As a dual certified child life specialist and licensed professional advisor, the most common questions I get from parents and carers are: "What will I say to the children?" and "How am I going to tell the kids?" These questions arise when a new diagnosis, loss of pregnancy or a loved one, traumatic injury, or attempted suicide is made.
Although I work in an environment and with a population where I am willing to help families and parents with such life changing events, many clinicians do not. To help other vendors with similar questions from their customers, I've developed three key tips to help convey difficult messages to young children. In addition to medical events and loss, these tips can be applied to divorce, an upcoming move, local tragedy, and other life-changing events.
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1) Honesty is really the best policy.
Treating children honestly strengthens and maintains their trust. If we don't tell children about an event, we run the risk that they will hear false information from someone else or learn about it in an uncontrolled manner. This can include an overheard call, a read text message, or an encounter with a neighbor, friend, or relative. As advisors, we can empower our clients by explaining to them that, as trusted adults, they have the ability to control the transmission of this information to their children and create an environment in which they can talk about the event.
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When children are forced to make their own conclusions about what is happening, their ideas can produce something far worse than reality. The caregiver should follow the child's example by assessing what they already know before providing or correcting the information. It is important for parents / caregivers to use simple, clear and honest language with their children and to understand that this may need to be repeated over and over.
Avoid euphemisms. While terms like "cancer," "dying," and "divorce" may seem harsh or scary to children, these terms are less likely to be misunderstood later. Adults can always clarify terms along the way, but it is recommended that you start with the correct words. For example: “To die means that he won't come home. his body is no longer working "and" divorce means we could no longer get along. We decided to live in different houses, but we both love you very much. "
Find a suitable setting. Encourage the adult to find a private, quiet, and comfortable environment, preferably outside the child's safest place (which for most children is the bedroom). Look at the living room or the dining table. Practice by giving a warning shot. For example, "I have something sad or difficult to say." Help the parent / carer to think about the best time to talk. Who should be there
After all, it is okay for adults not to know what to say or how to answer their child's questions. You can say, "I don't have all the answers, but as soon as I do, I'll tell you." This builds trust and is still honest. Help the child at least know what will happen next and what to expect. After the discussion, give the child or teen time to adjust. Practice acknowledging “I know you weren't expecting this,” and practice giving empathy and reassurance that you (the adult) will be there when the child or adolescent has more questions, concerns, or feelings Has. Young children may need time to play, while older children may prefer to be with their peers. Both answers are developmentally appropriate.
2) When in doubt, keep things normal.
Children benefit from structure and clear expectations. However, it can be very difficult for kids to keep the routine going when disruptions arise. If so, encourage your adult clients to prepare their children for expected changes. For example, if the children are able to attend their after-school activities or play dates, but are picked up by a friend or relative instead of their parent, make sure they are told. Similarly, parents / caregivers should make sure their children know who and what to expect if bedtime or early school leavers are different. Children are resilient, but they do best when they are prepared for change.
Help your adult clients think about ways to involve the child. Children can benefit from a role or a purpose. For example, they might be responsible for packing a bag or making a card. Whenever possible, parents / carers should make choices that are offered to help children feel in control and in control at a time when they feel out of control. The child should not be forced to say goodbye to their loved one, but they should be given the opportunity and presented different ways to do so.
Caregivers may think they know what is best for their child and are then surprised by the child's decision. I have worked with children who repeatedly regret not attending their parents' funeral but were denied the opportunity because the surviving parents tried to protect their child. Often parents ask, "What if they [the child] regret their decision?" I assure parents that they can remind their child that they were given a choice and that they made the choice that was best for them at that moment.
3) Expressing feelings is healthy.
If your adult client says, "I have to be strong for them [the children]" or "I can't let them see me cry," ask the parent / carer, "What does it really mean to be strong ? "
Children who grow up in a house where they are protected from feelings can accidentally learn to internalize their feelings. Parents, caregivers, and other adults have the potential to teach children healthy expressions of all emotions – good, bad, and ugly. It is inevitable that children will experience heartache, disappointment, and upset throughout their lives. When faced with these circumstances, it is imperative that you learn to identify your feelings and express them safely and effectively. Being strong can mean responding appropriately to situations.
Help your adult customers identify their own feelings. Have them practice statements like "I feel", "I'm sad because your grandpa is in the hospital" or "I'm worried about everyone's safety". Then encourage them to follow these statements with plans that can be shared with their children, such as: B. "But I will do everything I can to help you feel safe and cared for during this difficult time." This encourages children to be safe and effective in expressing their own feelings, and to be comfortable when they have questions about them know it's okay to talk about the situation. In addition, the practice gives the adult client the opportunity to process their own thoughts and feelings about the event before standing in front of their child.
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These three tips can be applied and modified to children of all ages who are faced with almost any difficult event. I have used these principles to guide parents and caregivers on how to explain recent events, including the pandemic and social unrest, to their children.
Developmental reactions to difficult circumstances vary according to age. Infants may experience increased crying, clinging, or fussing. Toddlers and preschoolers can regress or show fear of separation. School-age children may exhibit irritability, confusion, and distractibility. Young people can show anger, take on new roles and express criticism. However, when parents and caregivers provide honest information, set clear expectations, and encourage healthy discussion, children and adolescents are more likely to experience positive adjustment both in and out of the situation.
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Kelsey Mora is a dual certified child life specialist and licensed professional counselor who works in both a hospital and private practice in the Chicagoland area. She specializes in helping children and adolescents cope with disease and grief related challenges and has been specially trained to coach caregivers in language and techniques to use in parenting their child due to illness, family transitions and traumatic Can apply loss. Contact them at [email protected] or through their website at diseasenavigation.com.
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