“A meaningful life is not rich, popular or perfect. It's about being real, being humble, sharing ourselves, and touching the lives of others. "~ Unknown
Hi, I'm Kortney and I am a recovering perfectionist.
Like so many of us, I have spent most of my life believing that something is not good at all when it is not perfect. There was really nothing in between. If it wasn't perfect, it was a failure.
One of the problems with perfectionism is that one often believes that it is a positive thing. In our society, people tend to appreciate this. If you are someone who strives for perfection, you have to be achieved. Hazards. Smart.
Have you ever been proud to be called a perfectionist?
I have.
Have you ever thought about why?
When someone called me a perfectionist from my own experience, I had the feeling that although I did not believe I was perfect, it meant that they perceived me as perfect. They saw me as one of the best, or someone who was talented. It was an affirmation that I was seen as being good at things.
My rabid thirst for this type of validation fed the perfectionist machine for years.
If you're wondering what it means to be a perfectionist, here are some characteristics:
Perfectionists are obsessed with mistakes even when it is unlikely that anyone else would have noticed.
Your confidence depends on being perfect.
You think in black and white – things are either good or bad. Perfect or failure.
They have unrealistic expectations and insanely high standards for themselves and beat themselves up for not meeting them.
They put the front line that everything is perfect even if it isn't, because the thought of someone else seeing their imperfections is unbearable.
Despite their pursuit of perfection, they don't feel nearly perfect.
You can't accept being second best at something. That is a failure.
They spend a lot of time on projects because they are always perfecting one last thing.
You spend a lot of time looking for outside approval.
No matter what you do, you don't feel good enough.
At one point in my life, all of these bullet points described me well. I wasted so much time worrying about approval and validation that I could feel great. But I've never felt so great. I didn't feel good enough in anything.
Sure, there were times when I felt good about something, but then I had to raise the bar. Just being good at something wasn't enough. There was always another level to be achieved. The bar has kept getting higher, which is not necessarily a bad thing for people who seek improvement in a healthy way, but for a perfectionist whose self-worth depends on reaching the bar every time it is raised, this is not a positive thing.
It was exhausting.
After many struggles in my life, I knew that I had to explore my perfectionist ways and find a way to be more compassionate towards myself. Perfectionism kept me from loving my life. And to be honest, I don't think I was purposely trying to specifically break free of the perfectionist mentality. It arose as a by-product of a lot of other personal work.
I slowly realized that I had many beliefs engraved on my brain that were not helpful. Beliefs I never wanted to question. These beliefs also hindered my ability to be happy and live the life I wanted to live.
We all have belief systems that we don't really want to question. We grew up with them. We learned it from the media, culture and society. But when we actually take a step back to find that these thought patterns that inhibit our ability to grow and progress are there, we can begin to question them.
Some common limiting beliefs that people hold in perfectionism are:
People reward me for high standards. You are impressed and I get approval.
The only time I get positive attention is when I strive for great things or achieve something.
If I make a mistake, I am a failure.
If only I can be proud of my accomplishments, he / she will love me and I will be happy.
If I fail, I am worthless. Failure is not okay.
If I don't double-check everything, I'll miss something and look like an idiot.
My accomplishments are worthless if they are not perfect (i.e., getting a "B" instead of an "A" in a class is a failure).
If others see my mistakes, I will not be accepted. You won't like me.
The good news is that such thoughts are examples of faulty thinking – faulty belief systems that keep you stuck in perfectionism. By identifying the specific thoughts and beliefs that you hold onto in perfectionism, you can begin to build new, more helpful thought patterns and belief systems.
I also came across another secret to overcome perfectionism.
The secret is that I agreed to be average. I've worked to embrace the average.
If you are a perfectionist you know that it feels like the end of the world to be called the average. It is a terrible word to hear. My inner critic didn't have it. "How dare you even think that average is okay?" it hissed.
As a teenager, a twenty year old and even a thirty year old, my world would have come to an end if I had accepted to be average.
But sometimes life has a way to make you better.
Life has a way of putting things in your path and it gives you opportunities to grow. Everyone has these opportunities at one point or another, but they have to be noticed and used.
Not so long ago I had a really difficult time and had to rebuild my life.
Looking back, I can see that the situation was an abrupt “lane change” – a push in a new direction to make a change. I wasn't living my best life and I didn't want to stay on that trail. I struggled with depression and anxiety, many of which were triggered by perfectionism.
By working on thoughts like those listed above and accepting lowering my standards – those that told me that achievement and success are the only way I was worth anything – I gradually learned my old standards to be replaced by this:
Just be happy.
Learning to make this my standard led me to a place where I fine to be average. Eek! I said it. Average.
Today I can honestly say that I am quite happy to be average. I'm doing it well, sure. But it doesn't define my self worth. While it made more room for my failure, it also made room for my success.
The difference is that my self-worth is not tied to whether I am successful or not.
This is how I see it:
I'm really good at some things, but not very good at other things. You're really good at some things. And you're not very good at other things either. The good and the not-good are all average.
Ultimately, we are all just average people. We are all the same. We are people trying to live the best possible life. We are more similar than we are different.
Don't you think that we would feel a little happier if we all gave up our pursuit of perfection or better than anyone else? Don't you feel like we're all a little more connected?
If you are struggling with perfectionism, I invite you to look at the list of limiting beliefs above and see what resonates for you. What evidence can you find that can disprove these limiting beliefs? What would you like to believe instead? Try these new beliefs and build them with new evidence to support them.
And work along the way to accept that you are enough, even if you are average.
About Kortney Rivard
Kortney Rivard is a Certified Life Coach and lives in the Washington, DC area. As a former aerospace engineer who wanted a more fulfilling life, she is committed to helping women who are ready to stop putting their dreams aside to find the courage to pursue their dreams and create a life you want to wake up with. Check out her Real, Brave & Unstoppable podcast HERE and learn more about her work on kortneyrivard.com.
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