"The song is over, but the melody remains." ~ Irving Berlin
I never did a grandparent's funeral when I was a little kid, and to be honest, I was secretly glad I didn't. I was too young to understand what death felt like, and I don't think I had the strength to do it. When I heard of her death, I told myself stories that they had been on extended vacation and were having a lot of fun, so we couldn't see them.
This story has preoccupied me all the years, and it has brought me further. But deep down I knew that I had an intense fear of death and that I couldn't stare into her face.
But recently I had to deal with it when I went to a funeral for a colleague who was like a mentor to me. His sudden and premature death was like a punch in the stomach.
After his funeral, we were locked up and it felt like the whole world had gone into mourning. It felt like his death was bringing life to a standstill. That is the impression D had on me. My head went into shock and I couldn't quite tell what had just happened and why.
You see, DM was a magnanimous personality. He was full of life, compassionate, caring, planned, organized, and all sixty.
He was beaming in good health until he suddenly suffered a stroke on a fateful day in September. But he fought like a tiger and was soon on the mend. I imagined he would be back to work shortly, at least on some level. The stroke also surprised him because he was quite health conscious and very conscious of his eating habits, etc.
I always thought I'd see DM enjoying retired life, playing golf, running charity events, enjoying good karaoke, singing, entertaining and hanging out with the people he loves. For all his fun, I thought that as a wise sage, he would still be part of the business. But my dreams were broken when he suffered a few more complications in January.
I didn't think much about it because I had fought like a tiger before and I was sure it would do it again. But it seemed that fate had other plans and took him away from us on March 11th.
I couldn't understand exactly how or why this happened. It was death that once again raised its ugly head. This time no story could tell me otherwise. I saw no escape because DM and I had worked together and I would miss his presence at work. No amount of storytelling could stop me from facing the truth. He had died and there was nothing I could do about it. I had to face this truth.
I couldn't bear the thought of being back in the office. The idea repelled me. I wasn't sure I could handle it. But I had to because we were going into lockdown, and I had to pack up to work from home. Every time I went to the office, I felt his presence there. My stomach would turn.
I found it difficult to cope with his death. How would I get over it?
I met DM at a time in my life when I was feeling the worst. My husband was abroad at the time and my children were small.
I remember the interview. It was a mortgage management job and I was overqualified for it. But the working hours and the flexibility that the position offered suited my grand scheme. And the fact that it was a mortgage has drawn my attention to the job for many years. During the interview, something told me it was going to be the best decision of my life.
We worked together for two years, and during that time I realized that we were similar in many ways. DM was calm, private, friendly, and concerned. Probably because our birthdays were only a day apart, we understood each other without speaking.
A year later when he and my husband decided to work together, I was pretty happy because DM was not only trustworthy, but also a veteran in his field, honest and reputable.
When he died, I mourned in silence. I kept listening to Maroon 5's "Memories" song, and something about the lyrics gave the impression that the singer wrote the song for him.
As I was drawn back into worldly life, I found that there were two things that I couldn't come to terms with when D died.
The first was that for me DM represents values such as honesty, courage, resilience, hard work, kindness and compassion. I have always thought that these values are timeless, immortal and invincible. But with DM's death, I felt that those values were cremated with him. I mourned these values because I love them very much too.
The second reason I grieved was because I felt like life wasn't going to allow him to sit back and have fun, not care about the world and spend time doing things do that he loved.
But as I thought about it and thought more about what it meant, I realized that he passed these values on to me in many ways as a legacy so that I can use them in my life.
I realized that his death also taught me not to wait for retirement or the future in order to live my life with the things I love and want to do. Life is far too precarious, short and precious for that. We will never know when our time will come, so we must use our time on earth well to do the things we love.
With that it became clear to me that the person we love or respect never leaves us. They always stay with us in spirit, through memories, in the legacies, lessons and values they leave behind, just like DM did for me.
What legacy has your loved one left for you? You must have actually left something behind. They are leaving so that you can continue the excellent work they started. It takes time, patience, and courage to see this, and it can be difficult when you are deeply entangled in grief. Feel everything you have to feel first and then ask yourself:
What was important to you? What values did you uphold? What did you admire about your life and how can you embody it in your own life? What can you learn from their choices – those who made them and those who didn't?
Jamie Anderson wrote that grief is only love with nowhere. When you're ready, put all of that love into appreciation for the message they want to leave.
When I think about what my grandparents would have wanted to leave me, I realize that it should be my best possible life. I am ready to carry your torch ahead! What about you?
About Lana Goes
Lana likes to inspire people to live on their terms by conquering fear, doing the things they love and becoming the highest version of themselves. She is the founder of The Return of the Lion King, where she tries hard to make people believe in themselves. In addition to blogging, she is a mother, finance professional and book lover. To learn more about Lana, you can visit her at thereturnofthelionqueen.com and on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest.
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