"If you bring peace to your past, you can advance into your future." ~ Unknown
I am amazed how much things that happen in our childhood can have on our adult life. I've learned the hard way to live my life with a deep wound in my heart.
My father was a very strict man with a temper when I was little, starting when I was about seven years old.
He felt that all of my efforts were not enough. If I got an 8 on a math exam, he would say, "Why an 8 and not a 10?" and then punish me. It was a time when some parents thought that hitting their children was a way of "getting them into position" and teaching them a lesson. However, all of this taught me that I was a disappointment.
His favorite phrase was "You will never be better than me".
As I got older, his temper cooled down a bit, but one thing did not change: his painful remarks. “At your age I was already married, had a house, a car, two daughters and a piece of land… what did YOU achieve? See? You will never surpass me "
It was his way of "inspiring" me to make my life better, but it had the opposite effect on me. It was slowly killing my self-esteem.
When my father died I was seven again, Cerise. At the funeral I asked him: “Dad, did I finally make you proud? Have i made my life good? "
This was the trigger that made me rethink what I was doing with my life. I had to pause for a moment to look at the past. This can be very difficult, but sometimes we have to face these painful events to understand the nature of our bad decisions and behaviors.
It helped me to realize that I was subconsciously looking for my father's approval from the boys I had a date with. And you know what? It got me nothing but disappointment and heartache because I was looking for something they couldn't give me.
Inside, I was still the little girl who was looking for her father's love.
When you are a child you are considered a victim, but when you are an adult it is your duty to heal from what has been done to you. You just can't go through life feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about the hand that was given to you. This will only keep you trapped in a sad, joyless life and put your relationships at risk.
In my case, I had to give this little girl the love she needed to stop feeling lonely and making the same mistakes.
The only permit I needed was my own! Realizing this, I began to learn to love myself regardless of my accomplishments, and I also developed compassion for my father because I realized that he was raised just as he raised me.
He probably also felt that he had to be the best at everything he did to win his parents' approval. And maybe he thought that if I weren't the best at everything I did, I would never be appreciated or loved by anyone else.
Once I understood that, I was able to forgive him, break the cycle, and finally let him go.
So what makes us slaves to anger, resentment and abandonment? I think that's how we keep telling the story in our heads and we can transform that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that we sweep things under the rug and pretend nothing has happened. We cannot change the past, and we certainly cannot ignore it, but we can change the way we retell the story to ourselves, and this can be a step towards inner healing.
I decided to give the difficult parts of my childhood experience a different meaning. I've edited the way I'm telling the story, and that's what it sounds like now:
“My father was a strict man because he wanted me to be successful in life. He taught me to do my best in every assignment assigned to me; He didn't make it easier for me because he wanted me to have a strong character and find a solution in every situation. Dad constantly challenged me because he wanted me to reach my full potential so that I could face life and its difficulties.
I am sure that when my father left this world he did so in peace, knowing that he was leaving behind a strong and courageous daughter. "
This is now the story of my childhood and guess what? I think I like this version better! It has helped me close the wound that I had in my heart. My childhood left a scar, but it doesn't hurt anymore.
My present to you today is: Close your eyes and imagine a pencil. Do you know why a pencil has an eraser? To remove the things we don't like, give us the freedom to rewrite them into something we're more comfortable with.
You cannot change the facts of your past, but you can change how you interpret them. So rewrite as much as you need.
Your wounds will hurt a lot less as you broaden your perspective, try to understand the people you hurt and change the meaning of what you went through.
About Cerise Knight
Cerise Knight is an avid writer and cat lover. She uses her own experiences behind her articles to inspire other people to heal their wounds, practice forgiveness, and live happier lives.
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