"Sometimes the only degree you need is an understanding that you deserve better." ~ Trent Shelton
I will never forget the day we met.
It was a classic day in San Francisco. The sky was a perfect azure. The sun sparkled brightly.
I ventured from my apartment in Haight to Duboce Park to enjoy Saturday. Dogs chased balls in the dog park. Friends gathered on the little hill. They giggled, listened to music, and had picnics. Kites flew high in the wind. Adults threw frisbees in their t-shirts and bare feet.
And I was sitting in my scarf, autumn jacket with zipper, warm woolen socks and knitted sweater.
It was summer in San Francisco. I had recently moved into town from the east coast in late May in steamy eighty degrees, and now, in July, I was sitting on a hill shivering. The famous proverb fit perfectly: "The coldest winter I have ever spent was the summer I spent in San Francisco."
I decided to venture into a nearby café, a French café called Café du Soleil (The Café of the Sun), and warm up with a hot drink. I loved their outdoor seating.
When I arrived the café was full. Every seat on the terrace and the whole place was taken except for an empty stool at the bar next to a tall, handsome man.
I sat down next to him with my hot chocolate and commented how crowded the café was. He smiled and agreed, no longer interested in his salad or his glass of white wine. Instead, he was interested in me. His eyes sparkled.
Fireworks!
He was an artist, a photographer. He was creative like me. He recently bought his first house in Oakland, which had a lovely garden and was close to work in a good Japanese restaurant. Our conversation went smoothly, but from the moment I met him, I noticed a dark cloud over his head.
"Are you married?" I asked.
He moved his left fingers to reveal an empty hand.
"No. No ring, ”he said.
"Children?" I asked.
"No," he said, "but I want some."
Our eyes are closed. He sighed.
"But … I'll never have children," he said.
I pressed my lips.
"Oh, I think you will have children one day," I said in a lulling voice and looked sweetly into his eyes.
He melted. He really saw me. His eyes were full of adoration, love, and awe.
We immediately started dating. It was fun and easy. He visited me in Berkeley and I visited him in Oakland (in Fruitvale, where he lived) which was warmer and sunnier. He cooked meals for me at home with fresh fish and vegetables from his garden.
Hummingbirds danced in the air when we were together. We went to a romantic date, danced and he introduced me to the important people in his life: his best friend and his boss.
The more time we spent together, the sunnier and brighter it got, the happier we were both.
He later admitted that he actually made most of his money selling drugs and then becoming a bartender, and that photography was just a hobby, not a profession. He also confessed that he was addicted to alcohol and drugs. This was the reason his previous relationship ended even though they were both in love.
I sobered up before moving to California. I overlooked the red flags because of our remarkable chemistry. Since I wasn't drinking, he only drank a glass of wine with me at dinner and didn't seem to want another. Because I didn't do drugs, he never did drugs around me and he never talked about missing her.
Everything went perfectly, I thought. We never fought. Then Malik took his annual vacation to an event called Burning Man in Nevada while I was in San Francisco looking for a new apartment. Burning Man was very popular with the San Francisco locals and I was intrigued, but my sublet had expired and I needed to find a new place quickly.
Burning Man has been described as "the biggest party in the world" or as "the only place where you can really be without judgment". Here people could party day and night, dress in outrageous costumes, see fantastic art and performances and be completely uninhibited.
When Malik returned from Burning Man, the storm cloud gathered over his head and overshadowed him. He was nervous and paranoid. In fact, I didn't recognize him. he became distorted and ugly. His eyes were glassy and darted back and forth like Gollum in the hobbit. He bent down and kept tapping with his fingers.
"Everything was going too fast," it burst out. "I told you I don't want to fall. I just wanted to have fun. I didn't want to fall. I can't keep a relationship longer than two years. You want more than that. You should have kids. You're getting older. You would be a great mother. You must have kids while you still can. You deserve it. You are beautiful. There are a lot of handsome men in San Francisco. Why would you choose me? Choose one of them! "
"Malik … we're having fun. I won't let you down Let's slide. Why are you talking about marriage and children? "
“You want more. I know it. I see it. "
"We never talked about the future."
"It won't work. It's over."
“Why are you breaking up with me? That makes no sense. Things were good before you left. We never fought. You were only gone a week. You mentioned that you were having fun with a girl. Did you meet someone else "
His jaw hung open; His eyes wandered and he took a big melodramatic step back and gasped for air. He was shocked by my directness and accusation. Or maybe he was stunned by my keen intuition.
Sure enough, during Magic Week he met a beautiful redhead from Arizona, a single mother who was interested in doing drugs with him in the desert to escape her demons.
They had so much fun together, isolated in a fictional city, and laughed in the seductress of the stifling heat. They experimented with Molly on the floor of his tent and "died" together. Like Romeo and Juliet.
I was devastated. Malik wasn't who I thought he was anymore. I had imagined a life together. I had imagined traveling around the world together.
He told me he no longer wanted me to text him and I didn't. But the pain burned inside me. and I held on to the hope that he would see his mistakes and come back to me. How would he maintain a long-distance relationship with someone he'd been doing drugs with in the desert for a week? It didn't make sense. But that's how much he valued drugs over me.
I never felt closed. I never felt like I could express all of my feelings. I wondered if I had been more vulnerable with him, if he knew how much I cared, if he would have thought about it and come back to me. He never came back. He never texted. It took me a long time to let him go. He was a great love for me.
If I look back today (years later), I have learned:
1. Trust a soulmate connection.
I felt it deep in my heart. I met a soul mate. There was no denying it. Although it didn't work out, he opened my heart to love.
2. See the red flags.
I didn't understand then, but now I know that you cannot help anyone get over drug addiction. You have to want it for yourself.
3. Don't hold on to love.
Don't cling to a relationship or cling to it when it's over for it to come back. This was a hard lesson for me because when I love, I love hard.
I learned that when you love someone and they can't commit, don't hold on. If you love someone and they don't want to be in a relationship with you, don't think that in time they will come to their senses and see how great you have been, regret it and come back apologetically. Sometimes people move on quickly. Release them. Holding on only hurts. Treat yourself to some rest too.
4. Value honesty.
A relationship without honesty is not a deep relationship. You shouldn't have to pull it out of someone that they're dating someone else or that they're a drug addict.
5. Be with someone who shares the same vision of the future.
If you don't have the same vision of the future, it won't work. It shouldn't be assumed that you know their desires or that you have the same vision. It must be communicated.
Meeting Malik opened my heart. Although our time together was short, it changed me forever. After overcoming the grief of losing a soulmate, it taught me not to settle down, that I deserve better, and trust that next time I will experience an even greater love.
About Khristee Rich
Khristee Rich is a healer and spiritual teacher who helps empathetic women and creatives feel happy and prioritizes their dreams, talents and wellbeing to make them exceptional Life. With her unique blend of Reiki and shamanism and her skills as clairvoyant, clairvoyant, medium and empath, she inspires and enables women to heal, dream big and shine. Visit thedancingcurtain.com/blog/ and request your free gift here.
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