.
My house didn't get any cleaner.
I felt like crap. Every day. And it got old.
Looking back, I find that my catalyst for change was now when I finally got over my social fears and found the courage to take classes at the gym.
I found that I did better in a group because of the positive energy of the people cheering me on.
After a while I realized that I wasn't cheering people on as much as they were cheering me, and since it felt good for me to hear it, I broke through my fears and started cheering everyone else in the class .
It felt really good.
It felt even better when I realized that I could talk to myself that way too.
And that is exactly what self-compassion is.
What is self-compassion anyway?
Self-compassion speaks to yourself as kindly and sensitively as to a friend.
It is about consciously directing friendliness inwards.
Self-compassionate people recognize that imperfection, failure, and facing challenges are inevitable parts of life. They are therefore gentle with themselves when faced with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of their expectations.
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That is why they – intentionally – speak to themselves in friendly terms.
It recognizes the common humanity in our sufferings and difficult experiences.
When we are compassionate towards someone who is going through a difficult time or who has made a mistake, we say things like:
"You're not alone."
"Everybody makes mistakes."
"You are only human."
"I was there too."
Because it is comforting to realize that pain and failure are part of life, it is part of the process of how we grow and we all do – literally every human being.
If we don't take the time to tell ourselves when we step wrong, we feel isolated and isolation creates shame and separation and makes us worthless.
Why we are so damn hard on ourselves
We live in a success-oriented culture, "no pain, no gain", "win at any cost", "if you have time to lean, you have time to clean", "failure is not an option" culture
There is nothing wrong with pushing ourselves forward and driving success.
The problem is that we are an imitative species, and if we only see examples of people being tough on themselves and few or no examples of people being kind to themselves, we don't know what that looks like.
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The idea of self-compassion is alien to most people. As such, we have these misconceptions that keep us from being self-compassionate.
Myth No. 1: I need a high self-esteem in order to feel good.
One of the biggest misconceptions about self-compassion is that it is the same as self-esteem.
We grow up believing that high self-esteem is the key to feeling good.
The problem is that in our culture we have to have a high self-esteem, be above average or special in some way.
It is almost an insult to be considered "average". If someone said, "She's nothing special," a person would feel particularly bad.
With this measure, the self-esteem is dependent on the status of everyone else compared to ours. Our self-esteem (and therefore our self-esteem) rises and falls as the people around us pace up and down.
That is why there are so many bullies in our society – because laying down others is a way to increase your self-esteem.
(There are literally studies showing an increase in bullying and narcissism in our society in recent years, and many psychologists point to the "self-esteem" movement as a major factor.)
Myth No. 2: I have to be tough with myself, otherwise I will let myself get away with something.
Many people have the misunderstanding that self-compassion is self-enjoyment.
They fear that they may be too self-compassionate and too soft on themselves, that they have to be hard on themselves to stay on the right path.
But self-compassion increases motivation, it doesn't hinder it.
Let's say your friend is upset that she texted someone and she didn't send her a text back.
Do you say to her, "It's probably because you did something wrong. I bet she doesn't like you anymore, or maybe she never really did. You should apologize even though you don't know what you are did wrong, as she is most likely mad at you because of something. "
Absolutely not!
Not only is it mean to say, you know objectively that this is almost certainly not true.
You would probably say: “I know this feeling too. I get disappointed if I don't get an answer from someone. But she probably forgot or is busy, as are many people. Her non-response is not a reflection of you, it is inaction on her part. Don't worry, she might still message you back, or you can message her again later! "
Which of them feels more motivating? Which one feels more stressful?
How do you talk to yourself when you slip?
The motivational power of your inner tyrant comes from fear, while the motivational power of self-compassion comes from love.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
1. Realize mindfully when you hear your inner critic speak.
We get so used to negative self-talk that we don't even notice it. We only run with the critical stories that we tell ourselves.
But you cannot change anything if you do not recognize when you are doing it by carefully drawing attention to your thoughts without judgment.
First, notice how you feel. Because self-criticism feels crappy. This is your sign that you need to dig a little mindfully.
The best tool to use when receiving this mark is to ask, "What is the story I am telling myself?"
The story I tell myself is that at work people think I am a scam because I made it all up, and I don't give myself credit for everything I know and have achieved.
The story I tell myself is that I'm not a good mom because I mess up my house and I don't think about how happy and healthy my kids actually are.
The story I tell myself is that I will never lose weight for eating these cookies and I am not giving myself permission to go wrong.
Which story do you tell yourself and in which language do you tell it?
2. Understand the positive intention behind your negative self-talk.
This will help you convert your negative self-talk into self-compassion.
Let's say you wanted to lose weight, but you look down and find that you have just eaten a whole box of cookies.
And now your tough inner critic says: "You are disgusting, you will never be able to lose weight, you have no self-control, that is why you are so fat."
Again words that we would never say to anyone else.
What is the positive intention, what is this self-critical voice trying to achieve?
I want me to be aware of when I am eating and what I am eating.
It wants me to be a little bit stronger when I have these cravings so that I can lose weight.
I want to be able to make better choices in the future.
Right? It's not about beating you up in order to beat you up. This voice has a purpose, it just uses the wrong words.
3. Refresh this positive intention with self-compassion.
Repeat what your self-critic is saying in the voice of self-compassion, speaking to yourself like a friend or loved one, realizing the common humanity in the experience and comforting the fact that this too will pass.
Can you look inward and say, "I see what you are doing here. Thank you, subconsciously, for the reminder, I know that you are just taking care of me. Now that we have heard what you are saying by the self-critic have to say, we hear what the self-compassionate voice has to say … "
How would that sound?
"I see, I had a stressful day, I skipped lunch and I'm tired so I just fell back on an old habit – I made a mistake. Now that I know why I got all these cookies I've eaten, I can make a better decision tomorrow. All is not lost. "
Which of them feels better? Which one would motivate you to do better tomorrow?
4. If you think you cannot be compassionate …
If and when during this growth process you think, "I just can't stop talking to myself in this negative way, it doesn't feel natural to talk positively to myself." I want you two understand things …
First, self-compassion is a habit.
This negative self-talk that you have had for years has just become a habit.
It is your usual reaction to stress, adversity and failure. And that's exactly what we're doing here: breaking old habits and creating new ones.
It will be a challenge at first, as will any new habits. But with practice, this just gets easier. It makes self-compassion your new default mode.
It will feel strange and unnatural at first. Don't be fooled into believing it won't work. The more you practice this, the more you train your brain to focus on compassionate self-talk rather than criticism, which means that you spend less and less time on that critical language and more time on compassionate language. In time, this will be your new, natural answer.
At some point you will reach a point where you say: "Hmm, if I had done this a year ago, I would have beaten myself for days. Good for me!"
Second, you have a natural negative tendency that is working hard right now.
If you feel that you are not being compassionate, you understand our natural tendency towards negativity.
We all have a negative tendency. It is there with the intention of protecting us. Your ancestors who looked for mountain lions lived longer than those who sniffed flowers all day.
But we are centuries beyond the point in our development where we have to be on our guard in order to be safe at all times. When you are living with chronic stress and anxiety, your negative tendency will remain in the on position.
That means you can only see threats. What could go wrong. What is wrong. What could be wrong. If you get ninety on a test, look at the ten you missed, not the ninety you got.
Know that you are blind to positivity, that your negativity causes you to focus exclusively on challenges rather than successes.
I call it crap colored glasses instead of pink glasses. Be careful when you wear them. Then take off your glasses! (They smell and are of no use anyway!)
About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy is a former anxiety-ridden and insomnia coach. She helps career-oriented women and working mothers to cope with their stress and anxiety, to motivate themselves with kindness instead of criticism, to face life's challenges with graceful resilience and to really enjoy life without all these unnecessary worries. Her coaching and her free resources like the Stress Detox Mini Course help women regain control of their lives to live more fully and freely.
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